I lived with the notion that I was supposed to somehow get everything perfect right out of the gate, like somehow I should have seen it all coming. I felt there had been a green light to say yes to moving forward with dating the guy - and then a red light came. In the aftermath, I would often ask God in my prayers, "Did I not hear you right? Did I not discern well? Did I miss a step somewhere? Because if that had been the right thing, wouldn't we have stayed together, wouldn't it have all worked out?"
And I would always pray, echoing the words of Moses from Exodus 33:15-16, "If your Presence does not go with us, do not send us up from here. How will anyone know that you are pleased with me and with your people unless you go with us? What else will distinguish me and your people from all the other people on the face of the earth?” Unless God's presence was going with me, I didn't want to go. I didn't want anything to do with dating this guy if I wasn't sure that God's hand was upon it, his presence going with me. How else would anyone know that I was set apart if God's presence didn't go with me?
Those same questions came back again more recently after I dated a guy from church. I felt confident about the decision to move forward with dating, to give the relationship a chance, to grant it the margin necessary for it to breath and grow. I discerned green lights again, praying those verses out of Exodus 33 yet again. And within weeks a red light came, a bold unmistakable red light. "God, did I not hear you right? Did I not discern well? Did I miss a step somewhere? Should we have never dated to begin with? Was this a sign that your presence wasn't with me?" The same questions all over again, that same regret and second-guessing lingering in the shadows of my mind.
I kept running into dead ends, wondering all along if I had taken turns I should never have taken.
And then it hit me, like a bolt from the blue. By the grace of God, it finally hit me:
Dead ends are not proof of God's absence.
Exhibit A:
The Israelites and the Red Sea.
The Israelites were the very chosen people of God. Of all the people that should have gotten it right, it should have been them. God commanded Moses, the chosen leader of God's chosen people, to lead the people out of Egypt and head for the promised land.
Where do they wind up on the way?
At a dead end, running smack dab into a wall of water with no way forward and a pursuing army behind them.
As Pharaoh approached, the Israelites looked up, and there were the Egyptians, marching after them. They were terrified and cried out to the Lord. They said to Moses, 'Was it because there were no graves in Egypt that you brought us to the desert to die? What have you done to us by bringing us out of Egypt? Didn’t we say to you in Egypt, ‘Leave us alone; let us serve the Egyptians’? It would have been better for us to serve the Egyptians than to die in the desert!'
Their questions were my questions. God, why? Why did you lead me up into this relationship only for it to end in heartbreak on one side or the other? Wouldn't it have been better if we had just never walked down this road to begin with? Wouldn't it have been better if we had just been kept ignorant?
We are a people haunted by dead ends, wondering why we ever got our hopes up to begin with, wondering why green lights turn red.
But you know what was still with the Israelites at that dead end, facing that wall of water and a pursuing army?
God's presence.
He was the cloud by day and the pillar of fire by night.
Then the angel of God, who had been traveling in front of Israel’s army, withdrew and went behind them. The pillar of cloud also moved from in front and stood behind them, coming between the armies of Egypt and Israel. Throughout the night the cloud brought darkness to the one side and light to the other side; so neither went near the other all night long. Then Moses stretched out his hand over the sea, and all that night the Lord drove the sea back with a strong east wind and turned it into dry land. The waters were divided, and the Israelites went through the sea on dry ground, with a wall of water on their right and on their left.
The dead end was not proof of God's absence or that the people had erred.
They were right where they were supposed to be.
When this revelation hit me, it was like scales falling from my eyes. I suddenly saw my past with a whole new level clarity - and whole new level of grace and freedom. Maybe all of those seemingly 'failed' relationships weren't dead ends after all. Maybe they were God's gracious reminders to this striving perfectionist that his sovereignty far exceeded my inadequacies, insecurities, and doubts. Those relationships had purpose and reason, teaching me not only about myself, but God himself. Maybe the dead ends weren't dead ends after all.
Now, are there times when we have genuinely erred and have walked down a path we shouldn't have? Yes. We're human, we're sinful, and we regularly do dumb and foolish things. There's a reason we are compared to sheep in the Bible. Sheep are not the sharpest tools in the barnyard shed. Like sheep, we do stupid things, and yes, sometimes we do dismiss God's voice and the promptings of the Holy Spirit and choose to go our own way. In those instances, we need to confess, repent, and take good notes on how to not walk that road again.
But if our hearts are set on God and his will and his ways, if we are earnestly seeking his face, desiring what he desires, then we have to trust by faith that he will make known to us the path of life (Psalm 16:11). This is why discernment is so essential, to distinguish between those moments when the dead end is because of our own sinfulness and when the dead end is the ordained hand of God. "Since we live by the Spirit, let us keep in step with the Spirit" (Galatians 5:25). It is this keeping in step with the Spirit that will guide our paths, even when those paths lead to seemingly dead ends.
So, for those of you who are second-guessing, wondering if the dead end you're standing at is because you missed a step somewhere -
Dead ends are not proof of God's absence.
He's present.
He's the cloud by day and the pillar of fire by night.
Besides, your dead end may not be a dead end after all.
Maybe God is just waiting for the right time to part the waters.
1 comment:
The day 22 post reminded me of something that applies to this post.
I just finished reading the story of Joseph again this month & what struck me this time was the 2 year wait between when cup bearer was restored to his position and when he remembered to tell Pharaoh about Joseph.
When the cup bearer forgot Joseph, it felt like a "Dead end" for Joseph. But as you said, it could be God was waiting for the right time to part the waters. Perhaps God was growing Joseph in other ways during this time, because there is no mistaking God's perfect timing for the cup bearer to remember Joseph when Pharaoh had the dreams about the years of plenty & severe famine.
That was the perfect time to remember Joseph - but interestingly it was not what Joseph requested the cup bearer to tell Pharaoh about (I was forcibly taken from my home, I've done nothing to deserve to be in prison). Instead what the cup bearer told Pharaoh about was simply Joseph interpreting dreams, which was exactly what Pharaoh was looking for at that moment. Not only did it get Joseph out of prison but he was made 2nd in command of all of Egypt.
Eucatastrophe after a "dead end".
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