But Even If

Sometimes your brain gets the best of you when you get sick.  And thanks to Google, we now have at our fingertips the ability to self-diagnose all sorts of crazy things and work ourselves into a frenzy when we so much as sneeze sideways.  Everything on the internet, after all, is the gospel truth.  There is no arguing with webMD and the random website written by Joe Schmoe that says apple cider vinegar is the answer to everything.

Out of that fact and in light of my recent back pain (currently pain free and have been for a couple of weeks!), I've had a lot of irrational thoughts here lately.  We'll chalk it up partly to pain and partly to being female.  I'm pretty sure I've planned my funeral at least ten times over and envisioned all sorts of farewell conversations with my family and friends.  I have plotted out the perfect conversation I would have with my boss about my imminent death and what would need to be handled for the projects I oversee.  I made a mental list of what my will would say and who would get all my books.  I even commissioned a friend to see to it that if I should die suddenly due to this tumor that was surely causing my back pain, she is responsible for burning all of my journals.  I told her where the key is to my safe, which is where all my journals are stored.  (Some people keep money and jewels in a safe.  I keep my life story not only in a fireproof, but waterproof safe.) Over the last two months, I think I have diagnosed myself with about three different types of cancer, along with adrenal fatigue, a possible life-threatening tumor and rabies for good measure.

(When my pony was sick, I never ran any tests to officially confirm that she had EPM, which meant we had never officially ruled out anything else either, including rabies.  Thus, there was about a 24-hour time period when I was waiting for the state agricultural diagnostic lab to give me the rabies test results.  If she had been positive for rabies, I would have been exposed to it and that would have had serious health implications, truly.  I can assure you I was reading into every single move I made, thinking, "Surely this is the onset of rabies!")

I really need to get a grip some days.

But out of all those completely irrational thoughts, a few rational ones did manage to rise to the surface.  The kind that bring reality front and center and leave with you maybe more questions than answers.

I began working through the hypotheticals -

Let's suppose I do have cancer or some sort of a tumor.  (And I in no way want to make light of anyone who has had to go through that diagnosis.  My back pain is nothing compared to that, I am well aware of that fact.  I am merely poking fun at my own insanity here.)

Or for laughs, let's suppose I do have rabies.

Okay.

So what?

Am I going to turn my back on God?  Am I going to say to God, "You know what? You lied.  You didn't keep me safe.  How dare you not give me a life of bliss, one free from hardship."

Nope.

Am I going to throw in the towel and say, "I'm out.  This got too hard"?

Nope.

Am I going to curse God for allowing bad things to happen to me, like Job's wife suggested? (See Job 2.)        

Nope.

So what then?  So what if all of those things happen?

I think of the three men from the story in Daniel 3, who stood before a king, openly defying him, knowing they would be thrown in a fiery furnace as a result of their disobedience.  The king had made a decree that all people had to bow down to the image of gold he had created.  These three men - Shadrach, Meschach and Abednego - refused.  The king summoned them, blasting them for not bowing down to the image as he had commanded.  Their response?

“King Nebuchadnezzar, we do not need to defend ourselves before you in this matter.  If we are thrown into the blazing furnace, the God we serve is able to deliver us from it, and he will deliver us from Your Majesty’s hand. But even if he does not, we want you to know, Your Majesty, that we will not serve your gods or worship the image of gold you have set up.”

But even if he does not.  

Man, those words are hard.  

But even if.  

But even if God chooses not to save us from the fire, we will still worship him.  

Are we really willing to say that, to echo the words of Shadrach, Meschach and Abednego?  Are we truly willing to say, but even if he doesn't save me from whatever fire I am going through, I will still choose to worship him?  Will I voice my choice to bend my knees to him alone?  

Fill in your own.  "But even if he doesn't save me from this trauma."  "But even if he doesn't save my child from this disease."  "But even if he doesn't heal my family's brokenness."  "But even if he doesn't rescue me from this heartache."  "But even if he doesn't pull me out of this pit."  "But even if doesn't keep me from this flame."    

But even if.

I want to be able to say with confidence - but even if you don't, God, I will still worship you.  I will call Satan's bluff and not let this fear rule.  Because I am in.  All my cards are on the table and I have been through too much with You to turn my back now.  I know that you can and are so very able to rescue and save and redeem and restore and protect.  But if for some reason you choose to leave me in the fire -   

I will worship you at the end of it all.  

"Should I ever be abandoned, should I ever be acclaimed, should I ever be surrounded by the fire and the flame, there's a name I will remember, there's a name I will proclaim...  

Let it be, let it be Jesus."