Fears

Whew - what a whirlwind these last few days have been. I always feel a little out of sorts when I'm out of the office for very long. It seems like there is a mountain of e-mails to get through and then that stack of homework I need to get too as well. Hopped on a plane last Friday afternoon to head down to Florida for a weekend of training at Rafiki's Home Offices. What a great weekend. I loved hearing about Rosemary Jensen's, the founder, vision for children and Africa. I loved learning about how God moved in her life in order to help bring about Rafiki. And I loved learning about how I get to be a part of it.

I might have mentioned this before, but so often when I think of Africa, two fears come to mind and they have nothing to do with getting eaten by lions or dying from malaria. It has to do with possibilities and potential. I'm afraid to go to Africa and have it change my life. And I'm afraid all at the same that it won't. There's always lingering thoughts in the back of mind, thoughts of knowing that when God places a calling on your life, you go. I don't know that my life's work will be in Africa, but it could be. And that can be scary. Scary to consider the thought of leaving everything you know, everything that is safe and comfortable. But you know that you also will be miserable if you don't. Rosemary said it one point that while she was afraid of stepping out in faith to pursue what God had given her, she also knew there was no way she could say no to it.

But I also think, too, that sometimes we can go to places like Africa or sometimes our own backyard and when we are confronted with the atrocities of life, we just want to shut down. We want to ignore the depravity of the world we live in because if we do that, then we don't have to be responsible or take action. I just got done reading a book called "How De Body," which is about the civil war in Sierra Leone. Excellent book. A quote stuck with me though from that book when the author said, "What the mind doesn't know, the heart doesn't have to grieve." When we live in our safe little bubbles and don't get out there and experience the world, we keep ourselves ignorant, somehow thinking if I don't see it or witness it, then I don't have to deal with it. I don't want to be like that. I mean, yeah, it's scary to go out on a limb, to put yourself out there and commit your life to something that is bigger than you. But I also know that I can't stand on the sidelines of life either. So what if Africa turns my world upside down. And it may very well not, but if my experience there should, then that's okay. I'll be right where I need to be.


Front gate to the Home Offices


One of the photographs they had hanging in the training center

Disturb us, Lord

A couple of days ago I was asked to give a brief presentation on my plans for Africa at my church's night of missions celebration. There had been quite a few people in the church who had gone on mission trips recently and the church took an evening to celebrate and highlight those. I was asked then to speak on my plans for Africa. I'll admit I felt a little out of place as the trip is still a year away and I honestly felt like I didn't have much to say other than "I want to go." But I got up there and talked a little bit about my dreams for Africa for the last several years and some of the practical steps I'm needing to take to get there. What I was blessed by more than anything though was what someone else said last night. A woman in our church who works in Deaf ministry had recently gone to Honduras to work with New Life Deaf Ministry, an awesome ministry that is working diligently to serve the Lord and the Deaf community in Honduras. She read this poem below and it just struck my heart in such a profound way:

Disturb us, Lord, when we are too well pleased with ourselves, when our dreams have come true because we have dreamed too little, when we arrive safely because we have sailed too close to the shore.

Disturb us, Lord, when with the abundance of things we possess, we have lost our thirst for the waters of life; having fallen in love with life, we have ceased to dream of eternity; and in our efforts to build a new earth, we have allowed our vision of the new heaven to dim.

Disturb us, Lord, to dare more boldly, to venture on wider seas where storms will show your mastery; where losing sight of land, we shall find the stars. We ask you to push back the horizons of our hopes; and to push us into the future in strength, courage, hope, and love.

Yes Lord, let it be so.

Confront us with our complacency and fill us with a Holy Hunger that is insatiable.

Instill within us a Divine Desperation to see Your Kingdom come and to cease from building our own kingdoms.

Pull the rug out from under our frivolous ambitions and give us eyes to see our own true motives and frailties.

Send us into the depths of adversity, if need be, to cause us to stretch our hands toward yours, lest we perish.
We admit and confess to you that we have no way of knowing you, and your ways, without your divine intervention working in us to show us the way. Lead us on Father , lead us on.

Prayer of Sir Frances Drake, circa 1590

The things that struck me the most were the parts I put in bold - because in the midst of my daydreams of Africa, I'm slowly beginning to realize that my plans have been made entirely apart from God. I've been dreaming too little. Africa seems too attainable. It's been on my own strength, my own desires, my selfish wishes that this trip has been coming together. As saddened and ashamed as I might be to admit it, I've left God out of the picture.

At what point did I start to think I could live my life apart from God, or at least apart from the direction of the Holy Spirit? At what point did I say to God that I no longer want to hear his direction spoken over my life? Why am I dreaming too little and staying too close to the shore?

Summer Recap

Okay, finally a recap on the summer. I know, it's taken me awhile. The summer has flown by as usual and I think I still have these fleeting moments of shock when I realize that I've already completed one year of my grad program and have only one year left. I remember thinking a year ago, "Holy cow - two years? That seems like an eternity." And at the time, it really did feel like that. When you think about the fact that I had already spent four years away from my family and my home, another two just felt like such a long time.

Despite the time flying, I have thoroughly enjoyed checking out from the world a little this summer. After not having a TV or getting on Facebook and occasionally leaving my cellphone behind, those things don't hold much appeal anymore. When I sit down and watch TV or get on Facebook, I get this anxious feeling. I'm not quite sure how to explain other than I just feel this need to get it over with as soon as possible. There just isn't much of a "want to" anymore when it comes to those things. I find now that I want to spend my time reading or being creative in some manner. I mean, I breezed my way through nearly 30 books this summer - yes, you read right. Thirty books. And I loved it. I loved coming home in the evenings, grabbing a good book and settling in for the night. My reading selection expanded quite a bit this summer, too, as I deviated from the genres I normally read.

I stumbled across this fabulous book called "The Only Road North" by Erik Mirandette. If you can get your hands on it, do it. I also snagged the book "Shoeless Joe" by Bill Kinsella, which the movie "Field of Dreams" is based upon. Marvelous book. I mean, the movie is good, but there is something all together magical about that book. I also read "The Lost City of Z," which is great book about adventure and exploring - good for the history too. There are just so many amazing books out there. I love finding these little gems of stories and getting so completely lost in them. A friend of mine had this quote on his blog the other day and I think it is so true: "Perhaps there is some secret sort of homing instinct in books that brings them to their perfect readers." It's from the book "Guernsey Literary and Potato Peel Society." I'd like to think that quote is true on some level. Or maybe the homing instinct is in me and it's the book that is perfect.

Other than the ridiculous amounts of reading I did, I also made some more progress on my plans for Africa. One of my best friends and I are flying down to Florida in October to go to Rafiki's headquarters for a weekend of training. I happened to meet up with the couple who is on full-time staff in Zambia that my church supports. Listening to their stories - I nearly wanted to cry my eyes out the entire way through their presentation. Not because it was particularly sad, but because I kept thinking to myself, "How is this possible? How is possible to so completely long for a country I've never been to, a people I've never met, and a continent that I've only known to exist on a map?" A big part of me just wants to get on a plane and go NOW. Next summer just seems so far away, but even as this past year has flown by, I know this coming year will likewise. And between now and then, I'll keep dreaming of Africa and its people.

I have more thoughts on the summer - stay tuned for more....

Sad the stories had to end...

So I just got done reading the Lord of the Rings trilogy and I'm wondering why in the world I didn't read these books sooner. Tolkien is a brilliant writer and gifted storyteller. That's not a news flash or anything, as people have known that for decades, but there is always something greatly satisfying when you find out for yourself why some authors are such geniuses. I think I zoomed through all 1200 pages in about two weeks or so - and considering I've got two jobs and going to classes two nights a week, I think that's decent timing.

As I was reading, I think I was just so utterly captivated by the vast creativity and imagination of Tolkien. His characters are so uniquely defined in the book - but always honest and real. He captures the little idiosyncrasies about each without explicitly saying what the character is about. Tolkien is a show, don't tell kind of author. He crafts the story in such a way that allows the reader to get lost in what is happening, the struggle in good and evil, the importance of relationships, and the ultimate victories to be shared.

I think my favorite character is Sam - both in the movies and I came to love him even more in the books. His fierce loyalty and his ever watchful eye over his "master" were endearing, something that I wish were modeled more often in the lives of real men. He's quite possibly one of the most unselfish characters in literature (not that I've read every book known to mankind to say without a doubt that he is, but I would imagine that he's got to be at the top of the lists of unselfish characters in the history of storytelling). He was always putting the needs of Frodo above his own, always seeing that Frodo was able to eat, rest, and complete the journey set before him. I loved his line at the end (I know it's in the movie and I'm pretty sure it's in the book), "I can't carry the ring for you, but I can carry you!" What a fighter - compassionate and strong, ever focused on what is ultimately at stake.

Aragorn is another character that I love - maybe just because of his portayal of what I think masculinity ought to be on some level. He's a man's man. I think in some ways he reminds me of King David in the Bible - that tender warrior, a man not afraid to fight for his land and people and what he believes in, but also gentle and tender in his dealings with those around him. He leads with the integrity of his heart and isn't afraid to make some unpopular decisions. He's a character that can be easily respected.

And despite my decision not to watch TV and movies for the summer, I did decide to watch the movies after reading the books. The movies are some of my favorite movies ever and I didn't want to wait until August to watch them all. So I dug the TV out of the closet and set up shop. Parts of my DVDs are messed up so I had to skip entire sections of the trilogy, but after I got done watching them all, I think my affection for the story deepened even more. It's just so stinkin' brilliant! And Peter Jackson - what a marvelous job of giving life to a story that was already leaping off the pages. He certainly did the books justice in my opinion.

Day Whatever

From one of my favorite blogs, Stuff Christians Like. This was too funny not to pass along. Hopefully you find it as hilarious as I do.

#550. Surviving church as a single.

Single adults, I have failed you. Although I’ve written a handful of ideas about being single at church, I’ve never really done that topic justice.

So today, I created a list of all the different stereotypes and challenges singles have to navigate when they go to church. From the “get married right this second” friends to the “this guy has a pulse and so do you so maybe that’s enough in common to fall in love” friends, it’s all here.

And I can’t take credit for it. I read your comments about real things that have happened to you at church, got ideas from my single friends, and received a great email from a pastor named Jeff. I took it all and created a point based scorecard.

Ready to play?

The Surviving Church as a Single Scorecard

1. Your church doesn't have a singles ministry. = + 1 point

2. Your church has a singles ministry but it's combined with the college ministry which creates opportunities for conversations like this:Student: "My roommate bought a microwave for our dorm room. I love being a Freshman!"Single: "My 401K is underperforming." = +2 points

3. Your church has a singles ministry but it's a triad that combines college, single adults and divorce recovery. = + 3 points

4. Your church has a singles ministry but it's the dreaded quad, combining college, single adults, divorce recovery and retired widowers that refuse to move to Florida. = +4 points

5. Someone pays you the world's most backhanded compliment, "I just don't understand how someone as great as you isn't married yet." = +1 point

6. Someone told you, “If you stop looking for love you’ll find it.” 2 points for each time you’ve heard that.

7. At church, people give you weird looks if you refuse to sit in the “singles” section of the sanctuary. = +1 point

8. When people introduce you, they say, “This is Matt, my single friend.” = +2 points

9. When people introduce you they feel compelled to list out your accomplishments, “This is
Sally, my single friend who owns her own home, drives a luxury sedan and has a very, very stable job.” = +3 points

10. Your friends that have been married for 15 minutes act like they suddenly don’t remember anything about dating and therefore can't give you any advice. “It’s been so long since I dated, things have changed so much. I’m just out of that whole scene.” + 2 points

11. People are constantly volunteering you for things because, “you’re single, you’ve got so much free time.” = +1 point

12. People at church act a little surprised when they ask you, “How are you doing?” and you respond with, “Things are great right now. I love my life!” = +1 point

13. Married friends try to live vicariously through you, asking questions like, “What did you do this weekend? Road trip? I bet you went on some crazy cool, singles road trip, right?” = +2 points

14. Someone you just met for the first time said a sentence like this to you, “If you want to get married, you need to ______.” = +2 points

15. Whenever married friends call you at noon on a Saturday, they start the conversation by saying, “Did I just wake you up?” = +3 points

16. You assume that if you don’t get engaged by final exams of your senior year in college you'll never get married. = -2 points

17. You’ve secretly always wanted your own cat but are afraid that ownership of a single kitten will become some sort of gateway drug to becoming “the cat lady.” = - 2 points

18. You’ve ever given an impassioned, enraged monologue on the injustice that men who are single get to age gracefully and be considered “bachelors” while women are instantly judged as “crazy cat ladies.” = – 3 points

19. You’ve got a “don’t perpetuate the cat lady stereotype,” monologue locked and loaded at all times and have already stopped reading this post so you can put it in the comments section. = - 5 points

20. Someone has quoted the “it’s not good for man to be alone” Bible verse to you. = +2 points.

21. When friends invite you to their church they start the invite by listing both the quantity and hotness of the singles that go there. = +1 point

22. That friend was named Jon Acuff and he said, “No one in Atlanta should ever involuntarily remain single with so many awesome single people at North Point Community Church.” (I've said this a lot. My bad.) = + 3 points

23. Your married friends tip toe around you during February because they think you're too delicate to handle the completely made up holiday, Valentine’s Day. = +1 point

24. You are too delicate to handle Valentine’s Day and have been known to describe it with a rich tapestry of words no Christian should even know exist, never mind actually say out loud. = + 1 point

25. The person that leads the singles ministry at your church got married in 1964. = +10 points for each decade they’ve been married.

26. Someone told you, "Maybe you need to focus on being more like a Proverbs 31 woman." = 2 points for each time it wasn't sincere encouragement.

27. You didn't know you were supposed to be unhappy as a single adult until you went to church and found the singles ministry to be akin to a support group. = +3 points

28. Upon hearing that you went on a first date with someone, your single friends at church stop inviting you to the single events because "you're in a relationship already." = +2 points

29. Upon hearing that you went on two dates, your married friends at church start telling you, "I'll be praying that this is the one!" = + 3 points

30. Your best friend of 15 years gets married and then suddenly acts like a magical gap has opened up between you and decides that until you get married too you can't be close again because you just don't understand each other anymore. = +3 points

31. To justify giving a four week marriage sermon series to a congregation that is 60% single, the pastor throws out one blanket statement like this at the beginning of the series, "And you single people listen up to this too, this well serve you well when you get married too." = +2 points

32. You set your alarm to "not going to church today" after the first week of the marriage sermon series. = - 2 points

33. The only time your married friends invite you over is when they need a babysitter. = +3 points

34. Someone throws the "Paul was never married" card on you. = +2 points

35. Friends assume that the only qualification that matters to you when it comes to finding a date is that she's available and set you up with people you have nothing in common with. = +2 points

36. You've ever said the rhyme, "I'm a bachelor til’ the rapture." = - 1 point

37. During a prayer at church celebrating wedding anniversaries, the person praying says a
special prayer for all the people that are still single and lonely. (True story) = +1 point

38. You have a friend that feels like creating a dating profile on eHarmony is a sign that you might not be trusting God enough to provide a soul mate. = + 1 point

39. You've developed highly sensitive, "They're about to throw the bouquet" radar and know exactly when to leave a wedding. = +2 points

40. Instead of saying that you're "single" your friends describe you as "Not married yet." = +2 points

How did you score? Did I miss any? Have you experienced some that just weren't on that list?
Singles of the world unite and post your score proudly and when someone tries to stereotype you, tell them Razzle Dazzle, Razzle Dazzle.

Day 32 - The Outside of a Horse

"The outside of a horse is good for the inside of a man." Winston Churchill

I forgot how right it feels to be on the back of a horse. I went trail riding with a friend of mine yesterday for about an hour and a half. My body hates me (it hurts to sit down) but my heart is satisfied.

I can't honestly remember the last time I went horseback riding. I know it's been at least a couple of years. When you've spent over a decade of your life staring at the world between a horse's ears, two years is a long time to be away. I've never regretted my decision to walk away from something that I thought I would pursue as a profession, but that doesn't change the fact that it's still a part of me - and will always be. I think when you ride for as long as I did, it gets in your blood and in your heart. I think there will come a day when I will ride and show again, but for now I'm content to enjoy it from afar and occasionally hop on a horse every now and then.

The outside of a horse is definitely good for the inside of this woman.

Day 12

I am a quote fanatic. I have quotes strewn all over the walls of my apartment and I invariably have them plastered wherever I go, whether my office, my kitchen, and occasionally my car has a quote or two. I subscribe to a couple of e-mails that send me daily quotes and I have a thick binder in my apartment with pages upon pages of quotes I have typed up and saved over the years. I love reading other people's thoughts and perspectives on matters - sometimes what they have to say serves as a reminder and sometimes it serves as an inspiration. And sometimes, the quotes just aptly fit what my own heart had been saying and could never quite form on paper for myself. I have come across two such quotes recently that fall into that last category. They have been expressions of ideas and thoughts I had in my own heart, the kind when read them you think, "Man, that's exactly what I was trying to say. They stole my words!"

The first one is by John Eldredge, and if I remember correctly, it's from his book Wild at Heart. I had written this quote down years ago and had it hung on my dorm wall for quite some time. I had a vague recollection of one of the lines the other day and so I went on a mad search to find it because I couldn't remember exactly who had said it or where I had read it. Then I found it in my treasure trove of quotes and papers. I think it summarizes so clearly what the intent of my heart is behind this summer and my decision to get rid of TV, Facebook, music, etc:

If you saw your life as a great battle and you knew you needed time with God for your very survival, you would do it. Maybe not perfectly - nobody ever does and that's not the point anyway - but you would have a reason to seek Him. We give half-hearted attempts at the spiritual disciplines when the only reason we have is "ought" to. But we'll find a way to make it work when we are convinced we're history if we don't. time with God each day is not about academic study or getting through a certain amount of Scriptures or any of that. It's about connecting with God. We've got to keep the lines of communication open, so use whatever helps. The point is simply to do whatever brings me back to my heart and the heart of God.

Whatever it takes. I love that kind of attitude. Sometimes we've got to do whatever it takes to bring us back to the heart of God, even if we look ridiculous to the world in the process. You do it because you're history if you don't.

The second quote is from this fantastic little book I just got done reading called If You Could See Me Now, by Cecelia Ahern, author of P.S. I Love You. I happened to pick it up on a whim at the local library because they didn't have the book I originally wanted to get by her. I had never read any of her stuff before so I wasn't sure what to expect. Here's the summary:

Living in her own house in a small, posh Irish town, 35-year-old Elizabeth Egan is an uptight interior designer and adoptive mother to her six-year-old nephew, Luke, whose mother, Elizabeth's 23-year-old sister, Saoirse, prefers boozing to parenting. Saoirse's behavior reminds Elizabeth of a painful past—the alcoholic mother who abandoned the family, leaving Elizabeth to care for her baby sister and forgo her own childhood, and the emotionally distant, controlling father still waiting for his wife's return. Unlike the other women in her family, Elizabeth adheres to a fastidiously well-ordered existence—no mess, no complications, no love. But all that changes with the arrival of Ivan, a goofy and spontaneous man intent on infusing much-needed fun and tenderness into Elizabeth's frigid persona. The catch is no one can see this ageless man from the land of "Ekam Eveileb" save Elizabeth and her nephew. Through Ivan, Elizabeth becomes the woman she's always been too afraid to be. He helps her reclaim the childhood she never had and, most importantly, to forgive those who have let her down.

It's a wonderfully whimsical story and I'm so glad I picked it up. It took me awhile at first to get into it because I couldn't really see where the story was headed and I had a hard time buying into it, but then it finally reached a point where I could relate on some level and then I was hooked. Part of the story follows Elizabeth as she struggles with who she is and who she is when she's with Ivan. I think I was probably in tears by the time I finally got to the quote that just spoke volumes to my heart:

When you drop a glass or a plate to the ground it makes a loud crashing sound. When a window shatters, a table leg breaks, or a picture falls of the wall, it makes a noise. But as for your heart when that breaks, it's completely silent. You would think as it's so important it would make the loudest noise in the whole world or even have some sort of ceremonious sound like the gong of a cymbal or the ringing of a bell. But it's silent and you almost wish there was a noise to distract you from the pain. If there is a noise, it's internal. It screams and no on can hear it but you. It screams so loudly your ears ring and your head aches. It thrashes around in your chest like a great white...but that's the thing about love; no one is untouchable. It's as wild as that, but when it actually breaks, it's silent, you're just screaming on the inside and no one can hear it. But Elizabeth, she saw the heartbreak in me and I saw it in her - it was time to stop walking with our heads in the clouds and instead, keep our feet on the harder soil of ground level we should always have been rooted to.

There's a small part (and for some, a big part) in each of our hearts that has been broken at one point or another. And it can be one of the most painful things to experience because it's like Ahern wrote - it's silent. And nobody else seems to know it but you. And nobody else seems to understand the pain you're going through. But they really do, we just don't always give people a chance to understand, unfortunately. So we keep walking around with the broken pieces of our heart, holding them close, and wondering if they are ever going to heal again.

But, thankfully, there is a God who is is greater than our hearts, and he knows everything. (1 John 3:20)

Day 9

Whew! What a whirlwind these last few days have been it seems. Students have been packing their bags and moving out, parents have been coming and going, and diplomas have been flying out of the hands of university officials. I stood at the ceremony last night for the Graduate and Adult Studies students and I had this panicked moment where I thought to myself, "Holy schnikes! This is me in a year!" Then at the undergraduate ceremony this morning, I thought to myself, "Holy schnikes! This was me two years ago!" Man, how time flies. I look back and I think about how fast the years of undergrad went and now I stand in the midst of my graduate program thinking how fast this is flying by as well. Always a bittersweet moment.

I wrapped up my application for Africa this week. It's always a scary moment when you read the waiver at the bottom that says you're willing to accept whatever risks associated with this trip, even death. Yikes. Makes you rethink a few things and really makes you consider whether you really want to go through with this or not. But I do. I've wanted to go to Africa for a long time now and the reality is that there will never be a "good time" to go. So often we say "well, someday I'll do this or that" and before you know it, some day has come and gone and you're left wondering what happened. So, no more 'some days' when it comes to me and my thoughts of going to Africa. I sent off the application, now I'll just have to wait and see. It's through the Rafiki Foundation, based in Eustis, Florida. I have some friends that have connections to it and after considering which organization to go with, this seemed like the best choice. They have a focus on serving the needs of people there - and considering there are so many basic needs in Africa not being met, we have to be honest about the fact that the Gospel will never be heard in the lives of people if we can't even meet the simplest needs like clean water and food. It would be a four week trip, possibly longer. My first choice on countries to go to was Kenya, followed by Uganda and Rwanda.

As I've thought about Africa, though, in recent days I was reminded of a quote by Frederick Buechner, who defined vocation as the place where "your deepest gladness meets the world's deepest needs." I can't say that my vocation some day is going to be in Africa or meeting the needs there - I don't know ultimately where I'll end up, as that part of the story is still to be written - but I can't help but think of Africa as a place that has some of the world's deepest needs. But what gladness fills the lives of some of the people there. People, who by American standards, have nothing, but are still laughing in the face of that nothingness. The resiliency of the people there is remarkable. It reminds me of the verses in Proverbs 30:7-8, which says, "Two things I ask of you, O LORD; do not refuse me before I die: Keep falsehood and lies far from me; give me neither poverty nor riches, but give me only my daily bread."

Give me only my daily bread, Lord. This day, Lord, give me only what I need and that is simply more of You.

Time, Please Don't Have Your Way

I am just crying my eyes out over this blog post by Melissa Moore Fitzpatrick (Beth Moore's daughter) and think you all need to read it. Oh, how it makes me long even more so to go to Africa. To see the people and to meet the needs and to be the hands and feet of Jesus to someone I've never met.

Day 5

Things to do when you have no T.V., internet, or music to listen to:

1.) Defrost your freezer so you can pack more pizza and frozen dinners into it
2.) Work on your budget and set aside money as necessary so that you can actually afford to eat when the dining hall is no longer open
3.) Read books like Distracted by Maggie Jackson (ironic, yes, that I'm reading a book about being distracted)
4.) Send notes to friends and family that you haven't talked to in awhile
5.) Dream of a trip to Africa and how many more shots you are going to have to get before you go
6.) Finish at least one USAToday crossword puzzle - a good dictionary is helpful
7.) Stare at the ceiling
8.) Stare out the window
9.) Stare at the floor and realize how bad you need to vacuum it. But wait - that's right - you don't have a vacuum
10.) Fix things in your apartment, like shower doors and kitchen cupboards
11.) Talk to God
12.) Read Oswald Chamber's My Utmost for His Highest
13.) Figure out where the best place is on the lake to put a kayak in the water
14.) Bake cupcakes, but only the funfetti kind
15.) Plot out what recipes you are going to make for the summer
16.) Ponder where you want to be in 5 years
17.) Journal - from the simple details to the deeper thoughts like why I can't understand boys
18.) Eat the cupcakes you just baked
19.) Stare at the paintings on your wall and pick apart all the things you think you should change about them
20.) Talk to God some more

Day 1

Well, yesterday kicked off the first big day of silence. It was a rather interesting sort of day, as there is a new awareness of the affects (effects? I still have never fully grasped the difference) that silence has on me. I came home from work with plans to put the TV away in the closest and basically clean the place up a bit. I was actually feeling rather energized by the whole idea - I think I thrive a great deal on change and always seem to look forward to it.

So, away went the TV into the closest. I had already packed up my all my music and movies and put those in the closet as well. The only music I left out was a few worship and instrumental CDs I had. After all that disappeared I realized how much space I now I had to work with since there was no longer a TV and TV stand taking it up! I rearranged my furniture and flopped down on the couch and realized how much I'm going to love this little adventure. (And then my back started yelling at me and I was reminded that I shouldn't move furniture that often unless I find some kind of sick happiness by being in chronic pain.)

Apart from the basics, there was this rather terrifying moment I had later on that night. As I've mentioned before, this isn't about taking a hiatus from Facebook, music, TV, etc. just for the sake of taking a hiatus. I've realized over the course of the past several months that certain areas of my life had become somewhat of a mess, mainly my personal relationship with the Lord - and that needed to change. So, it's ultimately readjusting my focus, placing it once again on the One person who should always have my attention - Jesus Christ.

Anyway - all that to say, when I sat down on the couch last night with my Bible, I just kept staring at it, but not opening it. I'd run my thumbs over the gilded edges, listening to the soft flicker of the pages, but still not crack wide the spine of the book. Then it dawned on me: I am absolutely terrified of what I will find on its pages. Because deep down, I ultimately know that the words found on the pages of Scripture are all about change. You can't read such a book and not be changed. You can't read the words of God speaking to his people and not be changed. Your heart is eventually going to crack. And then melt. And then be reshaped. And that's what scares me. So while I might be energized by change more often than not, the times when I'm not, I'm paralyzed by it.

But I finally flipped open, not having a clue where to begin. I managed to find my way to the pages of Isaiah, beginning at chapter 1. I read through the first chapter, but went back and stopped at verses 16 and 17. "Wash and make yourselves clean. Take your evil deeds out of my sight! Stop doing wrong, learn to do right!" What struck me most about these verses was the phrase stop doing wrong, learn to do right. You see, there are certain bad habits that we have just got to STOP. Now. No questions asked. Just quit. We can walk away from wrong in a moment. But doing what is right? Ahhhh, there's the hard part - that must be learned. As human beings, we have a penchant for doing what is wrong. We have a sinful nature in us that naturally gravitates toward that which is wrong or immoral. But learning to do what is right implies time and process. Learning to do what is right implies a series of events that eventually bring us to where we need to be. Learning to do what is right implies that wrongs will be made so that we know better what is right. Learning to do what is right doesn't happen over night.

And that's what frustates us. That's what frustrates me. I want to do what is right now. I don't want to have to go through the agony of making mistakes and hurting myself or grieving the heart of God. I want to wave my magic wand and just do whatever it is that I need to do.

But what is right? Well, the overly simplified answer to that is whatever God does is right. Psalm 31:1 says "Save me, for you do what is right." But that's pretty all-encompassing and doesn't really give us tangibles. Tucked away in the pages of the Bible, though, in a book that isn't accessed that often is this gem of a verse in Micah: The LORD God has told us what is right and what he demands: "See that justice is done, let mercy be your first concern, and humbly obey your God." I also love how the Message version words it: But he's already made it plain how to live, what to do, what God is looking for in men and women. It's quite simple: Do what is fair and just to your neighbor, be compassionate and loyal in your love, and don't take yourself too seriously— take God seriously."

That's what doing right is, at least a part of it. We've got set our sights on God if we have any hopes of doing what is right and humbly obeying him.

Summer of Silence

So the countdown begins. I think I should spend a little time clarifying some things about what I'll be up to this summer as I've had a few people ask me about it. There are several key things I want to touch on as to what I'll be doing and why:

1.) If you read the previous posts, you'll read that this summer I'm going to change things up a bit and do something that most people would think is crazy - and maybe unnecessary. But my philosophy is that sometimes in life, you gotta go off the deep end every now and then if you want to see anything change. So, I decided awhile back that I was going to put my TV away, giving my password to Facebook to my friend so she could change, and basically cut a lot of distractions out of my life. Why? Because somewhere along the way I realized that my personal relationship with the Lord has suffered a great deal - he's taken a backseat to the other things that so often vie for my attention. I ultimately decided on the following parameters:
a. No Facebook
b. No T.V.
c. attempt not to have my phone attached to my hip all the time.
d. not listen to music while at work or in the car, but still allowing for worship music and audio sermons

2.) Here's what this summer is NOT about: legalism and a list of do's and don'ts. This isn't about staying away from certain bad things and striving to do certain good things. I really appreciated what my friend, Alex, said to me last night while chatting on the phone. She referenced Romans 12:2, which says, "Do not conform any longer to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God's will is—his good, pleasing and perfect will." You see, this isn't just getting rid of distractions for the sake of getting rid of distractions. It's about putting my focus where it needs to be - and that is on the Lord. So, it's about not conforming - but I'll fail miserably if I miss the second part, which is about being transformed by the renewing of my mind. That's what I want to see change this summer. My mind and my heart need to be renewed. And TV and Facebook and phones and music and all the other noise that we surround ourselves with often stands in the way of that happening.

3.) I have to be careful of my expectations, careful of what I expect God to do this summer. Am I expecting Him to move in specific ways and at specific times or am I holding loosely to whatever He may have for me? Alex brought up another good point - what if this is a summer where God is silent, too? What then will I do? Will I get upset when I don't seem to hear answers from the heavens above or will I get resentful when I don't seem to see him working in my life? No. I've been through too many seasons with God when it seemed he wasn't working at all, when in fact he was doing tremendous works in my life! I just couldn't see that at the time. Beth Moore said once, "Our faith cannot be based on WHAT God does - rather it must be based on WHO He is." We lose sight of so many things when we focus on what God is or is not doing, rather than staying focused on His character, which is unchanging.

4.) Please don't think you can't get in touch with me just because I'm not on Facebook! Call me or e-mail me if you want to chat as I will still have access to those things. Leave comments here as I would love to read people's thoughts on how things progress this summer. You can even tell me I'm crazy if you want!

5.) This summer will definitely be a time to set aside time and pray about several key things, one of which includes plans to go to Africa next summer. Couple other things I'll be focusing on is a possible plan that my sorority big sister asked me about, as well as a possible leadership role I was approached about. They are each things that could play significant roles in my life and proper attention needs to be given to them.

Those are most of the key things I wanted to point out. Like I said, I know some people will think I'm crazy and that's okay - I've done crazier things. I've just learned a thing or two along the way when it comes to your faith and your walk with the Lord - sometimes you've got to be willing to do whatever it takes.

Stuff Christians Like

I thought this was a pretty awesome post and wanted to pass along. It's from http://stuffchristianslike.blogspot.com:

I don't want to brag, but I'm pretty awesome at applying band-aids. And make no mistake, there is an art. Because if you go too quickly and unpeel them the wrong way, they stick to themselves and you end up with a wadded up useless mess instead of the Little Mermaid festooned bandage your daughter so desperately wants to apply to a boo boo that may in fact be 100% fictional.

Half of the injuries I treat at the Acuff house are invisible or simply wounds of sympathy. My oldest daughter will scrape her knee and my 3-year old, realizing the band aid box is open will say, "Yo dad, I'd like to get in on that too. What do you say we put one on, I don't know, my ankle. Yeah, my ankle, let's pretend that's hurt."

But sometimes the cuts are real, like the day my 5-year old got a scrape on her face playing in the front yard. I rushed in the house and returned with a princess bandage. As I bent down to apply it to her forehead, her eyes filled up with tears and she shrunk back from me.

"What's wrong?" I asked.

"I don't want to wear that band-aid." She replied.

"Why? You have a cut, you need a band-aid." I said.

"I'll look silly." She answered.

Other than her sister and her mom, there was no one else in the yard. None of her friends were over, cars were not streaming passed our house and watching us play, the world was pretty empty at that moment. But for the first time I can remember, she felt shame. She had discovered shame. Somewhere, some how, this little 5 year old had learned to be afraid of looking silly. If I was smarter, if I had been better prepared for the transition from little toddler to little girl, I might have asked her this:

"Who told you that you were silly?"

I didn't though. That question didn't bloom in my head until much later and I didn't understand it until I saw God ask a similar question in Genesis 3:11. To me, this is one of the saddest and most profoundly beautiful verses in the entire Bible. Adam and Eve have fallen. The apple is a core. The snake has spoken. The dream appears crushed. As they hide from God under clothes they've hastily sewn together, He appears and asks them a simple question:

"Who told you that you were naked?"

There is hurt in God's voice as He asks this question, but there is also a deep sadness, the sense of a father holding a daughter that has for the first time ever, wrapped herself in shame.

Who told you that you were not enough?

Who told you that I didn't love you?

Who told you that there was something outside of me you needed?

Who told you that you were ugly?

Who told you that your dream was foolish?

Who told you that you would never have a child?

Who told you that you would never be a father?

Who told you that you weren't a good mother?

Who told you that without a job you aren't worth anything?

Who told you that you'll never know love again?

Who told you that this was all there is?

Who told you that you were naked?

I don't know when you discovered shame. I don’t know when you discovered that there were people that might think you are silly or dumb or not a good writer or a husband or a friend. I don't know what lies you've been told by other people or maybe even by yourself.
But in response to what you are hearing from everyone else, God is still asking the question,

"Who told you that you were naked?"

And He's still asking us that question because we are not.

In Christ we are not worthless.

In Christ we are not hopeless.

In Christ we are not dumb or ugly or forgotten.

In Christ we are not naked.

Isaiah 61:10 it says:For he has clothed me with garments of salvation and arrayed me in a robe
of righteousness.

The world may try to tell you a thousand different things today. You might close this post and hear a million declarations of what you are or who you'll always be, but know this.

As unbelievable as it sounds and as much as I never expected to type this sentence on this blog:

You are not naked.

Holding on to the End of the Rope

Ahhh. What a mess we find ourselves in sometimes as followers of Christ. Some days I wake up and I think, "I want whatever it is you want for me, Lord," but then other days I think, "Following God is just too hard and I'm tired of trying to make it all work." I've been back in Ohio for the weekend for a few days to see my family and to catch up with friends, and I always make a point to head to Lifepoint, the church I attended while I was still living here. That church has been such a blessing in my life and I greatly appreciate the pastor's teaching.

This morning he happened to be talking about the triumphal entry of Jesus into Jerusalem and then the subsequent instance in which Jesus overturns the tables in the temple. Pastor Brad made a point to ask whether we fit Jesus into our lives or whether we fit our lives into Jesus. I think the point that struck me the most was when he asked, "Have we reached a point where we say enough, You can go no further?" Meaning, have we reached a point in our spiritual lives where we have just enough of Jesus to get the benefits of him, but still not have it cost us much or have us make much of a sacrifice for him? I think the answer to that question for me is "yes." I think I told God awhile ago "enough already." And I hate that that is my response, especially knowing the history that I have with God. We have walked down some very dark roads together and climbed some pretty high mountains - and despite whatever pain or sadness or joy may have come along with those seasons, I always came out on the other side of them more and more like Him. So why is it now that I'm so leary of that? Why is it now that I'm terrified to ask God any kind of question for fear of what his answer will be? Why me - the girl who was so sure and so confident of her God and his plans for her? And now - I feel as though I'm a fraud in terms of my faith, wondering where it is that I took a wrong step.

But still managing somehow to hang on to the end of that rope. I will say that much - after walking through so many seasons, tenacity is one thing I learned along the way, to always hold on, even when you don't feel like it. Because God is always worth hanging on to, even when my emotions or thoughts may say otherwise. Even when I feel apathetic or indifferent toward my faith, I know deep down that God will always be a God worth following. I don't want to keep saying to God, "Enough - I can't take it anymore." I don't want to live like that, living as though I'm living on the outer fringes of my faith. I've tasted and I've seen and I know there is more and I know there is better for me.

And so for now, I keep pressing on, even when I may not understand. Even when I'm just like what Paul says in Romans 7:

15I do not understand what I do. For what I want to do I do not do, but what I hate I do.

16And if I do what I do not want to do, I agree that the law is good.

17As it is, it is no longer I myself who do it, but it is sin living in me.

18I know that nothing good lives in me, that is, in my sinful nature. For I have the desire to do what is good, but I cannot carry it out.

19For what I do is not the good I want to do; no, the evil I do not want to do—this I keep on doing.

20Now if I do what I do not want to do, it is no longer I who do it, but it is sin living in me that does it.
21So I find this law at work: When I want to do good, evil is right there with me.

22For in my inner being I delight in God's law;

23but I see another law at work in the members of my body, waging war against the law of my mind and making me a prisoner of the law of sin at work within my members.

24What a wretched man I am! Who will rescue me from this body of death?

25Thanks be to God—through Jesus Christ our Lord!

Avoiding God

It dawned on me yesterday as I was cleaning my apartment that I've been avoiding God for quite some time. And by "quite some time," I mean years. A series of things led me to that conclusion. If you've read my last post, you'll know what I'll be up to this summer - eliminating noise and distractions because it has become such a hindrance in so many areas of my life. And so there have been the occasional days here recently that I won't turn on the TV or listen to music while I'm bumming around my apartment. I had big plans to go to Kansas this weekend to visit a museum I've been wanting to see (www.safarimuseum.com) but thanks to this ridiculous snow and rain we got, the plans got scrapped, which left me in my apartment all day with nothing to do.

So, I decided to fix some of the things in my apartment that had been bothering me. I had left the TV off for most of the day and had been enjoying the silence. I began to think about what I would be doing next after cleaning. I had just picked up a stack of books at the local library's book sale and so I had 8 or 9 books awaiting my attention. So, I thougth about which one I would read first. But as I'm thinking about all that, it dawns on me that here I am with all this free time, time that I could be using to read my Bible or work on my Beth Moore study and yet I'm consciously choosing not to. I, then, too, fast forward to what this summer will look like because the whole point of getting rid of the technology in my life is to focus my heart and mind on God, but yet here I am in these "pre-experiment" days and all it's turning out to be is an experiment in exercising self-control and legalism rather than what I had really intentioned - turning my heart to focus on God. I think of Psalm 86:11, which says, "Train me, God, to walk straight; then I'll follow your true path. Put me together, one heart and mind; then, undivided, I'll worship in joyful fear." That's the ultimate result I want this sumer to be about - not just living in silence, but using that silence as a means to worship him in joyful fear.

All of this to say - hopefully I'm making sense as I go - that I realized that for quite some time now I have been avoiding having conversations with God - avoiding prayer, avoiding asking God about my next steps in life, avoiding reading his Word, etc. Even when I was in church this morning, I was thinking about it some more, trying to trace back over the timeline of my life to when I really started to keep my distance from God. And I think it came my junior year of college and the summer after when a series of events happened that really forced me beyond my comfort zone and really caused me to lean hard on God. I had to let go of a particular relationship and I was also heading overseas for about 7 weeks, both of which took a toll. And at the time, I thought I was okay with everything. I really was trusting God with it all and was continually being led by the Holy Spirit through it all, seeking his guidance.

But then after that spring and summer, in hindsight I realize how much my relationship with God changed. And as I sit here today, I wonder - was I kidding myself back then about really trusting God? Have I somehow really resented God all along about those particular incidences that happened and just haven't acknowledged it? Did those events cause me to really distrust God with what was before me because I think they came with such a hefty price? I realized, too, that my awareness of the Holy Spirit's work in my life changed a lot after all that. I stopped asking God questions because the answers I had been getting for so long were causing me pain and maybe somewhere along the way I started to think that God was asking too much of me. So, I stopped going to him with my questions because quite frankly, I didn't want the answers anymore.

It's been a startling question, one I think had crossed my mind before but I don't know that I've ever been honest with myself before - am I avoiding God certain areas of my life? In all my life?

Are you?

Summer of Silence

Why the title "Kierkegaard Experiment?" Well, a few weeks ago I was listening to a sermon on connecting with God in an over-connected world. I had been dwelling on that thought long before I heard this particular sermon, but it certainly reiterated so many things I had already been thinking. The pastor used the headline quote from Kierkegaard and I loved what it had to say.

As I mentioned, though, I had been thinking about the idea of just how distracted we are in the modern age. We have so many gadgets and so many things vying for our attention. We are starting to see the down falls of multi-tasking. Prime example - I recently sent this e-mail to some of my co-workers to state evidence supporting the idea:

I’ve come to the realization that there are certain behavioral tendencies that I have recently developed and I’ve noticed that these tendencies have only developed since moving back to Fulton and starting the Graduate Assistant (GA) position. Or it simply could be the generation in which I live multi-tasks like none other and thus we have a really hard time doing one thing at a time. Now the scary part to all of this is that I’m too young to be doing such things. So for a good morning laugh, please continue reading. Please understand that these are in no way made up or an exaggeration of events.

Evidence #1 of how the GA position has affected me:As some of you may have heard, I recently couldn’t find my phone. I checked the usual locations and then it dawned on me. I was on it, talking to my brother.

Evidence #2 of how the GA position has affected me:I was making copies the other day in Debbie’s office. I went to pull out some copies and my mind temporarily blanked out and thought to myself, “Neil – why did you print more copies??” Oh wait – that was me.

Evidence #3 of how the GA position has affected me:I was making my grocery list last night of things I need to get at Wal-mart. I, of course, was on the phone (and this time I knew I was). So, I jotted a few things down while I’m talking. This morning while I’m eating breakfast I go over the list again while I’m standing there and I realize that I wrote “shaving screams” instead of shaving cream.

Evidence #4 of how the GA position has affected me:Neil and I had a meeting the other day with all of the chapter presidents. A girl walked in and I thought, “She’s not a chapter president – what is she doing here??” I give Neil a weird look as the girl continues to find a seat and makes herself comfortable. About 30 seconds or so pass. Neil is still waiting for the lightning bolt to hit me. I’m still giving him a weird look. Then it dawns on me. Oh yes, she is from the marketing department and is going to talk to chapter presidents about updating Web sites, something about which I had received an e-mail that morning stating she would be there.

Evidence #5 of how the GA position has affected me: I was going to class the other night and I rode with one of my classmates in her car since we carpool. On the way back from class, I could not remember for the life of me where I had left my car, if it was still at my apartment or if I had driven it to the Dome.

Last but not least, Evidence #6 of how the GA position has affected me: My work day often includes prolonged moments of staring at my computer screen because I cannot remember what the heck I was just about to do or who I was getting ready to send an e-mail to.

Hopefully none of you suffer from such moments of insanity.

I write all of this to say that these distractions and these events are merely examples of how distractions and all the noise in my world have caused a great gulf to occur between God and I. And I've allowed it. I get consumed by other things to do, things I think are better things to do rather than sitting down and spending time in the Word. Better things to do than praying and focusing my heart on worship. I've developed an inability to concentrate or focus for any length of time without my thoughts wandering. It's become such a hindrance to my spiritual life and my relationship with God.

So, the experiment. Kierkegaard stated that we need to create silence if the gospel is to be heard at all, and I think that also means creating silence in our own lives if we are to hear the gospel on a personal level.

I've decided that starting May 1, I'm going to create silence.

I'm going to get rid of the distractions and the noise in my life by taking some very simple yet radical steps. My TV is going on my closet under a pile of stuff so that I can't get to it easily. So is my stereo/radio and my CD collection. My iPod is getting stashed in a drawer. My DVD collection will get stored somewhere too. The radio is going off in my car and I'm turning off my speakers at work. The laptop isn't coming out of the bag either. For three months. Yes, three months. For three months, I'm determined to live and silence and to see what happens. I had done something similar back when I was in college. I realized at one point that I had become somewhat dependent on noise in my life. I couldn't walk into a room without turning the TV on or the stereo. I was always listening to my iPod. Watching movies was my easy out; I didn't have to be creative with my time or my energy. I could just plop down on the couch and mindlessly watch a movie. So when I cut those things out of my life, I saw some interesting things happen. I began to paint more and I exercised my creative muscles. I read a lot more books. I was forced to get creative with my time. I was far more productive and wise about how I spent my day. I think I did that for about a month or so. And I loved it.

So, now we're going to try something similar, but hopefully reach a deeper level. I'll do my best to update the blog and reflect on the changes that happen in my life, if any. It'll be my way of keeping myself accountable by making the experiment public.

I ultimately want this to be a season of refocusing my relationship with God by canning the noise and distraction. I'm tired of living like that and having my thoughts so distracted whenever I pray or sit down to read Scripture.

I don't know where this road will lead or what will happen, but I'm anxious to dive into the summer. Sometimes you have to do some radical things in your life to see some radical results. Playing it safe usually doesn't get you anywhere.