It dawned on me yesterday as I was cleaning my apartment that I've been avoiding God for quite some time. And by "quite some time," I mean years. A series of things led me to that conclusion. If you've read my last post, you'll know what I'll be up to this summer - eliminating noise and distractions because it has become such a hindrance in so many areas of my life. And so there have been the occasional days here recently that I won't turn on the TV or listen to music while I'm bumming around my apartment. I had big plans to go to Kansas this weekend to visit a museum I've been wanting to see (www.safarimuseum.com) but thanks to this ridiculous snow and rain we got, the plans got scrapped, which left me in my apartment all day with nothing to do.
So, I decided to fix some of the things in my apartment that had been bothering me. I had left the TV off for most of the day and had been enjoying the silence. I began to think about what I would be doing next after cleaning. I had just picked up a stack of books at the local library's book sale and so I had 8 or 9 books awaiting my attention. So, I thougth about which one I would read first. But as I'm thinking about all that, it dawns on me that here I am with all this free time, time that I could be using to read my Bible or work on my Beth Moore study and yet I'm consciously choosing not to. I, then, too, fast forward to what this summer will look like because the whole point of getting rid of the technology in my life is to focus my heart and mind on God, but yet here I am in these "pre-experiment" days and all it's turning out to be is an experiment in exercising self-control and legalism rather than what I had really intentioned - turning my heart to focus on God. I think of Psalm 86:11, which says, "Train me, God, to walk straight; then I'll follow your true path. Put me together, one heart and mind; then, undivided, I'll worship in joyful fear." That's the ultimate result I want this sumer to be about - not just living in silence, but using that silence as a means to worship him in joyful fear.
All of this to say - hopefully I'm making sense as I go - that I realized that for quite some time now I have been avoiding having conversations with God - avoiding prayer, avoiding asking God about my next steps in life, avoiding reading his Word, etc. Even when I was in church this morning, I was thinking about it some more, trying to trace back over the timeline of my life to when I really started to keep my distance from God. And I think it came my junior year of college and the summer after when a series of events happened that really forced me beyond my comfort zone and really caused me to lean hard on God. I had to let go of a particular relationship and I was also heading overseas for about 7 weeks, both of which took a toll. And at the time, I thought I was okay with everything. I really was trusting God with it all and was continually being led by the Holy Spirit through it all, seeking his guidance.
But then after that spring and summer, in hindsight I realize how much my relationship with God changed. And as I sit here today, I wonder - was I kidding myself back then about really trusting God? Have I somehow really resented God all along about those particular incidences that happened and just haven't acknowledged it? Did those events cause me to really distrust God with what was before me because I think they came with such a hefty price? I realized, too, that my awareness of the Holy Spirit's work in my life changed a lot after all that. I stopped asking God questions because the answers I had been getting for so long were causing me pain and maybe somewhere along the way I started to think that God was asking too much of me. So, I stopped going to him with my questions because quite frankly, I didn't want the answers anymore.
It's been a startling question, one I think had crossed my mind before but I don't know that I've ever been honest with myself before - am I avoiding God certain areas of my life? In all my life?
Are you?
3.25.2009
3.14.2009
Summer of Silence
Why the title "Kierkegaard Experiment?" Well, a few weeks ago I was listening to a sermon on connecting with God in an over-connected world. I had been dwelling on that thought long before I heard this particular sermon, but it certainly reiterated so many things I had already been thinking. The pastor used the headline quote from Kierkegaard and I loved what it had to say.
As I mentioned, though, I had been thinking about the idea of just how distracted we are in the modern age. We have so many gadgets and so many things vying for our attention. We are starting to see the down falls of multi-tasking. Prime example - I recently sent this e-mail to some of my co-workers to state evidence supporting the idea:
I’ve come to the realization that there are certain behavioral tendencies that I have recently developed and I’ve noticed that these tendencies have only developed since moving back to Fulton and starting the Graduate Assistant (GA) position. Or it simply could be the generation in which I live multi-tasks like none other and thus we have a really hard time doing one thing at a time. Now the scary part to all of this is that I’m too young to be doing such things. So for a good morning laugh, please continue reading. Please understand that these are in no way made up or an exaggeration of events.
Evidence #1 of how the GA position has affected me:As some of you may have heard, I recently couldn’t find my phone. I checked the usual locations and then it dawned on me. I was on it, talking to my brother.
Evidence #2 of how the GA position has affected me:I was making copies the other day in Debbie’s office. I went to pull out some copies and my mind temporarily blanked out and thought to myself, “Neil – why did you print more copies??” Oh wait – that was me.
Evidence #3 of how the GA position has affected me:I was making my grocery list last night of things I need to get at Wal-mart. I, of course, was on the phone (and this time I knew I was). So, I jotted a few things down while I’m talking. This morning while I’m eating breakfast I go over the list again while I’m standing there and I realize that I wrote “shaving screams” instead of shaving cream.
Evidence #4 of how the GA position has affected me:Neil and I had a meeting the other day with all of the chapter presidents. A girl walked in and I thought, “She’s not a chapter president – what is she doing here??” I give Neil a weird look as the girl continues to find a seat and makes herself comfortable. About 30 seconds or so pass. Neil is still waiting for the lightning bolt to hit me. I’m still giving him a weird look. Then it dawns on me. Oh yes, she is from the marketing department and is going to talk to chapter presidents about updating Web sites, something about which I had received an e-mail that morning stating she would be there.
Evidence #5 of how the GA position has affected me: I was going to class the other night and I rode with one of my classmates in her car since we carpool. On the way back from class, I could not remember for the life of me where I had left my car, if it was still at my apartment or if I had driven it to the Dome.
Last but not least, Evidence #6 of how the GA position has affected me: My work day often includes prolonged moments of staring at my computer screen because I cannot remember what the heck I was just about to do or who I was getting ready to send an e-mail to.
Hopefully none of you suffer from such moments of insanity.
I write all of this to say that these distractions and these events are merely examples of how distractions and all the noise in my world have caused a great gulf to occur between God and I. And I've allowed it. I get consumed by other things to do, things I think are better things to do rather than sitting down and spending time in the Word. Better things to do than praying and focusing my heart on worship. I've developed an inability to concentrate or focus for any length of time without my thoughts wandering. It's become such a hindrance to my spiritual life and my relationship with God.
So, the experiment. Kierkegaard stated that we need to create silence if the gospel is to be heard at all, and I think that also means creating silence in our own lives if we are to hear the gospel on a personal level.
I've decided that starting May 1, I'm going to create silence.
I'm going to get rid of the distractions and the noise in my life by taking some very simple yet radical steps. My TV is going on my closet under a pile of stuff so that I can't get to it easily. So is my stereo/radio and my CD collection. My iPod is getting stashed in a drawer. My DVD collection will get stored somewhere too. The radio is going off in my car and I'm turning off my speakers at work. The laptop isn't coming out of the bag either. For three months. Yes, three months. For three months, I'm determined to live and silence and to see what happens. I had done something similar back when I was in college. I realized at one point that I had become somewhat dependent on noise in my life. I couldn't walk into a room without turning the TV on or the stereo. I was always listening to my iPod. Watching movies was my easy out; I didn't have to be creative with my time or my energy. I could just plop down on the couch and mindlessly watch a movie. So when I cut those things out of my life, I saw some interesting things happen. I began to paint more and I exercised my creative muscles. I read a lot more books. I was forced to get creative with my time. I was far more productive and wise about how I spent my day. I think I did that for about a month or so. And I loved it.
So, now we're going to try something similar, but hopefully reach a deeper level. I'll do my best to update the blog and reflect on the changes that happen in my life, if any. It'll be my way of keeping myself accountable by making the experiment public.
I ultimately want this to be a season of refocusing my relationship with God by canning the noise and distraction. I'm tired of living like that and having my thoughts so distracted whenever I pray or sit down to read Scripture.
I don't know where this road will lead or what will happen, but I'm anxious to dive into the summer. Sometimes you have to do some radical things in your life to see some radical results. Playing it safe usually doesn't get you anywhere.
As I mentioned, though, I had been thinking about the idea of just how distracted we are in the modern age. We have so many gadgets and so many things vying for our attention. We are starting to see the down falls of multi-tasking. Prime example - I recently sent this e-mail to some of my co-workers to state evidence supporting the idea:
I’ve come to the realization that there are certain behavioral tendencies that I have recently developed and I’ve noticed that these tendencies have only developed since moving back to Fulton and starting the Graduate Assistant (GA) position. Or it simply could be the generation in which I live multi-tasks like none other and thus we have a really hard time doing one thing at a time. Now the scary part to all of this is that I’m too young to be doing such things. So for a good morning laugh, please continue reading. Please understand that these are in no way made up or an exaggeration of events.
Evidence #1 of how the GA position has affected me:As some of you may have heard, I recently couldn’t find my phone. I checked the usual locations and then it dawned on me. I was on it, talking to my brother.
Evidence #2 of how the GA position has affected me:I was making copies the other day in Debbie’s office. I went to pull out some copies and my mind temporarily blanked out and thought to myself, “Neil – why did you print more copies??” Oh wait – that was me.
Evidence #3 of how the GA position has affected me:I was making my grocery list last night of things I need to get at Wal-mart. I, of course, was on the phone (and this time I knew I was). So, I jotted a few things down while I’m talking. This morning while I’m eating breakfast I go over the list again while I’m standing there and I realize that I wrote “shaving screams” instead of shaving cream.
Evidence #4 of how the GA position has affected me:Neil and I had a meeting the other day with all of the chapter presidents. A girl walked in and I thought, “She’s not a chapter president – what is she doing here??” I give Neil a weird look as the girl continues to find a seat and makes herself comfortable. About 30 seconds or so pass. Neil is still waiting for the lightning bolt to hit me. I’m still giving him a weird look. Then it dawns on me. Oh yes, she is from the marketing department and is going to talk to chapter presidents about updating Web sites, something about which I had received an e-mail that morning stating she would be there.
Evidence #5 of how the GA position has affected me: I was going to class the other night and I rode with one of my classmates in her car since we carpool. On the way back from class, I could not remember for the life of me where I had left my car, if it was still at my apartment or if I had driven it to the Dome.
Last but not least, Evidence #6 of how the GA position has affected me: My work day often includes prolonged moments of staring at my computer screen because I cannot remember what the heck I was just about to do or who I was getting ready to send an e-mail to.
Hopefully none of you suffer from such moments of insanity.
I write all of this to say that these distractions and these events are merely examples of how distractions and all the noise in my world have caused a great gulf to occur between God and I. And I've allowed it. I get consumed by other things to do, things I think are better things to do rather than sitting down and spending time in the Word. Better things to do than praying and focusing my heart on worship. I've developed an inability to concentrate or focus for any length of time without my thoughts wandering. It's become such a hindrance to my spiritual life and my relationship with God.
So, the experiment. Kierkegaard stated that we need to create silence if the gospel is to be heard at all, and I think that also means creating silence in our own lives if we are to hear the gospel on a personal level.
I've decided that starting May 1, I'm going to create silence.
I'm going to get rid of the distractions and the noise in my life by taking some very simple yet radical steps. My TV is going on my closet under a pile of stuff so that I can't get to it easily. So is my stereo/radio and my CD collection. My iPod is getting stashed in a drawer. My DVD collection will get stored somewhere too. The radio is going off in my car and I'm turning off my speakers at work. The laptop isn't coming out of the bag either. For three months. Yes, three months. For three months, I'm determined to live and silence and to see what happens. I had done something similar back when I was in college. I realized at one point that I had become somewhat dependent on noise in my life. I couldn't walk into a room without turning the TV on or the stereo. I was always listening to my iPod. Watching movies was my easy out; I didn't have to be creative with my time or my energy. I could just plop down on the couch and mindlessly watch a movie. So when I cut those things out of my life, I saw some interesting things happen. I began to paint more and I exercised my creative muscles. I read a lot more books. I was forced to get creative with my time. I was far more productive and wise about how I spent my day. I think I did that for about a month or so. And I loved it.
So, now we're going to try something similar, but hopefully reach a deeper level. I'll do my best to update the blog and reflect on the changes that happen in my life, if any. It'll be my way of keeping myself accountable by making the experiment public.
I ultimately want this to be a season of refocusing my relationship with God by canning the noise and distraction. I'm tired of living like that and having my thoughts so distracted whenever I pray or sit down to read Scripture.
I don't know where this road will lead or what will happen, but I'm anxious to dive into the summer. Sometimes you have to do some radical things in your life to see some radical results. Playing it safe usually doesn't get you anywhere.
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