Somewhere along the way I became convinced that God is a taker. In a recent Beth Moore study that I'm doing she posed the question, "In your heart of hearts, do you believe that God is a giver or a taker?" Without even having to think about it, I knew my answer. The reality is that I had been thinking about that question for awhile, maybe in so many different words, but I came to that conclusion awhile ago.
Because somewhere along the way, I made this decision to buy into the idea that God really was out to take things from me. That He wasn't going to do what was best for me, that was He was always going to ask me to give up the things that mattered most to me. And I began to resent Him. If I'm really honest with myself - I let that belief take root in my life. And it's wreaking havoc.
For awhile now, I've been trying to trace the timeline of my life and really pinpoint the moment at which I bought into that lie. And while I have nothing definitive, I do know that two significant events happened between my junior and senior year of college that really began to cement that belief. Now, I don't think it was this conscious moment of saying to myself, "God, I don't trust you anymore because of x, y, and z," but rather it was a progression of events and thoughts that led me to that.
One of those events being my time spent living abroad in Russia. That particular season of life was pretty ugly spiritually - just a lot of disobedience and sin, but also feeling very much I had been cast aside by other believers, people I trusted to help me walk through life, but ultimately made me feel as though I was being an inconvenience and I should pack my bags and leave. I was saw more for how I was damaging the team than for the fact that clearly something was wrong with me. My external behavior was being dealt with, but nobody was taking the time to deal with internal issues. It caused a lot of distrust - and the pages of my journals testify to that. Over and over again, I would say, 'I don't know who to trust anymore, I don't know where to turn..."
The other significant event was when I felt a particular relationship had been yanked out from underneath me. There are a host of thoughts that could be expanded upon when it comes to this relationship, but the primary point being that I felt I had been rejected - and that something yet again had been taken from me.
I realize in the grand scheme of life that these are fairly small events - but that matter to me. And they've affected me, and they've caused a lot of pain over time. And it's only now that I'm beginning to see just how much hold I've let them have over me. It's only now that I'm beginning to see how much I let those areas of my past destroy my relationship with the Lord. And it's only now that I'm beginning to see just how deeply rooted that belief that God is a taker has taken over my heart.
I've spent many a moment here lately having some very honest conversations with God about that - and, man, is it ever hard to say to God, "I really don't think you have plans for me, I really don't think what you have for me is good, and I'm terrified of the fact that whatever good might be in my life, you're going to steal it from me." It's heartbreaking to know that I break the heart of God. And then the anger sets in - mad at myself for how selfish and childish I've been - and mad at the devil for taking from me as well.
I have no good conclusion to all this - the work is still being done in my life. I know so much more is yet to be uncovered, about my past, about my beliefs, about my present, about my future. And we'll keep pressing on.
