To My Niece

Eighteen years ago next month I was baptized in a tiny country church. The same church where my brothers were baptized. The same church where my parents were baptized. (Well, technically my dad was baptized in a creek by the same name as the church, so close enough.) The walls of that country church have probably borne witness to several generations of my family getting baptized, even beyond my brothers and my parents.

 
And now I’m watching my oldest niece, Grace, make that same decision to get baptized. Different church, different city, same end result: our public declaration of our “yes” to Jesus.

A lot has happened in the 18 years since I took that plunge. I started out those 18 years convinced that following Jesus was going to be nothing but mountaintop experiences. That expectation got me into a lot of trouble and I’ve had to learn some lessons the hard way. Don’t get me wrong – the life spent following Christ is full of mountaintops. But my faith was dependent on those “spiritual highs", which left me disillusioned and angry more often than not.

But I have also encountered a God I am convinced is real. A God who is bigger than I ever dared imagine, a God who is scandalously gracious and long-suffering, especially with this girl who has got a seriously thick head.

So, my dearest Grace, I’m sad I can’t be there to witness your baptism in the next couple of weeks. In lieu of being there physically, can I share with you here what I want for you in your next 18 years (and beyond) based on some of my own lessons learned along the way?

I want you to want Jesus more than you want the approval and love of young men, more than the desire to fit in among your peers, more than the desire to get good grades, more than the desire to somehow measure up to the girls around who you think are more beautiful than you. Because when you want Jesus more than you want any of those things, you’ll soon find that all of those things don’t really matter anyway.

I want you to run as hard and as fast as you can to him, and just when you think you’ve reached him, I want you to run even harder and lean in even closer.

I want you to fall in love with his Word, to need it like you need air. Let the pages of Scriptures be the lifeline you need when you feel like you’re sinking, the balm you need when you feel like your wounds are too deep to ever heal again, the oxygen you need when you feel like your lungs are gasping for air. 

I want you love others lavishly and fully, neither putting them on a pedestal where they don’t belong nor condemning them for their brokenness. I have done both and I have paid a price for both. Don’t be like me and be stingy with your grace and mercy. 

I want you to explore the world around you, to travel at every opportunity that comes your way. (I realize your parents may not appreciate this piece of advice so much, especially if that means you’re frequently on the other side of the world.) Run headlong into the hurts of this world, and allow yourself to ache just a little in light of those hurts. Those hurts will keep you grounded in reality. When you encounter people and cultures and places that are altogether different from you, you will find your heart a bit fuller and your eyes opened a bit wider.

I want you to seek sexual purity and fight for it with everything you’ve got. This world is jacked up, and it has got some views on sexual and emotional purity that just leave me slack-jawed. Don’t buy what the world is selling when it comes to promiscuity. I promise you, I promise you, I promise you – God’s ways are always better than the world’s ways when it comes to dating, relationships and marriage. And if some boy comes along and tries to tell you it’s any different, feel free to leave his sorry rear in the dust and you run for your dear life. You are worth more.

I want you to hold loosely to your perception of who you think God is. Because you’ll find out that he’s nothing like what you think. He said in Isaiah 55, “My thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways.” He’s not love like you think of love, and he’s not kind like you think of kind, and he’s not just like you think of just. There will be days when you will want to shake your fist at him, curse him for allowing certain things to occur in your life. He will do things that make absolutely no sense at the time, and you’ll wonder if he’s really still on the throne. But fight so very hard and resist the urge to become bitter and resentful. Let your view of him get bigger with each passing year, not smaller. May your faith be based on who he is, not what he does. Who is he is unchanging, but he may choose in his sovereignty to allow certain things to come about that he may not have allowed in the lives of others. Trust his heart.

But do you know what I want for you more than anything? 

I want you to want Jesus more than anything. 

I want him to be your one magnificent obsession.

It won’t come easy, and it won’t come without pain. Following Jesus is never easy and it’s never convenient. Just because we make a decision to follow him doesn’t mean that life suddenly becomes full of sunshine, rainbows and unicorns. I have found that following Jesus is less about the mountaintops and a little bit more about the valleys. Because it’s in the valleys you find exactly how much grit and determination you have, and just how far you really are willing to follow him. If I could grant you a spiritual inheritance, I would want to hand you a very large helping of tenacity, because it will be tenacity that keeps you holding on to him, even in the moments when you’re convinced you want to let go.

I’ll leave you with this, a quote I have taped to my kitchen cabinet, a daily reminder that Jesus is all I’ll ever need. And he’s all you’ll ever need. Love you and so proud of you.

“You were created in the image of the Almighty God and you have a very brief window of time on Planet Earth, a very short opportunity, and in that window you have a chance to use your life to bring glory to God and to fall in love with Jesus. And here’s the deal: if you get what you want when you want it, most often neither one of those things is going to happen. But in the waiting, that’s where God gets the glory and in the waiting we learn that Jesus is really all we have and all we need.” - Louie Giglio

I Can Now Sleep at Night

It took five years, but my friend Ben finally got my memo.  

Our daily countdown, including Lyrics of the Week

I first saw Ben Rector in concert in May 2011. I hadn't heard of the guy prior to that, and then my friend Jill and I went to see Matt Wertz in concert in Nashville. Ben was opening up for Matt, and I left that show as Ben's newest fan. Just a stellar singer and songwriter.

We saw Ben a second time back in 2013 at a show down in Cincinnati.  Best concert I have ever been to.  I was sicker than a dog, but he was worth overcoming the slight delirium I was experiencing at the time.  He had just released his Walking in Between album, which was chocked full of excellent tunes, one of which is the song "Sailboat".  Probably one of my all-time favorite songs of his. (And his sidekick, Cody Fry, is amazing in his own right.)

And then.

And then the stars aligned, God heard our prayers, and Ben decided to come to Columbus this past week to kick off his "The Biggest Tour I Have Done So Far Tour".

Bless you, Ben.

Jill and I pounced on the tickets as soon as we could.

And then we decided to mark the occasion by counting down to the concert.  We started a couple of months ago, and every day, we updated the days, watching the calendar tick closer and closer to the big day.

And then he announced his VIP package deal.  We didn't take long to think about that one before we bought the upgrade.  I mean, who can turn down a VIP package that includes chocolate chip cookies? We got early admission to the show, a private pre-show acoustic performance, photo with Ben, signed tour poster, and a snazzy VIP lanyard.

And then he had a Q&A.

This was my chance.

For years now I've been listening Ben play his song "The Beat."  Great song.

The man of the hour, Ben Rector

But the opening lines drive me bonkers because they make no sense. 

"Stand there lady / won't you just stand still / she's got a white Mercedes / and I know she will / And then the beat comes"

BEN.  I DO NOT UNDERSTAND THIS.

You know she will what?  And what does a white Mercedes have to do with anything?

I now had the chance to ask him what the heck he was thinking when he wrote those lines.

There was a small group of VIPs, maybe 60 or so people, so when he said the floor was open for questions, my hand shot up in the air.  The conversation went something like this:

Me:  Ben,  I love your song "The Beat."  But the opening lines make zero sense.  Please explain.

Ben: There's not much to explain.  I wrote that song as a junior in college, so my writing skills kinda sucked.  It doesn't really mean anything.  So, don't read into it or look for some deeper meaning.

Me: I can now sleep at night.  Thank you.
 
The night could have stopped there and I would have been satisfied.  And, of course, he played "Sailboat" during the pre-show, which also made things all that more amazing.

It was standing room only for the show, but we made it to the second row. Ben then put on one heck of a show.  My cup runneth over.

But Ben, do you think maybe you could come to Columbus a little more frequently?  I don't like this thing of only seeing you once every 2-3 years.  

Me and Jill with Ben during the pre-show meet and greet

The Mystery of the Utility Pole "Sweaters"

I kind of love my city.

I think I spent years trying to stay away from it, terrified of coming home and somehow winding up stuck. But after years of trekking around the country and the globe, I have become more and more partial to my town with each passing year.  Sometimes it works that the more you travel, the less appealing your hometown feels.  It can start to feel small and suffocating.  Or the reverse can be true, which is what happened in my case.  The more I traveled and the more I saw the world, the more I came to appreciate what was right in front me.  Years ago I was so resistant to come home to this place, but now I'm usually eager to get back.  My city isn't a giant city like Atlanta, LA or New York, all of which I don't mind visiting, but I have zero interest in ever living in such places.  Too many people, too many cars, too much traffic, and just generally too much.   My town is a nice mid-sized city, with plenty to do, but not so big you feel overwhelmed by it all.  You can reach the opposite side of the city within 25-30 minutes with minimal effort, and not want to commit an act of road rage in the process (generally speaking).  

And I love my neighborhood.  It's quiet, but still conveniently located to everything I need - library, work, grocery store, church, family, etc.  It's just a bus ride away from the downtown area, but maybe only a 30 minute drive to the wide open spaces of the country.  

But like every city, it has its quirks and its touch of character.

Take for instance these utility poles.


You're probably thinking, Why the heck are there bands of yarn wrapped around these things?

Good question.

I wondered the same thing.

I walk by them every time I go to the gym.  I noticed earlier this summer there was a string of 3-4 utility poles slowly being wrapped up in these "sweaters" of sorts.  The adjacent chain link fence was also acquiring little knitted flowers and potholders.  With each passing week, there would be more and more accessories added to the poles and fence.

I found it so perplexing, and for the life of me, I could not figure out why anyone would ever crochet these things just to wrap them around a utility pole.

I inquired with co-workers and friends, Any ideas why someone is stitching all this yarn for the utility poles?  The theories abounded.  It's an alien yarn cartel one co-worker said.  I myself wondered if it was some sort of secret code?  Some sort of sign to neighboring crocheting gangs - Back off! This is our turf!  We'll knit you into a knot if you get close!  Was it a signal for some sort of top secret ops?  I mean, I really had no idea why someone would go to these lengths to create this stuff and then just wrap it around a random post.

So I decided to leave a note for this mythical knitter.

To the person who is knitting "sweaters" for the utility poles,

I walk by here often and noticed the growing collection of colorful items making their way around the poles and chain link fences.  Just out of curiosity  - why? 

Sincerely, 
Puzzled observer

I slipped my note into a Ziploc bag so it wouldn't get wet should it rain, tacked it to a utility pole a couple of weeks ago and awaited an answer.

No response.

Few more days.

No response.

And then!  

To my surprise, a note in return!  I nearly started jumping up and down right there on the sidewalk, abnormally and oddly giddy that this little exchange of letters between strangers was occurring.  

Puzzled observer,

Loved your question! There isn't just one answer to explain the motivation behind the yarn bombing.  That's what it's called - it's a real thing! So I'll run down the list:

• I'm for all for anything that causes a driver to lift their foot from the pedal - even if slightly - to take pause and slow down.  Especially here where the curbs are non-existent.  
• I always felt this stretch of sidewalk with the chain link fence could use a little fun.
• My grandmother grew up and was a 1920s flapper in this same neighborhood I now call home.  She taught me how to knit and crochet as a small girl. I like to think a little of her is in every stitch.  
• I like to knit and crochet, but I'm not skilled enough to make sweaters.  These are easier!  
• It keeps me out of the bars.  
• It makes me happy to think someone smiles because they like it or think it's silly.

Enjoy your walks!

Sincerely,

Knitting and crocheting 

Mystery solved!  I haven't decided if I'll write another note in return - not sure what I would say other than Thanks for adding a curious little mystery to my life!  

Who knew yarn-bombing was such a thing.  Makes my city that much more entertaining.  And we all need a little mystery in our lives now and then.      

Homesick for a Place That Has Never Been Home

According to my countdown, I have roughly 53 days until I am back in Jackson Hole, Wyoming.

The days can't fly by fast enough.

I'm heading back for two weeks in September, meeting up with my dear friend, Kristen.  We will spend the first week roaming the Tetons and Yellowstone, making our way from Jackson on up to Bozeman, Montana.  I then put her on a plane back to the East Coast while I stick around another week and hang out in Idaho for a couple of days, and then back to Jackson for the duration.  I fell head over heels in love with that corner of the world, and I don't think a single day has gone by since I got back that I haven't thought about Wyoming.  It captivated me in such a compelling and profound way, maybe more so than any other place in the world I've been to.  And I've been to my fair share of places.  

Isn't it curious, the places we have maybe never been to, or have visited only once, yet they still manage to beckon to us some like sort of Siren from the pages of Odyssey?  

I felt that way about Kenya for the longest time.  This strange, inexplicable attraction to it, even as a child.  I didn't fully understand it - and still don't - why I felt such a pull to that country, why I felt such an urge to hop on a plane and fly halfway around the world.  After I made the first trip and came home, I couldn't get the country off my mind.  I thought about that place incessantly, and did so nearly every day until I returned two years later. I felt like every waking moment was filled with a deep longing to return some day.

I feel that way now about Wyoming.  Like a homesick feeling.

Only Wyoming has never been home.

I think we all have those places, those corners of the world where we just feel like we belong, like we're coming home even though we know it's not really our home and never has been.  Maybe for you it's the secret hiding place at the park down the way.  Maybe it's the coffee shop around the corner.  Maybe it's the far reaches of some country so remote that it takes you two days, four planes, one bus, and one canoe to get there.  Maybe it's your favorite aunt's kitchen table two states away.  Wherever it is, it's the one place where you feel settled, like a piece of you clicked into place, and no matter what's happening in the world, you know you are right where you should be.   

That tells me something.

What I feel for Wyoming - that homesick feeling for a place that has never been home to me - tells me that I'm not meant for this world.  It tells me there is something buried deep inside of me - in all of us, really - that pokes at my heart, saying, "Hey - don't get too comfortable.  You don't really belong here.  This was never meant to be your home."  I think the longing we have for the places that have never been home to us are indicators of a larger story being told, one that speaks of eternity.

In Sheldon Vanauken's book A Severe Mercy, he exchanged a series of letters with famed Christian theologian and apologist, C.S. Lewis.  They were discussing the concept of time, reflecting on this idea that we were not meant to call this earth home:

C.S. Lewis asked how it was that I, as a product of a materialistic universe, was not at home there. 'Do fish complain of the sea for being wet? Or if they did, would that fact itself not strongly suggest that they had not always been, or would not always be, purely aquatic creatures?' Then, if we can complain of time and take such joy in the seemingly timeless moment, what does that suggest? It suggests that we have not always been or will not always be purely temporal creatures. It suggests that we were created for eternity. Not only are we harried by time, we seem unable, despite a thousand generations, even to get used to it. We are always amazed by it - how fast it goes, how slowly it goes, how much of it is gone. Where, we cry, has the time gone? We aren't adapted to it, not at home in it. If that is so, it may appear as proof, or at least a powerful suggestion, that eternity exists and is our home.

Homesickness is ultimately the fingerprint of God, embedding a longing for heaven deep within us.  Ecclesiastes 3:11 says, "[God] has also set eternity in the human heart."  When we're homesick - whether it's for the home we've known our whole lives, or for a place that we've merely seen pictures of, heck, even if it's a place that we have never fully identified, we just know there's something in us that longs for this unidentifiable place - we need to acknowledge it's just a symptom of a deeper sentiment:  we don't belong here.

You better believe I'm going to keep counting down the days until I am back on a plane and winging my way back to Jackson.  My new favorite quote as of late is from John Muir, "The mountains are calling, and I must go."  Every time I look at pictures from Jackson, my spirit groans within me, I just want to be there already.

The mountains are calling, and I must go.  But I'll let the longing for those mountains serve as a reminder:  This has never been home.  And never will be.        

Dear Younger Me

I recently finished reading the book I Don't Wait Anymore by Grace Thornton.  It messed with me - and continues to do so - in all sorts of good ways.  I began following her blog years ago, after a friend of mine had sent me a link to a post of Grace's that went viral, which also is where she gets her book title.  It is hands-down one of the single greatest treatise I've ever read on singleness and reflects my own sentiments. 

In her book, Grace posed the question to a friend, "If you had the chance to go back, what would you tell yourself, the college girl from ten years ago who thought she knew what life was about?"

Her friend, Amy, responded, " 'If I could go back, I would say, ‘Amy, that pathway to holiness, that journey to truly deep faith is a lot narrower than you think. And it starts, continues, and ends with a definitive love for the Word of God. I want you to know that what you love now is not really the Word. What you love is what other people tell you about the Word.  You love emotion and worship songs and books about God and the social aspect of church in college. But you do not love his Word. Not yet. That takes discipline and study and sacrifice. But you’ll get it.'"

Me, on the left, ten years ago, while living in Russia

for a summer

Amy's story is my story. All these things I thought I knew when I was in college.  I thought I knew Jesus then.  I thought I knew his Word, knew his people, knew what community and church and prayer and following him meant. 

I am learning more and more every day that I have absolutely no stinkin' clue about any of those things. 

So, to the me ten years ago? I have a few words for you...
 
Dear younger me:

You think you know Jesus.  And you think it's enough to live on yesterday's manna.  You still haven't figured out yet how to eat that manna every day, to gather it fresh, like God had instructed the Israelites while they wandered around the desert.  And every day you wonder why you just can't seem to pull it all together, why you can't seem to live in victory.  You wear your self-sufficiency like a badge of honor.  But it's that badge of honor that is costing you a more intimate relationship with Jesus.  Your independent streak robs you of knowing what it's like to depend fully on Him.  You have made picking yourself up by your bootstraps your higher calling instead of forgetting both the straps and the boots and deciding that trusting Jesus is a holy calling.  This is not the Girl Scouts and Jesus doesn't give out merit badges for people who decide they don't need him.  That's what hell is for.        

You let your insecurities rule you, and more often than not you choose to believe the lies over the truth. You've got to do double-time to defeat the schemes of the Enemy.  Take captive every thought and give it over to Christ, time and time and time again.  Get up, and do it again the next day and every day thereafter.  The Enemy will never relent, so neither can you.  Don't live in the discouragement, and don't spend so much time dwelling on all the things you got wrong, or should have said or done differently.  Reliving the past and hitting the replay button in your mind isn't going to do you any good.  Accept the grace given to you.  I know, grace feels awfully scary and uncertain.  You feel the need to earn whatever it is you're seeking, and grace feels like a handout, like you're being let off the hook.  It's not.  It's the scandalous love of a Savior who has repeatedly said, "My grace is sufficient for you."  You prove nothing by believing you are above or beyond this free gift.  

And that boy you thought you loved?  Let him go, sooner rather than later.  And close the gap between expectations and reality.  Those expectations will get you in to trouble if you don't deal with them.  Trust me, you don't want to spend the next seven years of your life wondering if he's going to show up on your doorstep and tell you what an idiot he was for letting you go.  He's not going to do that.  And that's okay.  Jesus has a better story coming.      
   
Embrace the introvert in you.  But don't let it become the justification for not engaging in the world around you.  Take chances and pursue the people, the strangers, the neighbors, the family around you.  You have much to learn from others, and they each have a story to tell.  Take time to listen well to the stories being told around you that are going unspoken.

Be quick to deal with your sins and your pride and your self-righteousness.  They are ugly things, those things that go unconfessed.  It's just easier to deal with them right away rather than letting them take root and become numb to your own depravity. 

You fixate and worry about all of the wrong things.  Either Jesus is who he says he is, or he isn't.  Make it a conscious choice every day to believe Him.   

Lastly, get over yourself. Fix your eyes on Jesus and life will get a whole lot easier.

P.S. Those black Chinese mesh slippers you love? Do yourself a favor and go ahead and buy them in bulk.  You'll wander 6 different countries with them, so just stock up now.      

Oh, and dear future me:
You've got a thick head, so I'm pretty sure you're still going to be learning these lessons in 10 years.  See above.

 

You Don't Need a God You Can See

I'm a collector of sunsets.

It started back in December of 2005.  I was on the heels of a summer that had rocked my world.  It was a season of life when I had spent my days making demands of God, begging him to show up in real, tangible ways, ways in my mind that would prove that He was who he said He was.  Pages and pages of my journal were filled with frantic scribblings, sometimes in all caps, things like "WHERE ARE YOU, GOD?" My faith  depended on what I could see.  I was in pursuit of physical evidences of God, proof that he was real and present in my life.  I was looking for the mountain top, the bolt of lightning, the writing on the wall, the pillar of fire.  I wanted something I could touch and see and feel.

I rounded out that summer coming to the conclusion that if my faith was based on what God did, then it wasn't much faith, because it was going to be contingent on what I could see before me.  But if it was based on who He was?  That was a different story.

For Christmas that year, my mentor, Debbie, a very dear woman who pointed me to Jesus time and time again throughout my early and mid-twenties, gave me a photograph of a sunset, with a note on the back, quoting Matthew 16:

The Pharisees and Sadducees came to Jesus and tested him by asking him to show them a sign from heaven.  He replied, “When evening comes, you say, ‘It will be fair weather, for the sky is red,’ and in the morning, ‘Today it will be stormy, for the sky is red and overcast.’ You know how to interpret the appearance of the sky, but you cannot interpret the signs of the times.  A wicked and adulterous generation looks for a sign, but none will be given it except the sign of Jonah.

I've since added to my collection of sunset photographs, various ones hanging around my apartment.  I have one of a sunset over the Masai Mara in Kenya.  Another one of a sunset over the Grand Tetons in Wyoming.  One of a sunset over a cornfield by my parents' house.  A sunset over the Pacific Ocean in San Diego.  Daily reminders that I had been looking for a God I could see.  I was looking to the skies to see when he was going to show up and behave like I thought he should.  The Pharisees and Sadducees were no different, searching equally so for a God they could see.  They had the very God made flesh standing before them, a man named Jesus Christ, and yet they still demanded a sign.

What foolish, foolish people we are.

I've been reminded of this lesson afresh here lately.  The Holy Spirit and I have been hammering away on Exodus 32 as of late, the story of the Israelites and the golden calf.  God had brought the people out of Egypt, he had sent the cloud by day and the pillar of fire by night to lead them.  He had given them Moses, the man who would lead them through the desert, the man who would speak to God as if they were friends. God had loosed the chains of slavery, and set their feet upon a path to freedom. He had parted the waters and drowned the Egyptian army.  God had made himself known to them time and time again.

And then Moses ascends Mount Sinai to meet with God.  The Bible says that the mountaintop was covered with fire, evidence of God's presence.  Forty days Moses is up there.  The people get a little impatient in the waiting, wondering where the heck this Moses guy is. (Don't we do the same when we are waiting on God?  "Where the heck did God go?  And why isn't he doing what I think he should be doing?")

When the people saw that Moses was so long in coming down from the mountain, they gathered around Aaron and said, “Come, make us gods who will go before us. As for this fellow Moses who brought us up out of Egypt, we don’t know what has happened to him.” Aaron answered them, “Take off the gold earrings that your wives, your sons and your daughters are wearing, and bring them to me.”  So all the people took off their earrings and brought them to Aaron.  He took what they handed him and made it into an idol cast in the shape of a calf, fashioning it with a tool. Then they said, “These are your gods, Israel, who brought you up out of Egypt.”  

Come, makes us gods who will go before us.

Come, make us a god we can see.

We're standing in the shadow of the Almighty, but we're not really convinced he is who he says he is, and we're not convinced he can do what he says he can do. So, we're going to march ourselves over here and craft a god we can see, one who is right before our very eyes.  

We spend our days searching for a God we can see, a God we can touch and feel, a God where we can know beyond a shadow of a doubt that he exists.

But here's what I am learning:

You and I don't need a God we can see.

Because we have a God who sees us.

Hagar, the mistress of Abraham, said in Genesis 16:13, after she had fled Abraham's wife, Sarai, and an angel comes to minister to her, "You are the God who sees me."

Beer Lahai Roi.

Well of the Living Ones Who Sees Me.

It's what she named the place where the angel came to visit her.

You are the God who sees me.

We have a God who sees us.  Why, oh why, do we spend our days hell-bent on fabricating a God we can see, when we get the God of the universe who has proclaimed over and over and over and over again, "I see you"?

You and I do not need a God we can see.  If our faith is dependent on a God that has to manifest himself in tangible ways before we believe, then we've got the wrong God on our hands.  All we've done is make an idol in his place.  And the horrible news about idols and false gods?  They can't see you.  The Israelites could worship that golden calf all they wanted.  They could dance around it and offer it sacrifices and bring their burnt offerings for generations to come.  They could sing their praises to it, pat it on its head, and build their altars around it.

But that golden calf was never going to develop eyes and see them.  That golden calf was never going to be able to respond to them, speak to them, feed them, save them, sanctify them.  Never.  And neither will the false idols we create.

After Jesus hung on the cross, was buried in the tomb, and was resurrected, he appeared to his disciples.  The disciples proclaimed, "We have seen the Lord!"  But good ol' Thomas, he wasn't going to believe the others until the saw the nail-scarred hands. So, Jesus came to him, invited him to put his hands on Jesus' nail-scarred hands.  And then Thomas saw and believed.

And then Jesus said this, "Because you have seen me, you have believed; blessed are those who have not seen and yet have believed.”

Thomas, Thomas, Thomas.  You want a God you can see and touch and feel.

But I am the God who sees you.

I see all your doubts, all your fears, all your wanderings, all your moments spent wondering if I'm really who I say I am.

Blessed are those who have not seen and yet have believed.

I am the God who sees you.

You and I?  We don't need a God we can see. The world has enough of those and every single one of them is bogus and every single one of them has eyes that are tightly closed, unable to see or respond to those who worship them.

Don't go searching for a God you can see.

You have a God who sees you.     

The One Thing I Swore I Would Never Leave

People often ask me if I miss horses and horseback riding.  It’s a fairly straightforward answer most days: no.

But here lately?

Here lately I’ve been getting a little more sentimental about the question.  A friend asked me just a couple of weeks ago, after watching a documentary called Unbranded (I highly recommend seeing it), which was about these four guys who broke and trained 16 wild mustangs and rode them from the Mexico border all the way up to Canada.  Stunning cinematography and a testament to the strength and ruggedness of these creatures.  After we got done watching the movie, I got in my car to drive home, thinking about her question, and I burst into tears. What on earth.  Tears that were totally unexpected and somewhat unexplainable, even in my own mind.  I’m still not sure I completely understand why the dam broke in light of her question.

I came out of the womb loving horses.  I was that little girl who actually got a pony as a child.  My grandfather had a herd of ornery little Shetland ponies that occasionally liked to escape from the pasture, and I was completely in love with them.  I have no conscious memory of this, but the family legend goes that one day I was over to my grandparents’ farm. My mom and dad were both working, my mom down to the county fair for the day, working in the fair board office.  My brothers and I were down to my grandparents’, under their watchful eye, although “watchful” may be relative if you ask my mother.

My mom called up to the house, wanting to check on us kids.  I was maybe three or four at the time? My grandfather answered and when my mom asked how I was doing, he calmly informed her that I was doing just fine, and that I was currently outside riding one of the ponies. No clue how I got up there.  I didn’t seem bothered, the pony didn’t seem bothered, and my grandpa didn’t seem bothered.  I don’t know that we could say the same for mother.  Apparently the thought of her toddler of a daughter traipsing around on the back of pony unsupervised was not her idea of “just fine”.

But that was just the start of the love affair that would turn into nearly a two-decade relationship.  I would eventually start taking lessons and training with a professional when I was maybe nine years old, started showing a couple of years after that, and bought my first horse a couple of years after that.

I ate, slept and breathed horses.  My walls were plastered with horse posters from Horse Illustrated. My bookshelves were overflowing with Breyer horses and horse books.  The All-American Quarter Horse Congress was one of my favorite places to go every year for my birthday.  I cut up the daily newspaper in the weeks leading up to the Triple Crown races, saving articles and features on various thoroughbreds and trainers, wondering if this was finally going to be the next big Crown winner.  I spent a couple of times a week at the local stables where I rode, inhaling deep breaths every time I walked in, loving the smell of hay, sawdust, leather and Murphy’s Oil.

It’s the one thing I swore I would never leave, the one thing I vowed I would never walk away from or abandon.

I wrote in my journal in January 2003, my senior year of high school, “I wouldn’t give horses up for anything.”

In a mere nine months, I did exactly what I swore I would never do: I quit riding without so much as a second glance or a second-guess.

It’s a long story of what happened in those nine months leading up to that decision, so I’ll spare you all of the details.  Mind you, by this time, I’m off to college at William Woods University, a university known for its equestrian program, the first of its kind in the nation.  That program was the whole reason why I had moved 8 hours and 500-plus miles away from my home and family.  The short version primarily boiled down to the fact that I had a lot of conversations with Jesus and that I literally woke up one day and didn’t care if I ever got on the back of a horse again.  And for all intents and purposes, I didn’t. I lost all desire, all interest, and all passion for the thing I had loved most in my life.  God had made it clear: walk away from horses.

I would write in my journal in October of that year, hardly eight weeks into the first semester, writing about how I didn’t want to pursue riding anymore, “And the crazy thing? I’m not the slightest bit upset about it.  I’ll never stop loving them.  They were my first love.  At one point I couldn’t imagine my life without them.  But now I can.”

And that’s how I knew – when I began imagining my life without horses, something that had never ever occurred to me before, like a light getting switched on for the first time, I knew it was time to put the saddle away and pack up my riding clothes.  I dropped both of my riding classes shortly after that journal entry in October, not even bothering to finish the semester.  I still went back to the stables that following summer and worked for my trainer, but I think it was because I was still trying to figure out what else to do.  At that point, I had spent practically ten years riding horses, in the saddle at least a thousand different times on who knows how many different horses.

I can count on one hand now the number of times I’ve been on the back of a horse since that last summer.

Walking away from horses was one of the smartest decisions I have ever made in my life.  And if I had to do it all over again, I would do the exact same thing.  God had given me the possibility of new and different dreams, ones that were better than anything I could have imagined, including horses.

So, do I miss them? Yeah, on occasion, if I’m honest.  I miss the feel of their neck underneath my hands, feeling their mane run through my fingers.  I miss the feel of the brush in my hands, their muscles rippling beneath the movements.  I miss the satisfaction that came from manual labor and long hard days.  I miss the smell of molasses grain and saddle soap.  I miss the quiet mornings spent grooming the horses and getting them ready for their workouts.  I miss the feel of the saddle underneath me.  I miss the routines.  I miss feeding them mints after a hard workout.  I miss the solitude and the stillness of the barn, the occasional munching of hay drifting down the aisle.

Yeah, there’s a lot that I miss.

But not enough to pick that dream up again.

And I’m okay with that.  Until God upends that dream and turns it around like he did once before, I’ll be content to enjoy my once-every-couple-of-years horseback ride on the beaches of New Zealand or through the Grand Tetons.

That’s enough for me.  For now.

Because you know what they say - never say never.

A Series of Palm-to-Forehead Moments

We've all had them.  Those moments when you walk away from a conversation or an interaction, and you smack yourself on the forehead and mutter under your breath, "You idiot."  Those moments when you realize in hindsight that you completely missed a social cue or stuck your foot in your mouth.  Those moments when you are so completely oblivious that you said or did anything stupid, and it's not until much, much, much later that it ever even dawns on you.  You know, those moments.

I'm a collector of those kinds of moments.  Particularly with the male gender.

Exhibit A:

Years ago, maybe sometime when I was in grad school, I went off to a dentist appointment.  This was a dentist that most of my family went to, and I had seen him maybe a couple of times before.  Nice guy, on the younger side, not married.  It seemed almost every time I went into the office, though, either his assistant or the dentist himself asked if I was single/dating/married.  Sometimes I often thought annoyingly, "What is with you people? Why does everyone feel such an incessant need to know my relationship status every time I walk in here?" So then one time, I'm chatting with the dentist, and he gets to talking about music and how a buddy of his is playing in a band at a venue in town that coming weekend.  He told me the times and the name of the venue, said I should come check out.  I didn't think much of it, and I said yeah, maybe I'll ask my friend if she wants to come with me, even though I really had no intention of pursuing the idea.  I thought he was just making general conversation.  I, of course, didn't go to the concert that weekend, but I really didn't give the whole thing another thought.

So, about a year or so later I'm back in the office.  The same song and dance - everybody's asking me about my relationship status and I'm still wondering why these people are so freakin' concerned about it.

And then it dawns on me.  Waaaaaaaaiiiiiiiiiiiiiiit a minute.  Was that a very subtle pick up line of some kind a YEAR ago when he was asking me to come check out his friend's band??  Was he interested and I just completely missed the boat??

Yes, palm to forehead.

Exhibit B:

Then there was that one time at the grocery store.  I'm minding my own business, doing my usual weekly shopping.  I see this rather tall, good-looking guy come around the corner, pushing a shopping cart.  Has a ball cap on, in workout clothes.  I definitely did a double-take, but continued to go on my way.  He then stops me and says, "Excuse me, do you know where the honey is?"  Again, me and my oblivious self just thought he genuinely wanted to know where the honey was.  I said, "Nope, sorry," and kept right on walking.

I walk out of the store, unload my groceries into my car.  And then it dawns on me again.  Waaaaaaaaiiiiiiiiiiiiiiit a minute.  Was that a very subtle pick up line YET AGAIN that I totally missed??  I mean, what guy wanders around the grocery store and then asks a random girl where the honey is?  That's not normal, right?  I guess maybe it could have been a legitimate question, but I don't think it was?  Why do these things keep happening?

Another palm to forehead moment.

Exhibit C:

An acquaintance of mine had been talking to me for almost a year about this guy she knew, a former college roommate of her husband.  She kept pestering me about the two of us meeting, thought we would be a good match, so I was finally like, "Okay, okay.  I'll meet him."

So, the four of us - me, my friend, her husband, and the husband's friend - all gather together at my friend's house.  We're all shooting the breeze, getting to know one another, the friend's kids are playing outside. You know, a casual, relaxed, no pressure interaction. We're winding down for the day, and I was getting ready to head out the door.  One of our final conversations was about technology and social media and the like. One of my favorite topics.  If you know me, that last line was entirely sarcastic.  I avoid social media like the plague and I intentionally have no internet at my apartment.  I'm currently sitting at the public library writing this post.

I left the conversation, bid adieu to everyone, and then never heard a peep from my friend or the college roommate about anything further.  That struck me kind of odd, given that my friend had been talking about this guy for so long.  Suddenly now there was radio silence.  Which was fine by me because I don't know that I was all that interested.  But nevertheless.  The real kicker was when I got home and did some detective work. I Googled the guy.  I find out he works for a tech firm.

He's the Chief.Technical.Officer for a digital.marketing.firm.

Translation: the guy eats, sleeps and breathes all of the things I try to avoid on a regular basis.

I thought of the scene from National Treasure, when Ben and Riley are trying to convince Abigail that there is an invisible map on the back of the Declaration of Independence.  As they rattle off facts, each one proving more and more far-fetched to Abigail, Riley would say, "That's where we lost the FBI."  "Annnnnd that's where we lost the Department of Homeland Security."

I'm pretty sure when I uttered the words, "I don't have internet," the Chief Technical Officer was like, "And that's where we lost all hope of this relationship going anywhere."

Palm to forehead.

I'm sure given time, I will eventually experience Exhibits D-Z.  What can I say?  Sometimes I am just blissfully unaware of how these social interactions are supposed to work.  Cut me some slack.

Some day, somebody's bound to come along, one who won't find me smacking my palm to my forehead after I have a conversation with him.

A girl can hope, right?        

The Power of a Simple Thank You Note

I love a good handwritten note, whether it's of the love letter variety, a thank you note, or just a note to say hello. Maybe it's the nostalgic side of me, wishing we still lived in a world that was a little less technology-driven.  And maybe I just appreciate the discipline of a handwritten note - it takes extra time and requires far more intentionality than just zipping off a text message, email, or a quick post to Facebook.  When you get a handwritten note in the mail, you feel a little more loved and valued (or at least I do) because you know that the person on the other side of the pen and the postage went out of their way to gather up a card, draft their words, sign with a flourish and then get the card in the mailbox.  

I do my best to send handwritten notes to friends and family on occasion, maybe just a note to say hello, or a note to encourage.  Last week I decided to go on a thank you note writing binge, though, and send thank you notes to the people in my life that I maybe interact with semi-regularly, but they aren't the people I generally think to stop and thank.  The staff at the public library, which some days I feel like is my second home.  My pastor and his wife. The church secretary.  The nursery coordinator at church.  The owner of Just Pies.  The staff at Bibibop, one of my favorite restaurants.  They were all an assortment of people that I am very grateful for, and I thought they should know.

So, off I went to write my notes.  I dropped them in the mail and didn't give them another thought.  I just liked the satisfaction of knowing that I could offer a few words of encouragement to people who probably don't get thanked very often.

I marched off to my mailbox the other day, keeping my expectations low, because let's be honest - the only mail I get anymore that is remotely exciting is Sports Illustrated.  And I actually think my free subscription expired so my mail just got infinitely more depressing.  But as I rummaged through the whole two pieces of mail I got on this particular day, I noticed a card with a handwritten address.  It was from Bibibop.  I ripped it open and inside was a note from the general manager of the location I had specifically written to.  And it also included three cards for free meals at Bibibop.  Say whaaaaat?!  I was not expecting anything in return, but I got super giddy at the fact that the manager had likewise gone out of her way to write back to me.  And bonus - I had planned on going to Bibibop that night for dinner anyway, so it was perfect timing.  The whole thing just made my day.  

So, do yourself a favor.  Think of a few people or businesses that you cross paths with and send them a handwritten thank you note.  Don't do it because you expect anything in return.  Do it simply because sometimes people just need to hear the words thank you.               

You Know You Need a New Phone When...

I was raised to believe that you maybe pay a little bit more to buy a quality product, and then take really good care of it so that it lasts forever.

I take that approach to heart.

As evidenced by my laptop.  Which will turn 13 years old this summer.  Still working like a champ.  I mean, I may not always be able to connect to modern Wi-Fi, but minor detail.

Let's also not forget the shoes I wear to the gym, which will turn 11 this year.  My feet are living the dream.

I have another pair of black, semi-dressy slip-on shoes that will turn 10, shoes which I have super-glued back together more times than are necessary.  But these are probably my very favorite shoes.  They have been with me to every country I have ever visited, having bought them just before I went to Russia in 2006.  And I have never, ever found another pair like them.  I will go into mourning and wear black for a year when they finally kick the bucket.  But until then, I am holding onto them for dear life, with obvious super glue patches and all.

There's the faded red t-shirt I have had since I was a child (sadly or not sadly, I can still fit in it comfortably).  It has a giant horseshoe on it with a draft horse walking through the center.  I remember going to draft horse pulls a lot as a kid, which is where I think I acquired it.  It's so soft, so comfy, worn-in just so.  So, on the conservative side, maybe a good 20 years old?

And then there is my smartphone.

Which will be 4-years old this May.

For those of you who like to have the latest and greatest technology, your palms probably just broke out in a sweat and you felt anxiety settle in on my behalf.

Don't worry, the feeling will fade.  

I have a love/hate relationship with my phone.  I went kicking and screaming when I had to upgrade to this phone, so reluctant to join the rest of the world and their smartphone madness.  I was very partial to my basic, slide-keyboard phone, that was working just fine, thank you very much.  But I was getting ready to head back to Kenya at the time, and for a variety of reasons, it really did make sense for me to get something that was a little more useful overseas than my little Samsung Rogue.

I switched over to my current smartphone before I went to Kenya back in 2012, but I kept my Rogue on hand.  After I got back, I switched back to my Rogue, probably out of stubbornness because I didn't want to pay the data fee that was now attached to my newly-acquired smartphone.

I have noticed, however, in recent months that a vast majority of apps no longer work on my phone.  My bank app quit working because it said it was no longer compatible with my phone.  I uninstalled a couple of apps where I listened to sermons and podcasts because my whole phone would crash when I tried to open them.  Alas, the old gray mare ain't what she used to be.  

Let's take the ESPN app, for example.

It still loads on my phone and I can still get current scores.  But none of the headlines are current.  

The headline now reads "Warriors Hold Off Clips", with a picture of Blake Griffin.

Which happened roughly 367 days ago.

That apparently is the last time my ESPN app experienced an update.  And when I try to get the latest version from the app store, I get that oh-so-frequent error, "This is not compatible with your phone."

But I'm not complaining.

So long as I can text and make calls, my little phone and I will continue on our merry way.  

Because who cares if ESPN doesn't load right when you've got Sports Illustrated, right?!