We've all had them. Those moments when you walk away from a conversation or an interaction, and you smack yourself on the forehead and mutter under your breath, "You idiot." Those moments when you realize in hindsight that you completely missed a social cue or stuck your foot in your mouth. Those moments when you are so completely oblivious that you said or did anything stupid, and it's not until much, much, much later that it ever even dawns on you. You know, those moments.
I'm a collector of those kinds of moments. Particularly with the male gender.
Exhibit A:
Years ago, maybe sometime when I was in grad school, I went off to a dentist appointment. This was a dentist that most of my family went to, and I had seen him maybe a couple of times before. Nice guy, on the younger side, not married. It seemed almost every time I went into the office, though, either his assistant or the dentist himself asked if I was single/dating/married. Sometimes I often thought annoyingly, "What is with you people? Why does everyone feel such an incessant need to know my relationship status every time I walk in here?" So then one time, I'm chatting with the dentist, and he gets to talking about music and how a buddy of his is playing in a band at a venue in town that coming weekend. He told me the times and the name of the venue, said I should come check out. I didn't think much of it, and I said yeah, maybe I'll ask my friend if she wants to come with me, even though I really had no intention of pursuing the idea. I thought he was just making general conversation. I, of course, didn't go to the concert that weekend, but I really didn't give the whole thing another thought.
So, about a year or so later I'm back in the office. The same song and dance - everybody's asking me about my relationship status and I'm still wondering why these people are so freakin' concerned about it.
And then it dawns on me. Waaaaaaaaiiiiiiiiiiiiiiit a minute. Was that a very subtle pick up line of some kind a YEAR ago when he was asking me to come check out his friend's band?? Was he interested and I just completely missed the boat??
Yes, palm to forehead.
Exhibit B:
Then there was that one time at the grocery store. I'm minding my own business, doing my usual weekly shopping. I see this rather tall, good-looking guy come around the corner, pushing a shopping cart. Has a ball cap on, in workout clothes. I definitely did a double-take, but continued to go on my way. He then stops me and says, "Excuse me, do you know where the honey is?" Again, me and my oblivious self just thought he genuinely wanted to know where the honey was. I said, "Nope, sorry," and kept right on walking.
I walk out of the store, unload my groceries into my car. And then it dawns on me again. Waaaaaaaaiiiiiiiiiiiiiiit a minute. Was that a very subtle pick up line YET AGAIN that I totally missed?? I mean, what guy wanders around the grocery store and then asks a random girl where the honey is? That's not normal, right? I guess maybe it could have been a legitimate question, but I don't think it was? Why do these things keep happening?
Another palm to forehead moment.
Exhibit C:
An acquaintance of mine had been talking to me for almost a year about this guy she knew, a former college roommate of her husband. She kept pestering me about the two of us meeting, thought we would be a good match, so I was finally like, "Okay, okay. I'll meet him."
So, the four of us - me, my friend, her husband, and the husband's friend - all gather together at my friend's house. We're all shooting the breeze, getting to know one another, the friend's kids are playing outside. You know, a casual, relaxed, no pressure interaction. We're winding down for the day, and I was getting ready to head out the door. One of our final conversations was about technology and social media and the like. One of my favorite topics. If you know me, that last line was entirely sarcastic. I avoid social media like the plague and I intentionally have no internet at my apartment. I'm currently sitting at the public library writing this post.
I left the conversation, bid adieu to everyone, and then never heard a peep from my friend or the college roommate about anything further. That struck me kind of odd, given that my friend had been talking about this guy for so long. Suddenly now there was radio silence. Which was fine by me because I don't know that I was all that interested. But nevertheless. The real kicker was when I got home and did some detective work. I Googled the guy. I find out he works for a tech firm.
He's the Chief.Technical.Officer for a digital.marketing.firm.
Translation: the guy eats, sleeps and breathes all of the things I try to avoid on a regular basis.
I thought of the scene from National Treasure, when Ben and Riley are trying to convince Abigail that there is an invisible map on the back of the Declaration of Independence. As they rattle off facts, each one proving more and more far-fetched to Abigail, Riley would say, "That's where we lost the FBI." "Annnnnd that's where we lost the Department of Homeland Security."
I'm pretty sure when I uttered the words, "I don't have internet," the Chief Technical Officer was like, "And that's where we lost all hope of this relationship going anywhere."
Palm to forehead.
I'm sure given time, I will eventually experience Exhibits D-Z. What can I say? Sometimes I am just blissfully unaware of how these social interactions are supposed to work. Cut me some slack.
Some day, somebody's bound to come along, one who won't find me smacking my palm to my forehead after I have a conversation with him.
A girl can hope, right?
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