Walking Through the Doors

Sometimes I think more than I should.  It's a dangerous habit.  Then I think about what I think about, which is really dangerous.  I get to overanalyzing and second-guessing, questioning and wondering.  And by the time I'm done with the conversation I'm having with myself, I'm inevitably back to where I began. 

I have found that to be most true as I have reflected on the possibilities of my future, particularly in regards to Africa.  I feel this compelling need to figure it all out now - to determine now whether I'm going to spend the rest of my life there or at least a good portion of it.  This compelling need to determine now which organization to go with and why.  This compelling need to determine now exactly in what capacity I could serve. 

But you know the one thing God keeps telling me?  Walk through the doors as they open.  I don't need to figure it all out now.  I just need to walk through the doors that open.  I need to put one foot in front of the other and keep moving forward. 

I remember Beth Moore saying one time, speaking about God's will - it is a progressive will, one that is revealed over time.  God slowly sheds light on what his plans are for our lives, day by day he pulls back the curtain and says, 'This is your next step.  This the next right thing to do.  Go, do that. Quit overanalyzing, quit worrying about planning every nanosecond of your life from now until you die."  I've needed that reminded here lately, when I get so caught up in worrying about what God's plans are for my life, both in the short- and long-term. 

Right now, those next steps are to go back to Kenya next summer.  That is what's next.  That's what I know right now.  That's the light he's given me. 

Your word is a lamp unto my feet and a light unto my path.

I need to trust that word and keep walking down the path, walking through the doors that he opens.

Through This, I've Been Reminded

Relationships are funny things.  I suppose if you stopped and thought about it long enough, the fact that any two human beings can ever make any friendship or relationship work really does seem a bit absurd.  I mean, sometimes I think it's downright crazy.  Putting two sinful people together and saying, "Go, be a reflection of Christ."  Hm.  Easier said than done.

What I've really been reminded of lately, though, is ultimately how I see Christ through my relationship with Nick.  On numerous occasions the Lord has brought to mind things where he just gently says, "Okay - see this?  That's a reflection of me, that's meant to be a reminder of me, a reminder of what I feel for you."  I finally just had to make a list because I had way too many thoughts floating around in my head and I didn't want them to escape.  My relationship with Nick has been so sweet and I'm ever so grateful for him, for a variety of reasons, but God continually pulls back the curtain, reminding me of what it could like if we stop pursuing Him, if we get caught up in our own wants and needs.

I've been reminded that the other person will never full satisfy me and meet all of my expectations.  And when he doesn't, Christ will.

I've been reminded that if our hope is in the other person a vast majority of the time and he doesn't fulfill that hope, Christ will.

I've been reminded that when we make an idol out of the other person or worship how he makes us feel, we'll wake up one day and realize he can never save me.  Christ does.

I've been reminded that if we do not first have a life story, one that is intertwined with Christ, then when our love story happens, we will have no identity apart from that person.  Christ must be our identity.

I've been reminded that while our longings and desires can be true and pure, if they are not kept in check, we'll be left with nothing but lust and lies, deceived by our own wants.  Those longings can neither be revered nor condemned, but must be thought about rightly in reference to Christ.  He is to be our ultimate longing.

I've been reminded that if our relationship does not ultimately reflect Christ and his church, then it's time to reevaluate and set aright that which is wrong.  The world is watching and waiting for us to make a wrong move - let's not give them a reason to find fault.  Christ is the mirror we must reflect.

I've been reminded that if a man - a mere human - can feel this way about me, then doesn't Christ feel that way even more so?  And if somebody longs to lavish their love on me, then doesn't Christ wish to do even more?

I've been reminded that if a man declares to me that I am beautiful or wanted, should I not take him at his word?  And if God declares the same, should I not believe him even more so? We insult both and foster unbelief when we are quick to brush off that which is spoken.  If he says it's true, what further proof or evidence do I need?

I've been reminded that God calls us to be like him, in whatever medium we find ourselves.  It is not wrong to want or need another human being, to enjoy him, to love him, to be grateful.  God gives us those desires and they are good.  But they are not the bottom line.  Christ is.     

In Christ alone my hope is found,
He is my light, my strength, my song;
this Cornerstone, this solid Ground,
firm through the fiercest drought and storm.
What heights of love, what depths of peace,
when fears are stilled, when strivings cease!
My Comforter, my All in All,
Here in the love of Christ I stand.

In Christ alone who took on flesh
Fullness of God in helpless babe
This gift of love and righteousness
Scorned by the ones he came to save:
Till on that cross as Jesus died,
The wrath of God was satisfied -
For every sin on Him was laid;
Here in the death of Christ I live.

There in the ground His body lay
Light of the world by darkness slain:
Then bursting forth in glorious Day
Up from the grave he rose again
And as He stands in victory
Sin's curse has lost its grip on me,
For I am His and He is mine -
Bought with the precious blood of Christ.

No guilt in life, no fear in death,
This is the power of Christ in me;
From life's first cry to final breath.
Jesus commands my destiny.
No power of hell, no scheme of man,
Can ever pluck me from His hand;
Till He returns or calls me home,
Here in the power of Christ I'll stand.

The Things I Used to Think

You know how sometimes the sun's rays will shine through a bank of clouds, leaving part of the land covered in light and the rest covered in shadows? 

I used to think wherever those rays landed, those were the only people God spoke to. 

And you know how some vehicles have an emergency brake handle in the center console?

I used to think if you pulled the handle the seats would eject.

And radios - you know how the song changes every few minutes?

I used to think a new band would literally set up of their instruments in a room at the radio station.  I could never figure out how they could change things so quickly in between songs.

The things I used to think.

Don't ask me how my childish mind came up with those things.  Somehow or another, we come up with outlandish notions as children because in our little minds, they make sense to us.

But now I know.

Where the sun's rays fall can't limit to whom God speaks.

Because now I know He's bigger than that.

And I'm not going to die when I pull the emergency brake and get catapulted out of my car.

Because  now I know emergency brakes are more about my safety.

And the wonders of technology means Brad Paisley isn't scrambling to get his band out of the way in order for Rascal Flatts to play their next song.

Because now I know. 

I love how the pastor Isaac Anderson said it in a sermon once about becoming disillusioned with God.  He said, "Maybe we need to set aside whatever notions we might have of who we think God is in order to go in search of a God worth finding.  A God that is big enough, and mysterious enough, a God who isn't so much worthy of our disinterest, but worthy of our devotion."

There are a lot of things I used to think were right and true, some silly, some not so silly.  I'm a little older and a little wiser.  I'm grateful that God is the kind of God that doesn't leave us alone at the crossroads of things we used to think and things we now know.  We're always learning, always growing - sometimes it's not easy and sometimes I think it would be easier to go back to thinking the things I used to think.

But now I know.

The Practice of Getting Lost

Sometimes we need to get a little lost.  It does our senses some good when we're not sure where we are.  Barbara Brown Taylor said in her book An Altar in the World, "You have to start somewhere.  If you do not start choosing to get lost in some fairly low-risk ways, then how will you ever manage when one of life's big winds knocks you clean off your course?  I am not speaking literally here, although literal lostness is a good place to begin since the skills are the same: managing your panic, marshalling your resources, taking a good look around to see where you are and what this unexpected development might have to offer you."

Some people don't manage their panic or marshal their resources very well, however.  You may have heard about the couple and their children who got lost in a corn maze in Danvers, Massachusetts.  After spending who-knows-how-long in the maze and not making it out, the decide to call 911.  That would have been my natural thought.  Yes, let's call 911 to get us out of a corn maze.  Hmm. Either way, the police come, only for the couple to discover that they were about 25 feet away from the exit.  To each his own.

But then I spent some time in our own local corn maze and discovered that I was quite annoyed at getting lost.  And quite annoyed at going around in circles, wondering how the heck to get over there, wherever there is, when I am so sick of seeing and being here, wherever here is.  I didn't feel the need to call 911, but I will admit that I did text the above sign at one point because clearly my sense of direction was not getting me anywhere.  The text wasn't much help.  It basically said look at the sun and go left.  Awesome.  That's just where I came from.  So, I'm still here.  

I suppose getting lost in that corn maze was a good reminder, though, for me.  I need those kind of reminders every so often, even if they do come in the form of muddy paths, ridiculous winds, screaming lost children, and stalks of corn slapping me in the face as I walk by.  I need to get lost a little more often.  And be okay with it.  

Taylor went on to write in her book

When the safety net has split, when the resources are gone, when the way ahead is not clear, the sudden exposure can be both frightening and revealing.  We spend so much of our time protecting ourselves from this exposure that a weird kind of relief can result when we fail.  To lie flat on the ground with the breath knocked out of you is to find a solid resting place.  This is as low as you can go.  You told yourself you would die if it ever came to this, but here you are. You cannot help yourself and yet you live."

She goes on to say 

You will think of other ways to get lost, or to accept that you really have gotten lost through no choice of your own.  It can happen anywhere, in all kinds of ways.  You can get lost on your way home.  You can get lost looking for love.  You can get lost between jobs.  You can get lost looking for God.  However it happens, take heart.  Others before you have found a way in the wilderness, where there are as many angels as there are wild beasts, and plenty of other lost people, too.  All it takes is one of them to find you.  All it takes is you to find one of them.  However it happens, you could do worse than to kneel down and ask a blessing, remembering how many knees have kissed this altar before you.

I only hope I can practice the art of getting lost a little more often, both in the literal and figurative sense.  I'll just know not to text Pig17 next time around.

Look Closely

It's been awhile since I carved a few pumpkins.  My right arm certainly knew that it had been awhile considering it felt like it was going numb after just ten minutes of trying to carve out part of Mickey Mouse's ear.  Now, I'm not a big fan of Halloween in general.  I think the holiday could go away all together and we'd be better off without it.  However, I do love fall and all things that go along with fall - cider, sweaters, scarves, football, changing leaves, pumpkins, etc.  Thus, the pumpkin carving party I had with my niece and Nick's little sister. 

I really didn't want to have a pumpkin that had a particular Halloween theme - no spooky ghosts, or "trick or treat," or anything like that.  So we went with Mickey.  My mom loves Disney and I wasn't feeling partial to any particular concept myself, so I figured why not.  We made a pit stop at a local pumpkin farm, where we carefully (and quickly - since it was pretty chilly that day) selected our pumpkins, grabbed our carving kits, printed out our patterns, and dove in.  

Grace had opted for a Perry the Platypus pattern.  If you are a Phineas and Ferb fan (unlike myself), then you'll know that Perry is one of the characters from the show.  This is not a show that I happen to be well-acquainted with so I wasn't entirely sure what Perry the Platypus would look like, I was just informed that he was blue. 

This is what Perry the Platypus should look like:

And this is what Perry the Platypus looks like on a pumpkin, Grace's version:

Later on, Grace came up to me and insisted I come look at her pumpkin.  Now that she had put a votive candle in it, it really looked like Perry.

Bless you, child, for being so confident.   

Precious Faces

I just love receiving updates from the village in Kenya.  The village director recently sent me some photos and an update on the latest happenings in the village.  The biggest news being that they recently received a container of supplies and goods from the Home Office.  Yeen-Lan wrote:

"On 19 July, a gigantic crane offloaded a 26,000-pound container onto the Village grounds. The children had never seen the mechanical bird in their lives. They held their breath, not sure if the chains would snap and the container would go into free fall. Several of them clasped their hands in silent prayer. We took the opportunity to have a Science lesson on mechanics.

The children's rumour mill had been churning. "Mrs. Jensen is sending some American kids to be our friends." When the container sat nicely on the ground, they raced towards it, hoping to see new friends walk out from the container!

No, Mrs. Jensen did not send any American kids in the container. It was filled with wonderful supplies of books, Bibles, hymnals, a keyboard, soccer balls, science lab equipment, stock pot cooker, dishwasher, clothing, soft toys, toothbrushes, tooth paste, art and craft materials..."

In the photo below, the little boy on the right with a goofy expression is probably a familiar face to some.  You may remember Johnson and my life-saving intervention.  He is clearly doing well since that escapade.

Joke of the Day

In light of my brother's recent wedding - all I can say is thank goodness this didn't happen:

A couple was arranging for their wedding, and asked the bakery to inscribe the wedding cake with "1 John 4:18" which reads "There is no fear in love, but perfect love casts out fear."

The bakery evidently lost, smudged or otherwise misread the noted reference, and beautifully inscribed on the cake "John 4:18" ...

"for you have had five husbands, and the man you have now is not your husband."

In Two Days

In two days, my brother will stand in front of friends and family make a covenant with the woman he loves.

In two days, my brother will slip a ring on Megan's finger and vow to love her until his dying breath.

In two days, my brother will make a decision that will forever change his life.

In two days, my brother will stand before a holy and gracious God and pledge he will honor and cherish the King's daughter with every fiber of his being, no matter the cost.

It's a hefty decision.  Apart from accepting Christ, I'd say it's the most important decision a person can ever make in his or her lifetime.   

But you know what's really mind-boggling about those moments?  They are mere reflections.  Mere reflections of what Christ desires for His Church, his own bride.  But you know what I also really love about those moments?  It reminds me that God is for us.  He is for marriage.  He is for purity.  He is for covenant relationships.  He is in favor of those things that ultimately reflect Him.

One of the poems that I absolutely love is called "Dear Bride to Be" by Beth Moore.  I don't know where I first encountered it, but I think I have given a copy of it to nearly every friend I have that has recently gotten married.  In my mind, it captures God's deepest desires for our marriages.

Josh and Megan - this is my prayer for you.

Come to Me, dear bride to be
And kneel before My throne,
And I will share My heart with you
And make your house a home.
Listen well, lean closely,
There are secrets at My feet.
The marriage you will soon begin
This Bridegroom will complete.
The man with whom you’ll journey
Is your wedding gift from me
To teach you things beyond this world,
A precious mystery.
For through your union I will choose to teach you of myself
Let him hold you tightly
and keep you safe from harm
until I’ll one day hold you in my everlasting arms.
Let him wipe away your tears
and trust him with your pain
until I wipe them all away and heaven is your gain.
Pray to love his tender touch and want his gentle kiss.
I grant you both my blessing
and ask you not to miss
the reason why I have chosen for two halves to become one
That you might see the Bride of Christ,
sweet daughter, dear son.
So make his home a refuge, he’s to love you as I do
Until your mansion is complete for you
And if I should choose to leave you here when I call him home Trust me, I’ll be your husband then, you’ll never be alone. 

Captured Moments

It would be easy to drown in sadness on days like this.  This day 10 years ago is etched into the subconscious of our lives, both as individuals and as a nation.  It's easy to lose sight of a lot when tragedy strikes.  The pastor this morning spoke about that very thing - what do you do in the face of tragedy?  How do you invite God into those moments and not lose hope when it seems "hope has grown legs and run off"?

In the midst of such thoughts has come an overwhelming sense of gratitude.  Not just for the good things in life, but for the hard things, too.  I have a lot for which to be grateful, and I was reminded of that as I scrolled through some photos my friend snapped Labor Day weekend.  My sweet friend Kristen was in town for the weekend - we hadn't seen each other in four years, but throughout that time we still managed to talk about once a week.  She's a photo fanatic so to say she took a few pictures would be an understatement.  Try close to 500.  But of those hundreds, I could see in each something to be grateful for. 

Friendships

I think small pieces of my life and my heart have been coming back to me in recent weeks, primarily in the form of friendships.  Alex returned from Germany after being gone for 6 weeks.  Kristen visited after 4 years.  Joy moved back to Ohio with her husband after living in Washington for nearly 5 years.  Jill finally caught her breath and stopped in one place long enough to sit down and have dinner with me.  Such sweet parts of my life.  Women that I'm so grateful for.  And then Nick entered my life - that one's definitely taking some getting used to.  Attaching the word "boyfriend" to someone in regard to me is a very foreign concept.  But his presence is appreciated probably more than he could fully understand.  And it's not just those people solely that have been reminders - I have co-workers and former colleagues that get added to the list of friendships to be grateful for.

 The details

Then there are the details.  I'm learning more and more about the little things that make a big difference, the value of not overlooking the small and the mundane.  Kristen and I decided to go out on a limb and do a photo shoot of me in this old prom dress I have.  We basically went around our house and farm and snapped photos of whatever we thought would look good.  I told her I wanted a picture of me with my pony, Bud - but just of our feet.  So here we are in my houndstooth-print rain boots and prom dress with Bud's little feet next to mine.  It reminds me of the details because it's just a smaller piece of a bigger whole.  I need to be reminded of that perspective more often.

Family   

Families will forever be dysfunctional in some way, shape, or form in my book.  I had never seen the movie Little Miss Sunshine before until a month or so ago.  I spent more time laughing during that movie than I had in awhile - because splashed on the TV were tiny glimmers and reflections of my own family.  I often sit back and tell myself, "We are so not normal.  And I love it."  Somehow we still manage to embrace family and all that it is.  I snapped this photo of my niece while we were visiting my brother's family one night.  I think it is one of the most precious photos of her because I caught it at just the right moment when she had this particular look on her face.  I'm not sure what word I would use to describe it, but I love it either way. 



New Favorite

So, I may have discovered my new favorite design technique that I will probably use more than a normal person should.  Erica sent me this link the other day from Pinterest and I immediately fell in love with the idea.

You basically paint your nails a base color, dip them in some rubbing alcohol, plaster some newspaper on them, peel it off, and voila!    Love it!