I am just crying my eyes out over this blog post by Melissa Moore Fitzpatrick (Beth Moore's daughter) and think you all need to read it. Oh, how it makes me long even more so to go to Africa. To see the people and to meet the needs and to be the hands and feet of Jesus to someone I've never met.
5.05.2009
Day 5
Things to do when you have no T.V., internet, or music to listen to:
1.) Defrost your freezer so you can pack more pizza and frozen dinners into it
2.) Work on your budget and set aside money as necessary so that you can actually afford to eat when the dining hall is no longer open
3.) Read books like Distracted by Maggie Jackson (ironic, yes, that I'm reading a book about being distracted)
4.) Send notes to friends and family that you haven't talked to in awhile
5.) Dream of a trip to Africa and how many more shots you are going to have to get before you go
6.) Finish at least one USAToday crossword puzzle - a good dictionary is helpful
7.) Stare at the ceiling
8.) Stare out the window
9.) Stare at the floor and realize how bad you need to vacuum it. But wait - that's right - you don't have a vacuum
10.) Fix things in your apartment, like shower doors and kitchen cupboards
11.) Talk to God
12.) Read Oswald Chamber's My Utmost for His Highest
13.) Figure out where the best place is on the lake to put a kayak in the water
14.) Bake cupcakes, but only the funfetti kind
15.) Plot out what recipes you are going to make for the summer
16.) Ponder where you want to be in 5 years
17.) Journal - from the simple details to the deeper thoughts like why I can't understand boys
18.) Eat the cupcakes you just baked
19.) Stare at the paintings on your wall and pick apart all the things you think you should change about them
20.) Talk to God some more
1.) Defrost your freezer so you can pack more pizza and frozen dinners into it
2.) Work on your budget and set aside money as necessary so that you can actually afford to eat when the dining hall is no longer open
3.) Read books like Distracted by Maggie Jackson (ironic, yes, that I'm reading a book about being distracted)
4.) Send notes to friends and family that you haven't talked to in awhile
5.) Dream of a trip to Africa and how many more shots you are going to have to get before you go
6.) Finish at least one USAToday crossword puzzle - a good dictionary is helpful
7.) Stare at the ceiling
8.) Stare out the window
9.) Stare at the floor and realize how bad you need to vacuum it. But wait - that's right - you don't have a vacuum
10.) Fix things in your apartment, like shower doors and kitchen cupboards
11.) Talk to God
12.) Read Oswald Chamber's My Utmost for His Highest
13.) Figure out where the best place is on the lake to put a kayak in the water
14.) Bake cupcakes, but only the funfetti kind
15.) Plot out what recipes you are going to make for the summer
16.) Ponder where you want to be in 5 years
17.) Journal - from the simple details to the deeper thoughts like why I can't understand boys
18.) Eat the cupcakes you just baked
19.) Stare at the paintings on your wall and pick apart all the things you think you should change about them
20.) Talk to God some more
5.02.2009
Day 1
Well, yesterday kicked off the first big day of silence. It was a rather interesting sort of day, as there is a new awareness of the affects (effects? I still have never fully grasped the difference) that silence has on me. I came home from work with plans to put the TV away in the closest and basically clean the place up a bit. I was actually feeling rather energized by the whole idea - I think I thrive a great deal on change and always seem to look forward to it.
So, away went the TV into the closest. I had already packed up my all my music and movies and put those in the closet as well. The only music I left out was a few worship and instrumental CDs I had. After all that disappeared I realized how much space I now I had to work with since there was no longer a TV and TV stand taking it up! I rearranged my furniture and flopped down on the couch and realized how much I'm going to love this little adventure. (And then my back started yelling at me and I was reminded that I shouldn't move furniture that often unless I find some kind of sick happiness by being in chronic pain.)
Apart from the basics, there was this rather terrifying moment I had later on that night. As I've mentioned before, this isn't about taking a hiatus from Facebook, music, TV, etc. just for the sake of taking a hiatus. I've realized over the course of the past several months that certain areas of my life had become somewhat of a mess, mainly my personal relationship with the Lord - and that needed to change. So, it's ultimately readjusting my focus, placing it once again on the One person who should always have my attention - Jesus Christ.
Anyway - all that to say, when I sat down on the couch last night with my Bible, I just kept staring at it, but not opening it. I'd run my thumbs over the gilded edges, listening to the soft flicker of the pages, but still not crack wide the spine of the book. Then it dawned on me: I am absolutely terrified of what I will find on its pages. Because deep down, I ultimately know that the words found on the pages of Scripture are all about change. You can't read such a book and not be changed. You can't read the words of God speaking to his people and not be changed. Your heart is eventually going to crack. And then melt. And then be reshaped. And that's what scares me. So while I might be energized by change more often than not, the times when I'm not, I'm paralyzed by it.
But I finally flipped open, not having a clue where to begin. I managed to find my way to the pages of Isaiah, beginning at chapter 1. I read through the first chapter, but went back and stopped at verses 16 and 17. "Wash and make yourselves clean. Take your evil deeds out of my sight! Stop doing wrong, learn to do right!" What struck me most about these verses was the phrase stop doing wrong, learn to do right. You see, there are certain bad habits that we have just got to STOP. Now. No questions asked. Just quit. We can walk away from wrong in a moment. But doing what is right? Ahhhh, there's the hard part - that must be learned. As human beings, we have a penchant for doing what is wrong. We have a sinful nature in us that naturally gravitates toward that which is wrong or immoral. But learning to do what is right implies time and process. Learning to do what is right implies a series of events that eventually bring us to where we need to be. Learning to do what is right implies that wrongs will be made so that we know better what is right. Learning to do what is right doesn't happen over night.
And that's what frustates us. That's what frustrates me. I want to do what is right now. I don't want to have to go through the agony of making mistakes and hurting myself or grieving the heart of God. I want to wave my magic wand and just do whatever it is that I need to do.
But what is right? Well, the overly simplified answer to that is whatever God does is right. Psalm 31:1 says "Save me, for you do what is right." But that's pretty all-encompassing and doesn't really give us tangibles. Tucked away in the pages of the Bible, though, in a book that isn't accessed that often is this gem of a verse in Micah: The LORD God has told us what is right and what he demands: "See that justice is done, let mercy be your first concern, and humbly obey your God." I also love how the Message version words it: But he's already made it plain how to live, what to do, what God is looking for in men and women. It's quite simple: Do what is fair and just to your neighbor, be compassionate and loyal in your love, and don't take yourself too seriously— take God seriously."
That's what doing right is, at least a part of it. We've got set our sights on God if we have any hopes of doing what is right and humbly obeying him.
So, away went the TV into the closest. I had already packed up my all my music and movies and put those in the closet as well. The only music I left out was a few worship and instrumental CDs I had. After all that disappeared I realized how much space I now I had to work with since there was no longer a TV and TV stand taking it up! I rearranged my furniture and flopped down on the couch and realized how much I'm going to love this little adventure. (And then my back started yelling at me and I was reminded that I shouldn't move furniture that often unless I find some kind of sick happiness by being in chronic pain.)
Apart from the basics, there was this rather terrifying moment I had later on that night. As I've mentioned before, this isn't about taking a hiatus from Facebook, music, TV, etc. just for the sake of taking a hiatus. I've realized over the course of the past several months that certain areas of my life had become somewhat of a mess, mainly my personal relationship with the Lord - and that needed to change. So, it's ultimately readjusting my focus, placing it once again on the One person who should always have my attention - Jesus Christ.
Anyway - all that to say, when I sat down on the couch last night with my Bible, I just kept staring at it, but not opening it. I'd run my thumbs over the gilded edges, listening to the soft flicker of the pages, but still not crack wide the spine of the book. Then it dawned on me: I am absolutely terrified of what I will find on its pages. Because deep down, I ultimately know that the words found on the pages of Scripture are all about change. You can't read such a book and not be changed. You can't read the words of God speaking to his people and not be changed. Your heart is eventually going to crack. And then melt. And then be reshaped. And that's what scares me. So while I might be energized by change more often than not, the times when I'm not, I'm paralyzed by it.
But I finally flipped open, not having a clue where to begin. I managed to find my way to the pages of Isaiah, beginning at chapter 1. I read through the first chapter, but went back and stopped at verses 16 and 17. "Wash and make yourselves clean. Take your evil deeds out of my sight! Stop doing wrong, learn to do right!" What struck me most about these verses was the phrase stop doing wrong, learn to do right. You see, there are certain bad habits that we have just got to STOP. Now. No questions asked. Just quit. We can walk away from wrong in a moment. But doing what is right? Ahhhh, there's the hard part - that must be learned. As human beings, we have a penchant for doing what is wrong. We have a sinful nature in us that naturally gravitates toward that which is wrong or immoral. But learning to do what is right implies time and process. Learning to do what is right implies a series of events that eventually bring us to where we need to be. Learning to do what is right implies that wrongs will be made so that we know better what is right. Learning to do what is right doesn't happen over night.
And that's what frustates us. That's what frustrates me. I want to do what is right now. I don't want to have to go through the agony of making mistakes and hurting myself or grieving the heart of God. I want to wave my magic wand and just do whatever it is that I need to do.
But what is right? Well, the overly simplified answer to that is whatever God does is right. Psalm 31:1 says "Save me, for you do what is right." But that's pretty all-encompassing and doesn't really give us tangibles. Tucked away in the pages of the Bible, though, in a book that isn't accessed that often is this gem of a verse in Micah: The LORD God has told us what is right and what he demands: "See that justice is done, let mercy be your first concern, and humbly obey your God." I also love how the Message version words it: But he's already made it plain how to live, what to do, what God is looking for in men and women. It's quite simple: Do what is fair and just to your neighbor, be compassionate and loyal in your love, and don't take yourself too seriously— take God seriously."
That's what doing right is, at least a part of it. We've got set our sights on God if we have any hopes of doing what is right and humbly obeying him.
4.27.2009
Summer of Silence
So the countdown begins. I think I should spend a little time clarifying some things about what I'll be up to this summer as I've had a few people ask me about it. There are several key things I want to touch on as to what I'll be doing and why:
1.) If you read the previous posts, you'll read that this summer I'm going to change things up a bit and do something that most people would think is crazy - and maybe unnecessary. But my philosophy is that sometimes in life, you gotta go off the deep end every now and then if you want to see anything change. So, I decided awhile back that I was going to put my TV away, giving my password to Facebook to my friend so she could change, and basically cut a lot of distractions out of my life. Why? Because somewhere along the way I realized that my personal relationship with the Lord has suffered a great deal - he's taken a backseat to the other things that so often vie for my attention. I ultimately decided on the following parameters:
a. No Facebook
b. No T.V.
c. attempt not to have my phone attached to my hip all the time.
d. not listen to music while at work or in the car, but still allowing for worship music and audio sermons
2.) Here's what this summer is NOT about: legalism and a list of do's and don'ts. This isn't about staying away from certain bad things and striving to do certain good things. I really appreciated what my friend, Alex, said to me last night while chatting on the phone. She referenced Romans 12:2, which says, "Do not conform any longer to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God's will is—his good, pleasing and perfect will." You see, this isn't just getting rid of distractions for the sake of getting rid of distractions. It's about putting my focus where it needs to be - and that is on the Lord. So, it's about not conforming - but I'll fail miserably if I miss the second part, which is about being transformed by the renewing of my mind. That's what I want to see change this summer. My mind and my heart need to be renewed. And TV and Facebook and phones and music and all the other noise that we surround ourselves with often stands in the way of that happening.
3.) I have to be careful of my expectations, careful of what I expect God to do this summer. Am I expecting Him to move in specific ways and at specific times or am I holding loosely to whatever He may have for me? Alex brought up another good point - what if this is a summer where God is silent, too? What then will I do? Will I get upset when I don't seem to hear answers from the heavens above or will I get resentful when I don't seem to see him working in my life? No. I've been through too many seasons with God when it seemed he wasn't working at all, when in fact he was doing tremendous works in my life! I just couldn't see that at the time. Beth Moore said once, "Our faith cannot be based on WHAT God does - rather it must be based on WHO He is." We lose sight of so many things when we focus on what God is or is not doing, rather than staying focused on His character, which is unchanging.
4.) Please don't think you can't get in touch with me just because I'm not on Facebook! Call me or e-mail me if you want to chat as I will still have access to those things. Leave comments here as I would love to read people's thoughts on how things progress this summer. You can even tell me I'm crazy if you want!
5.) This summer will definitely be a time to set aside time and pray about several key things, one of which includes plans to go to Africa next summer. Couple other things I'll be focusing on is a possible plan that my sorority big sister asked me about, as well as a possible leadership role I was approached about. They are each things that could play significant roles in my life and proper attention needs to be given to them.
Those are most of the key things I wanted to point out. Like I said, I know some people will think I'm crazy and that's okay - I've done crazier things. I've just learned a thing or two along the way when it comes to your faith and your walk with the Lord - sometimes you've got to be willing to do whatever it takes.
1.) If you read the previous posts, you'll read that this summer I'm going to change things up a bit and do something that most people would think is crazy - and maybe unnecessary. But my philosophy is that sometimes in life, you gotta go off the deep end every now and then if you want to see anything change. So, I decided awhile back that I was going to put my TV away, giving my password to Facebook to my friend so she could change, and basically cut a lot of distractions out of my life. Why? Because somewhere along the way I realized that my personal relationship with the Lord has suffered a great deal - he's taken a backseat to the other things that so often vie for my attention. I ultimately decided on the following parameters:
a. No Facebook
b. No T.V.
c. attempt not to have my phone attached to my hip all the time.
d. not listen to music while at work or in the car, but still allowing for worship music and audio sermons
2.) Here's what this summer is NOT about: legalism and a list of do's and don'ts. This isn't about staying away from certain bad things and striving to do certain good things. I really appreciated what my friend, Alex, said to me last night while chatting on the phone. She referenced Romans 12:2, which says, "Do not conform any longer to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God's will is—his good, pleasing and perfect will." You see, this isn't just getting rid of distractions for the sake of getting rid of distractions. It's about putting my focus where it needs to be - and that is on the Lord. So, it's about not conforming - but I'll fail miserably if I miss the second part, which is about being transformed by the renewing of my mind. That's what I want to see change this summer. My mind and my heart need to be renewed. And TV and Facebook and phones and music and all the other noise that we surround ourselves with often stands in the way of that happening.
3.) I have to be careful of my expectations, careful of what I expect God to do this summer. Am I expecting Him to move in specific ways and at specific times or am I holding loosely to whatever He may have for me? Alex brought up another good point - what if this is a summer where God is silent, too? What then will I do? Will I get upset when I don't seem to hear answers from the heavens above or will I get resentful when I don't seem to see him working in my life? No. I've been through too many seasons with God when it seemed he wasn't working at all, when in fact he was doing tremendous works in my life! I just couldn't see that at the time. Beth Moore said once, "Our faith cannot be based on WHAT God does - rather it must be based on WHO He is." We lose sight of so many things when we focus on what God is or is not doing, rather than staying focused on His character, which is unchanging.
4.) Please don't think you can't get in touch with me just because I'm not on Facebook! Call me or e-mail me if you want to chat as I will still have access to those things. Leave comments here as I would love to read people's thoughts on how things progress this summer. You can even tell me I'm crazy if you want!
5.) This summer will definitely be a time to set aside time and pray about several key things, one of which includes plans to go to Africa next summer. Couple other things I'll be focusing on is a possible plan that my sorority big sister asked me about, as well as a possible leadership role I was approached about. They are each things that could play significant roles in my life and proper attention needs to be given to them.
Those are most of the key things I wanted to point out. Like I said, I know some people will think I'm crazy and that's okay - I've done crazier things. I've just learned a thing or two along the way when it comes to your faith and your walk with the Lord - sometimes you've got to be willing to do whatever it takes.
4.16.2009
Stuff Christians Like
I thought this was a pretty awesome post and wanted to pass along. It's from http://stuffchristianslike.blogspot.com:
I don't want to brag, but I'm pretty awesome at applying band-aids. And make no mistake, there is an art. Because if you go too quickly and unpeel them the wrong way, they stick to themselves and you end up with a wadded up useless mess instead of the Little Mermaid festooned bandage your daughter so desperately wants to apply to a boo boo that may in fact be 100% fictional.
Half of the injuries I treat at the Acuff house are invisible or simply wounds of sympathy. My oldest daughter will scrape her knee and my 3-year old, realizing the band aid box is open will say, "Yo dad, I'd like to get in on that too. What do you say we put one on, I don't know, my ankle. Yeah, my ankle, let's pretend that's hurt."
But sometimes the cuts are real, like the day my 5-year old got a scrape on her face playing in the front yard. I rushed in the house and returned with a princess bandage. As I bent down to apply it to her forehead, her eyes filled up with tears and she shrunk back from me.
"What's wrong?" I asked.
"I don't want to wear that band-aid." She replied.
"Why? You have a cut, you need a band-aid." I said.
"I'll look silly." She answered.
Other than her sister and her mom, there was no one else in the yard. None of her friends were over, cars were not streaming passed our house and watching us play, the world was pretty empty at that moment. But for the first time I can remember, she felt shame. She had discovered shame. Somewhere, some how, this little 5 year old had learned to be afraid of looking silly. If I was smarter, if I had been better prepared for the transition from little toddler to little girl, I might have asked her this:
"Who told you that you were silly?"
I didn't though. That question didn't bloom in my head until much later and I didn't understand it until I saw God ask a similar question in Genesis 3:11. To me, this is one of the saddest and most profoundly beautiful verses in the entire Bible. Adam and Eve have fallen. The apple is a core. The snake has spoken. The dream appears crushed. As they hide from God under clothes they've hastily sewn together, He appears and asks them a simple question:
"Who told you that you were naked?"
There is hurt in God's voice as He asks this question, but there is also a deep sadness, the sense of a father holding a daughter that has for the first time ever, wrapped herself in shame.
Who told you that you were not enough?
Who told you that I didn't love you?
Who told you that there was something outside of me you needed?
Who told you that you were ugly?
Who told you that your dream was foolish?
Who told you that you would never have a child?
Who told you that you would never be a father?
Who told you that you weren't a good mother?
Who told you that without a job you aren't worth anything?
Who told you that you'll never know love again?
Who told you that this was all there is?
Who told you that you were naked?
I don't know when you discovered shame. I don’t know when you discovered that there were people that might think you are silly or dumb or not a good writer or a husband or a friend. I don't know what lies you've been told by other people or maybe even by yourself.
But in response to what you are hearing from everyone else, God is still asking the question,
"Who told you that you were naked?"
And He's still asking us that question because we are not.
In Christ we are not worthless.
In Christ we are not hopeless.
In Christ we are not dumb or ugly or forgotten.
In Christ we are not naked.
Isaiah 61:10 it says:For he has clothed me with garments of salvation and arrayed me in a robe
of righteousness.
The world may try to tell you a thousand different things today. You might close this post and hear a million declarations of what you are or who you'll always be, but know this.
As unbelievable as it sounds and as much as I never expected to type this sentence on this blog:
You are not naked.
I don't want to brag, but I'm pretty awesome at applying band-aids. And make no mistake, there is an art. Because if you go too quickly and unpeel them the wrong way, they stick to themselves and you end up with a wadded up useless mess instead of the Little Mermaid festooned bandage your daughter so desperately wants to apply to a boo boo that may in fact be 100% fictional.
Half of the injuries I treat at the Acuff house are invisible or simply wounds of sympathy. My oldest daughter will scrape her knee and my 3-year old, realizing the band aid box is open will say, "Yo dad, I'd like to get in on that too. What do you say we put one on, I don't know, my ankle. Yeah, my ankle, let's pretend that's hurt."
But sometimes the cuts are real, like the day my 5-year old got a scrape on her face playing in the front yard. I rushed in the house and returned with a princess bandage. As I bent down to apply it to her forehead, her eyes filled up with tears and she shrunk back from me.
"What's wrong?" I asked.
"I don't want to wear that band-aid." She replied.
"Why? You have a cut, you need a band-aid." I said.
"I'll look silly." She answered.
Other than her sister and her mom, there was no one else in the yard. None of her friends were over, cars were not streaming passed our house and watching us play, the world was pretty empty at that moment. But for the first time I can remember, she felt shame. She had discovered shame. Somewhere, some how, this little 5 year old had learned to be afraid of looking silly. If I was smarter, if I had been better prepared for the transition from little toddler to little girl, I might have asked her this:
"Who told you that you were silly?"
I didn't though. That question didn't bloom in my head until much later and I didn't understand it until I saw God ask a similar question in Genesis 3:11. To me, this is one of the saddest and most profoundly beautiful verses in the entire Bible. Adam and Eve have fallen. The apple is a core. The snake has spoken. The dream appears crushed. As they hide from God under clothes they've hastily sewn together, He appears and asks them a simple question:
"Who told you that you were naked?"
There is hurt in God's voice as He asks this question, but there is also a deep sadness, the sense of a father holding a daughter that has for the first time ever, wrapped herself in shame.
Who told you that you were not enough?
Who told you that I didn't love you?
Who told you that there was something outside of me you needed?
Who told you that you were ugly?
Who told you that your dream was foolish?
Who told you that you would never have a child?
Who told you that you would never be a father?
Who told you that you weren't a good mother?
Who told you that without a job you aren't worth anything?
Who told you that you'll never know love again?
Who told you that this was all there is?
Who told you that you were naked?
I don't know when you discovered shame. I don’t know when you discovered that there were people that might think you are silly or dumb or not a good writer or a husband or a friend. I don't know what lies you've been told by other people or maybe even by yourself.
But in response to what you are hearing from everyone else, God is still asking the question,
"Who told you that you were naked?"
And He's still asking us that question because we are not.
In Christ we are not worthless.
In Christ we are not hopeless.
In Christ we are not dumb or ugly or forgotten.
In Christ we are not naked.
Isaiah 61:10 it says:For he has clothed me with garments of salvation and arrayed me in a robe
of righteousness.
The world may try to tell you a thousand different things today. You might close this post and hear a million declarations of what you are or who you'll always be, but know this.
As unbelievable as it sounds and as much as I never expected to type this sentence on this blog:
You are not naked.
4.05.2009
Holding on to the End of the Rope
Ahhh. What a mess we find ourselves in sometimes as followers of Christ. Some days I wake up and I think, "I want whatever it is you want for me, Lord," but then other days I think, "Following God is just too hard and I'm tired of trying to make it all work." I've been back in Ohio for the weekend for a few days to see my family and to catch up with friends, and I always make a point to head to Lifepoint, the church I attended while I was still living here. That church has been such a blessing in my life and I greatly appreciate the pastor's teaching.
This morning he happened to be talking about the triumphal entry of Jesus into Jerusalem and then the subsequent instance in which Jesus overturns the tables in the temple. Pastor Brad made a point to ask whether we fit Jesus into our lives or whether we fit our lives into Jesus. I think the point that struck me the most was when he asked, "Have we reached a point where we say enough, You can go no further?" Meaning, have we reached a point in our spiritual lives where we have just enough of Jesus to get the benefits of him, but still not have it cost us much or have us make much of a sacrifice for him? I think the answer to that question for me is "yes." I think I told God awhile ago "enough already." And I hate that that is my response, especially knowing the history that I have with God. We have walked down some very dark roads together and climbed some pretty high mountains - and despite whatever pain or sadness or joy may have come along with those seasons, I always came out on the other side of them more and more like Him. So why is it now that I'm so leary of that? Why is it now that I'm terrified to ask God any kind of question for fear of what his answer will be? Why me - the girl who was so sure and so confident of her God and his plans for her? And now - I feel as though I'm a fraud in terms of my faith, wondering where it is that I took a wrong step.
But still managing somehow to hang on to the end of that rope. I will say that much - after walking through so many seasons, tenacity is one thing I learned along the way, to always hold on, even when you don't feel like it. Because God is always worth hanging on to, even when my emotions or thoughts may say otherwise. Even when I feel apathetic or indifferent toward my faith, I know deep down that God will always be a God worth following. I don't want to keep saying to God, "Enough - I can't take it anymore." I don't want to live like that, living as though I'm living on the outer fringes of my faith. I've tasted and I've seen and I know there is more and I know there is better for me.
And so for now, I keep pressing on, even when I may not understand. Even when I'm just like what Paul says in Romans 7:
15I do not understand what I do. For what I want to do I do not do, but what I hate I do.
16And if I do what I do not want to do, I agree that the law is good.
17As it is, it is no longer I myself who do it, but it is sin living in me.
18I know that nothing good lives in me, that is, in my sinful nature. For I have the desire to do what is good, but I cannot carry it out.
19For what I do is not the good I want to do; no, the evil I do not want to do—this I keep on doing.
20Now if I do what I do not want to do, it is no longer I who do it, but it is sin living in me that does it.
21So I find this law at work: When I want to do good, evil is right there with me.
22For in my inner being I delight in God's law;
23but I see another law at work in the members of my body, waging war against the law of my mind and making me a prisoner of the law of sin at work within my members.
24What a wretched man I am! Who will rescue me from this body of death?
25Thanks be to God—through Jesus Christ our Lord!
This morning he happened to be talking about the triumphal entry of Jesus into Jerusalem and then the subsequent instance in which Jesus overturns the tables in the temple. Pastor Brad made a point to ask whether we fit Jesus into our lives or whether we fit our lives into Jesus. I think the point that struck me the most was when he asked, "Have we reached a point where we say enough, You can go no further?" Meaning, have we reached a point in our spiritual lives where we have just enough of Jesus to get the benefits of him, but still not have it cost us much or have us make much of a sacrifice for him? I think the answer to that question for me is "yes." I think I told God awhile ago "enough already." And I hate that that is my response, especially knowing the history that I have with God. We have walked down some very dark roads together and climbed some pretty high mountains - and despite whatever pain or sadness or joy may have come along with those seasons, I always came out on the other side of them more and more like Him. So why is it now that I'm so leary of that? Why is it now that I'm terrified to ask God any kind of question for fear of what his answer will be? Why me - the girl who was so sure and so confident of her God and his plans for her? And now - I feel as though I'm a fraud in terms of my faith, wondering where it is that I took a wrong step.
But still managing somehow to hang on to the end of that rope. I will say that much - after walking through so many seasons, tenacity is one thing I learned along the way, to always hold on, even when you don't feel like it. Because God is always worth hanging on to, even when my emotions or thoughts may say otherwise. Even when I feel apathetic or indifferent toward my faith, I know deep down that God will always be a God worth following. I don't want to keep saying to God, "Enough - I can't take it anymore." I don't want to live like that, living as though I'm living on the outer fringes of my faith. I've tasted and I've seen and I know there is more and I know there is better for me.
And so for now, I keep pressing on, even when I may not understand. Even when I'm just like what Paul says in Romans 7:
15I do not understand what I do. For what I want to do I do not do, but what I hate I do.
16And if I do what I do not want to do, I agree that the law is good.
17As it is, it is no longer I myself who do it, but it is sin living in me.
18I know that nothing good lives in me, that is, in my sinful nature. For I have the desire to do what is good, but I cannot carry it out.
19For what I do is not the good I want to do; no, the evil I do not want to do—this I keep on doing.
20Now if I do what I do not want to do, it is no longer I who do it, but it is sin living in me that does it.
21So I find this law at work: When I want to do good, evil is right there with me.
22For in my inner being I delight in God's law;
23but I see another law at work in the members of my body, waging war against the law of my mind and making me a prisoner of the law of sin at work within my members.
24What a wretched man I am! Who will rescue me from this body of death?
25Thanks be to God—through Jesus Christ our Lord!
3.25.2009
Avoiding God
It dawned on me yesterday as I was cleaning my apartment that I've been avoiding God for quite some time. And by "quite some time," I mean years. A series of things led me to that conclusion. If you've read my last post, you'll know what I'll be up to this summer - eliminating noise and distractions because it has become such a hindrance in so many areas of my life. And so there have been the occasional days here recently that I won't turn on the TV or listen to music while I'm bumming around my apartment. I had big plans to go to Kansas this weekend to visit a museum I've been wanting to see (www.safarimuseum.com) but thanks to this ridiculous snow and rain we got, the plans got scrapped, which left me in my apartment all day with nothing to do.
So, I decided to fix some of the things in my apartment that had been bothering me. I had left the TV off for most of the day and had been enjoying the silence. I began to think about what I would be doing next after cleaning. I had just picked up a stack of books at the local library's book sale and so I had 8 or 9 books awaiting my attention. So, I thougth about which one I would read first. But as I'm thinking about all that, it dawns on me that here I am with all this free time, time that I could be using to read my Bible or work on my Beth Moore study and yet I'm consciously choosing not to. I, then, too, fast forward to what this summer will look like because the whole point of getting rid of the technology in my life is to focus my heart and mind on God, but yet here I am in these "pre-experiment" days and all it's turning out to be is an experiment in exercising self-control and legalism rather than what I had really intentioned - turning my heart to focus on God. I think of Psalm 86:11, which says, "Train me, God, to walk straight; then I'll follow your true path. Put me together, one heart and mind; then, undivided, I'll worship in joyful fear." That's the ultimate result I want this sumer to be about - not just living in silence, but using that silence as a means to worship him in joyful fear.
All of this to say - hopefully I'm making sense as I go - that I realized that for quite some time now I have been avoiding having conversations with God - avoiding prayer, avoiding asking God about my next steps in life, avoiding reading his Word, etc. Even when I was in church this morning, I was thinking about it some more, trying to trace back over the timeline of my life to when I really started to keep my distance from God. And I think it came my junior year of college and the summer after when a series of events happened that really forced me beyond my comfort zone and really caused me to lean hard on God. I had to let go of a particular relationship and I was also heading overseas for about 7 weeks, both of which took a toll. And at the time, I thought I was okay with everything. I really was trusting God with it all and was continually being led by the Holy Spirit through it all, seeking his guidance.
But then after that spring and summer, in hindsight I realize how much my relationship with God changed. And as I sit here today, I wonder - was I kidding myself back then about really trusting God? Have I somehow really resented God all along about those particular incidences that happened and just haven't acknowledged it? Did those events cause me to really distrust God with what was before me because I think they came with such a hefty price? I realized, too, that my awareness of the Holy Spirit's work in my life changed a lot after all that. I stopped asking God questions because the answers I had been getting for so long were causing me pain and maybe somewhere along the way I started to think that God was asking too much of me. So, I stopped going to him with my questions because quite frankly, I didn't want the answers anymore.
It's been a startling question, one I think had crossed my mind before but I don't know that I've ever been honest with myself before - am I avoiding God certain areas of my life? In all my life?
Are you?
So, I decided to fix some of the things in my apartment that had been bothering me. I had left the TV off for most of the day and had been enjoying the silence. I began to think about what I would be doing next after cleaning. I had just picked up a stack of books at the local library's book sale and so I had 8 or 9 books awaiting my attention. So, I thougth about which one I would read first. But as I'm thinking about all that, it dawns on me that here I am with all this free time, time that I could be using to read my Bible or work on my Beth Moore study and yet I'm consciously choosing not to. I, then, too, fast forward to what this summer will look like because the whole point of getting rid of the technology in my life is to focus my heart and mind on God, but yet here I am in these "pre-experiment" days and all it's turning out to be is an experiment in exercising self-control and legalism rather than what I had really intentioned - turning my heart to focus on God. I think of Psalm 86:11, which says, "Train me, God, to walk straight; then I'll follow your true path. Put me together, one heart and mind; then, undivided, I'll worship in joyful fear." That's the ultimate result I want this sumer to be about - not just living in silence, but using that silence as a means to worship him in joyful fear.
All of this to say - hopefully I'm making sense as I go - that I realized that for quite some time now I have been avoiding having conversations with God - avoiding prayer, avoiding asking God about my next steps in life, avoiding reading his Word, etc. Even when I was in church this morning, I was thinking about it some more, trying to trace back over the timeline of my life to when I really started to keep my distance from God. And I think it came my junior year of college and the summer after when a series of events happened that really forced me beyond my comfort zone and really caused me to lean hard on God. I had to let go of a particular relationship and I was also heading overseas for about 7 weeks, both of which took a toll. And at the time, I thought I was okay with everything. I really was trusting God with it all and was continually being led by the Holy Spirit through it all, seeking his guidance.
But then after that spring and summer, in hindsight I realize how much my relationship with God changed. And as I sit here today, I wonder - was I kidding myself back then about really trusting God? Have I somehow really resented God all along about those particular incidences that happened and just haven't acknowledged it? Did those events cause me to really distrust God with what was before me because I think they came with such a hefty price? I realized, too, that my awareness of the Holy Spirit's work in my life changed a lot after all that. I stopped asking God questions because the answers I had been getting for so long were causing me pain and maybe somewhere along the way I started to think that God was asking too much of me. So, I stopped going to him with my questions because quite frankly, I didn't want the answers anymore.
It's been a startling question, one I think had crossed my mind before but I don't know that I've ever been honest with myself before - am I avoiding God certain areas of my life? In all my life?
Are you?
3.14.2009
Summer of Silence
Why the title "Kierkegaard Experiment?" Well, a few weeks ago I was listening to a sermon on connecting with God in an over-connected world. I had been dwelling on that thought long before I heard this particular sermon, but it certainly reiterated so many things I had already been thinking. The pastor used the headline quote from Kierkegaard and I loved what it had to say.
As I mentioned, though, I had been thinking about the idea of just how distracted we are in the modern age. We have so many gadgets and so many things vying for our attention. We are starting to see the down falls of multi-tasking. Prime example - I recently sent this e-mail to some of my co-workers to state evidence supporting the idea:
I’ve come to the realization that there are certain behavioral tendencies that I have recently developed and I’ve noticed that these tendencies have only developed since moving back to Fulton and starting the Graduate Assistant (GA) position. Or it simply could be the generation in which I live multi-tasks like none other and thus we have a really hard time doing one thing at a time. Now the scary part to all of this is that I’m too young to be doing such things. So for a good morning laugh, please continue reading. Please understand that these are in no way made up or an exaggeration of events.
Evidence #1 of how the GA position has affected me:As some of you may have heard, I recently couldn’t find my phone. I checked the usual locations and then it dawned on me. I was on it, talking to my brother.
Evidence #2 of how the GA position has affected me:I was making copies the other day in Debbie’s office. I went to pull out some copies and my mind temporarily blanked out and thought to myself, “Neil – why did you print more copies??” Oh wait – that was me.
Evidence #3 of how the GA position has affected me:I was making my grocery list last night of things I need to get at Wal-mart. I, of course, was on the phone (and this time I knew I was). So, I jotted a few things down while I’m talking. This morning while I’m eating breakfast I go over the list again while I’m standing there and I realize that I wrote “shaving screams” instead of shaving cream.
Evidence #4 of how the GA position has affected me:Neil and I had a meeting the other day with all of the chapter presidents. A girl walked in and I thought, “She’s not a chapter president – what is she doing here??” I give Neil a weird look as the girl continues to find a seat and makes herself comfortable. About 30 seconds or so pass. Neil is still waiting for the lightning bolt to hit me. I’m still giving him a weird look. Then it dawns on me. Oh yes, she is from the marketing department and is going to talk to chapter presidents about updating Web sites, something about which I had received an e-mail that morning stating she would be there.
Evidence #5 of how the GA position has affected me: I was going to class the other night and I rode with one of my classmates in her car since we carpool. On the way back from class, I could not remember for the life of me where I had left my car, if it was still at my apartment or if I had driven it to the Dome.
Last but not least, Evidence #6 of how the GA position has affected me: My work day often includes prolonged moments of staring at my computer screen because I cannot remember what the heck I was just about to do or who I was getting ready to send an e-mail to.
Hopefully none of you suffer from such moments of insanity.
I write all of this to say that these distractions and these events are merely examples of how distractions and all the noise in my world have caused a great gulf to occur between God and I. And I've allowed it. I get consumed by other things to do, things I think are better things to do rather than sitting down and spending time in the Word. Better things to do than praying and focusing my heart on worship. I've developed an inability to concentrate or focus for any length of time without my thoughts wandering. It's become such a hindrance to my spiritual life and my relationship with God.
So, the experiment. Kierkegaard stated that we need to create silence if the gospel is to be heard at all, and I think that also means creating silence in our own lives if we are to hear the gospel on a personal level.
I've decided that starting May 1, I'm going to create silence.
I'm going to get rid of the distractions and the noise in my life by taking some very simple yet radical steps. My TV is going on my closet under a pile of stuff so that I can't get to it easily. So is my stereo/radio and my CD collection. My iPod is getting stashed in a drawer. My DVD collection will get stored somewhere too. The radio is going off in my car and I'm turning off my speakers at work. The laptop isn't coming out of the bag either. For three months. Yes, three months. For three months, I'm determined to live and silence and to see what happens. I had done something similar back when I was in college. I realized at one point that I had become somewhat dependent on noise in my life. I couldn't walk into a room without turning the TV on or the stereo. I was always listening to my iPod. Watching movies was my easy out; I didn't have to be creative with my time or my energy. I could just plop down on the couch and mindlessly watch a movie. So when I cut those things out of my life, I saw some interesting things happen. I began to paint more and I exercised my creative muscles. I read a lot more books. I was forced to get creative with my time. I was far more productive and wise about how I spent my day. I think I did that for about a month or so. And I loved it.
So, now we're going to try something similar, but hopefully reach a deeper level. I'll do my best to update the blog and reflect on the changes that happen in my life, if any. It'll be my way of keeping myself accountable by making the experiment public.
I ultimately want this to be a season of refocusing my relationship with God by canning the noise and distraction. I'm tired of living like that and having my thoughts so distracted whenever I pray or sit down to read Scripture.
I don't know where this road will lead or what will happen, but I'm anxious to dive into the summer. Sometimes you have to do some radical things in your life to see some radical results. Playing it safe usually doesn't get you anywhere.
As I mentioned, though, I had been thinking about the idea of just how distracted we are in the modern age. We have so many gadgets and so many things vying for our attention. We are starting to see the down falls of multi-tasking. Prime example - I recently sent this e-mail to some of my co-workers to state evidence supporting the idea:
I’ve come to the realization that there are certain behavioral tendencies that I have recently developed and I’ve noticed that these tendencies have only developed since moving back to Fulton and starting the Graduate Assistant (GA) position. Or it simply could be the generation in which I live multi-tasks like none other and thus we have a really hard time doing one thing at a time. Now the scary part to all of this is that I’m too young to be doing such things. So for a good morning laugh, please continue reading. Please understand that these are in no way made up or an exaggeration of events.
Evidence #1 of how the GA position has affected me:As some of you may have heard, I recently couldn’t find my phone. I checked the usual locations and then it dawned on me. I was on it, talking to my brother.
Evidence #2 of how the GA position has affected me:I was making copies the other day in Debbie’s office. I went to pull out some copies and my mind temporarily blanked out and thought to myself, “Neil – why did you print more copies??” Oh wait – that was me.
Evidence #3 of how the GA position has affected me:I was making my grocery list last night of things I need to get at Wal-mart. I, of course, was on the phone (and this time I knew I was). So, I jotted a few things down while I’m talking. This morning while I’m eating breakfast I go over the list again while I’m standing there and I realize that I wrote “shaving screams” instead of shaving cream.
Evidence #4 of how the GA position has affected me:Neil and I had a meeting the other day with all of the chapter presidents. A girl walked in and I thought, “She’s not a chapter president – what is she doing here??” I give Neil a weird look as the girl continues to find a seat and makes herself comfortable. About 30 seconds or so pass. Neil is still waiting for the lightning bolt to hit me. I’m still giving him a weird look. Then it dawns on me. Oh yes, she is from the marketing department and is going to talk to chapter presidents about updating Web sites, something about which I had received an e-mail that morning stating she would be there.
Evidence #5 of how the GA position has affected me: I was going to class the other night and I rode with one of my classmates in her car since we carpool. On the way back from class, I could not remember for the life of me where I had left my car, if it was still at my apartment or if I had driven it to the Dome.
Last but not least, Evidence #6 of how the GA position has affected me: My work day often includes prolonged moments of staring at my computer screen because I cannot remember what the heck I was just about to do or who I was getting ready to send an e-mail to.
Hopefully none of you suffer from such moments of insanity.
I write all of this to say that these distractions and these events are merely examples of how distractions and all the noise in my world have caused a great gulf to occur between God and I. And I've allowed it. I get consumed by other things to do, things I think are better things to do rather than sitting down and spending time in the Word. Better things to do than praying and focusing my heart on worship. I've developed an inability to concentrate or focus for any length of time without my thoughts wandering. It's become such a hindrance to my spiritual life and my relationship with God.
So, the experiment. Kierkegaard stated that we need to create silence if the gospel is to be heard at all, and I think that also means creating silence in our own lives if we are to hear the gospel on a personal level.
I've decided that starting May 1, I'm going to create silence.
I'm going to get rid of the distractions and the noise in my life by taking some very simple yet radical steps. My TV is going on my closet under a pile of stuff so that I can't get to it easily. So is my stereo/radio and my CD collection. My iPod is getting stashed in a drawer. My DVD collection will get stored somewhere too. The radio is going off in my car and I'm turning off my speakers at work. The laptop isn't coming out of the bag either. For three months. Yes, three months. For three months, I'm determined to live and silence and to see what happens. I had done something similar back when I was in college. I realized at one point that I had become somewhat dependent on noise in my life. I couldn't walk into a room without turning the TV on or the stereo. I was always listening to my iPod. Watching movies was my easy out; I didn't have to be creative with my time or my energy. I could just plop down on the couch and mindlessly watch a movie. So when I cut those things out of my life, I saw some interesting things happen. I began to paint more and I exercised my creative muscles. I read a lot more books. I was forced to get creative with my time. I was far more productive and wise about how I spent my day. I think I did that for about a month or so. And I loved it.
So, now we're going to try something similar, but hopefully reach a deeper level. I'll do my best to update the blog and reflect on the changes that happen in my life, if any. It'll be my way of keeping myself accountable by making the experiment public.
I ultimately want this to be a season of refocusing my relationship with God by canning the noise and distraction. I'm tired of living like that and having my thoughts so distracted whenever I pray or sit down to read Scripture.
I don't know where this road will lead or what will happen, but I'm anxious to dive into the summer. Sometimes you have to do some radical things in your life to see some radical results. Playing it safe usually doesn't get you anywhere.
10.27.2008
The Person Next To You
From my other blog, written back in July
Just then a woman who had been subject to bleeding for twelve years came up behind him and touched the edge of his cloak. She said to herself, "If I only touch his cloak, I will be healed." Jesus turned and saw her. "Take heart, daughter," he said, "your faith has healed you." And the woman was healed from that moment." Matthew 9:20-22
Some moments in life just creep up and surprise you. Some moments when you look back and wonder what just happened. And some moments when you think to yourself, "So...this, this is what it's all about." I've been praying here recently, "Lord, let me be a blessing in someone's life. Let me somehow bring life and light to someone's day today, no matter how small an act." I shouldn't be surprised when I pray for such things and then they happen.
I went to church today not looking for anything profound or out of the ordinary to happen. But that all changed when I sat down next to a frail, quiet, 73-year old woman named Annaliese. I didn't really say much to her at first - really, I didn't know what to say at all, if anything. I had never seen her before and assumed she was new. She leaned over before the sermon started and said, "You'll have to excuse me if I leave. I'm in terrible pain right now and I just don't know if I can stay." I peppered her with a few questions about her pain and if this was her first Sunday here and such. I noticed she had a slight accent, but I didn't get a chance to ask her about it. The sermon started and we didn't get to say much more. I kept an eye on her throughout the service, just to make sure she was okay and that she wasn't in too much pain. Pastor Brad spoke of offering our lives as sacrifices, to reach out to a world that is in desperate need of help and hope.
We sang a few worship songs at the conclusion and we were dismissed. I assumed Annaliese would get up and leave shortly after. I turned to her and told her it was so great to have her here today and I hoped she comes back next week.But she stopped. And I stopped. And then the story started.
Annaliese was born in Germany and moved to American in 1959. While still living in Gemany, she was diagnosed with polio one week before the start of World War II. To any history person, you can immediately see the implications of her situation: it spells doom for a person diagnosed with polio just before Hitler comes to power, a man who is determined to wipe out anyone who is not "perfect." Annaliese went on to tell me that her mother had said to her at that time that she as a mother should probably just find a cliff to shove her daughter off because her daughter would have no purpose in the Aryan world. It's been a lie that has haunted Annaliese for nearly 7 decades. She went on to tell me that she felt like her life had no meaning, no purpose and that she had no hope. Tears are streaming down her face (and mine at this point).
The sadness was so evident in her eyes, in her demeanor. She explained how she had been to other churches but had never quite connected, but today - today at Lifepoint, she found faith. She had been told most of her life that she had to live her life alone, so to speak, and that it was wrong to serve others. A therapist had told her at one point that it was a sickness to serve others, to focus so much on the needs of others and not your own. She would shake her head sometimes and pause - the sorrow was evident in her words. Sorrow over all the things she had believed and all the burdens she had lived with these years. She talked about not having meaning and I immediately said to her, "You have meaning, and you have been a blessing to me this morning." She looked stunned - nearly in disbelief that such words could be true about her. She, of course, started crying again, which made me cry even more.
Pastor Brad comes over at this point and the story comes out all over again. But this time she adds an extra tidbit of information, which just broke my heart. When spoke of what her mother had said to her all those years ago, she said, "This is the first time I've been able to cry about it." All this time, she had been holding it in, living with the lie and the darkness, haunted by it. And today it come into the light. We then proceeded to pray with her and I couldn't wipe the tears fast enough. As we wrapped things up, she filled out the church's connection card, where you can put your contact info and any prayer requests. Instead of listing prayer requests, she instead writes the quote that said something to the effect of "you never know what unknown is already on its way." She looked up, looked me directly in the eye, and said so tenderly, "You were my unknown. You sat down next to me and you gave me hope. I see now that I do have meaning - and with what Pastor Brad said - I can see that there's something I still can do: witness."I hugged her for probably the third time this morning and said I would see her next week. I already know where I'm sitting - it was assigned this morning.
"One Touch" by Nicole C. Mullen
Been ostracized for 12 years
I’m used to being alone
Spend everything I had and now
It’s goneI’m used to being put down
My issues tell it all
My only hope is anchored in this fall
If I could just touch the hem of His garment
I know I’d be made whole
If I could just press my way through this madness
His love would fill my soul
If only One Touch
So many people calling
How could He every know
That just the brush of Him would stop the flow
If He knew would he would rebuke me?
Or shame me to the crowd?
Well, I’m desperate because it’s never or now
And then suddenly He turned around
He said somebody has unleashed My power
Well, frightened and embarrassed I bowed
You see I told Him of my troubles and how,
I had to touch the hem of His garment
And I know I’ve been made whole
And how I had pressed my way through the madness
And His love has healed my soul
Then with one word, He touched the hem of my garment
And you know I’ve been made whole
And somehow He pressed His way through my madness
And His love has healed my soulI tell you He touched me
He reached way down and touched me
When no one else would touch me.
And I know I’ve been made whole.
So, never forego the opportunity to be the hem of His garment. You never know who is reaching out to touch it.
Just then a woman who had been subject to bleeding for twelve years came up behind him and touched the edge of his cloak. She said to herself, "If I only touch his cloak, I will be healed." Jesus turned and saw her. "Take heart, daughter," he said, "your faith has healed you." And the woman was healed from that moment." Matthew 9:20-22
Some moments in life just creep up and surprise you. Some moments when you look back and wonder what just happened. And some moments when you think to yourself, "So...this, this is what it's all about." I've been praying here recently, "Lord, let me be a blessing in someone's life. Let me somehow bring life and light to someone's day today, no matter how small an act." I shouldn't be surprised when I pray for such things and then they happen.
I went to church today not looking for anything profound or out of the ordinary to happen. But that all changed when I sat down next to a frail, quiet, 73-year old woman named Annaliese. I didn't really say much to her at first - really, I didn't know what to say at all, if anything. I had never seen her before and assumed she was new. She leaned over before the sermon started and said, "You'll have to excuse me if I leave. I'm in terrible pain right now and I just don't know if I can stay." I peppered her with a few questions about her pain and if this was her first Sunday here and such. I noticed she had a slight accent, but I didn't get a chance to ask her about it. The sermon started and we didn't get to say much more. I kept an eye on her throughout the service, just to make sure she was okay and that she wasn't in too much pain. Pastor Brad spoke of offering our lives as sacrifices, to reach out to a world that is in desperate need of help and hope.
We sang a few worship songs at the conclusion and we were dismissed. I assumed Annaliese would get up and leave shortly after. I turned to her and told her it was so great to have her here today and I hoped she comes back next week.But she stopped. And I stopped. And then the story started.
Annaliese was born in Germany and moved to American in 1959. While still living in Gemany, she was diagnosed with polio one week before the start of World War II. To any history person, you can immediately see the implications of her situation: it spells doom for a person diagnosed with polio just before Hitler comes to power, a man who is determined to wipe out anyone who is not "perfect." Annaliese went on to tell me that her mother had said to her at that time that she as a mother should probably just find a cliff to shove her daughter off because her daughter would have no purpose in the Aryan world. It's been a lie that has haunted Annaliese for nearly 7 decades. She went on to tell me that she felt like her life had no meaning, no purpose and that she had no hope. Tears are streaming down her face (and mine at this point).
The sadness was so evident in her eyes, in her demeanor. She explained how she had been to other churches but had never quite connected, but today - today at Lifepoint, she found faith. She had been told most of her life that she had to live her life alone, so to speak, and that it was wrong to serve others. A therapist had told her at one point that it was a sickness to serve others, to focus so much on the needs of others and not your own. She would shake her head sometimes and pause - the sorrow was evident in her words. Sorrow over all the things she had believed and all the burdens she had lived with these years. She talked about not having meaning and I immediately said to her, "You have meaning, and you have been a blessing to me this morning." She looked stunned - nearly in disbelief that such words could be true about her. She, of course, started crying again, which made me cry even more.
Pastor Brad comes over at this point and the story comes out all over again. But this time she adds an extra tidbit of information, which just broke my heart. When spoke of what her mother had said to her all those years ago, she said, "This is the first time I've been able to cry about it." All this time, she had been holding it in, living with the lie and the darkness, haunted by it. And today it come into the light. We then proceeded to pray with her and I couldn't wipe the tears fast enough. As we wrapped things up, she filled out the church's connection card, where you can put your contact info and any prayer requests. Instead of listing prayer requests, she instead writes the quote that said something to the effect of "you never know what unknown is already on its way." She looked up, looked me directly in the eye, and said so tenderly, "You were my unknown. You sat down next to me and you gave me hope. I see now that I do have meaning - and with what Pastor Brad said - I can see that there's something I still can do: witness."I hugged her for probably the third time this morning and said I would see her next week. I already know where I'm sitting - it was assigned this morning.
"One Touch" by Nicole C. Mullen
Been ostracized for 12 years
I’m used to being alone
Spend everything I had and now
It’s goneI’m used to being put down
My issues tell it all
My only hope is anchored in this fall
If I could just touch the hem of His garment
I know I’d be made whole
If I could just press my way through this madness
His love would fill my soul
If only One Touch
So many people calling
How could He every know
That just the brush of Him would stop the flow
If He knew would he would rebuke me?
Or shame me to the crowd?
Well, I’m desperate because it’s never or now
And then suddenly He turned around
He said somebody has unleashed My power
Well, frightened and embarrassed I bowed
You see I told Him of my troubles and how,
I had to touch the hem of His garment
And I know I’ve been made whole
And how I had pressed my way through the madness
And His love has healed my soul
Then with one word, He touched the hem of my garment
And you know I’ve been made whole
And somehow He pressed His way through my madness
And His love has healed my soulI tell you He touched me
He reached way down and touched me
When no one else would touch me.
And I know I’ve been made whole.
So, never forego the opportunity to be the hem of His garment. You never know who is reaching out to touch it.
8.17.2008
Isaiah 46
Bel bows down, Nebo stoops low; their idols are borne by beasts of burden. The images that are carried about are burdensome, a burden for the weary. They stoop and bow down together; unable to rescue the burden, they themselves go off into captivity.....They lift it to their shoulders and carry it; they set it up in its place, and there it stands. From that spot it cannot move. Though one cries out to it, it does not answer; it cannot save him from his troubles. Isaiah 46:1-2,7
I've been fascinated by Isaiah 46 as of recent days. I'm constantly surrounded by the question, "What images of God are you carrying about?" I've realized time and time again how often we as Christ-followers carrying around images of God that are so far from who He really is. I personally tend to have this view of God as this divine lawyer, looking for a loophole to nail me. I find my prayers are so specific not because I'm praying by faith but because I fear that if I'm not specific then God is going to hand down this awful answer. I figure if I don't clearly outline exactly what I was asking for then I won't get it. My past has ingrained that in me. But that is in no way who God really is. He is not sitting on his throne, scheming up ways to find loopholes in my prayers so that He can make me miserable.
We carry around images of God, too, as though he's Mr. Rogers. As pastor Isaac Anderson put it, "He just wants to be your neighbor." Or may be there is the view of God as a divine score keeper. He's keeping track of all that you say and do. You get points added and deducted according to your conduct and thoughts. Or may be we see God as this mildly interested human-like god who is quite content with the mediocre lives of men. All of these images combined add up to a god, who at the very heart of it all, cannot save us. And never will. Why? Because they are not the true image of God, the Holy One of Israel. Like the people in Isaiah 46, they were crafting these idols of silver and gold. They were worshipping them. Singing to them. Decorating them. And what did the idols do in return? Nothing. Absolutely nothing. See, that's the problem with idols and false images in our lives. They can't save us. They can't help us. They don't hear us when we cry out. They don't respond when our hearts are hurting.
Maybe that's why God doesn't hear us sometimes. We pray and pray and pray to God, hoping he'll step in, but all along we've been harboring unbelief. We've been harboring false images of him, just beneath the surface.
The idols in our lives taunt us. They keep us captive. They overshadow the truth because we have found that we are so comfortable with our idols and false images of God that we don't even realize that is what has happened.
So that's the question: What images of God have you been carrying around that you need to deconstruct? What false images of God have you been carrying about? It's burdensome isn't it? It's burdensome to carry around false images and perceptions of God. But the Holy One also said, "Come to me and I will give you rest....my burden is light." Holding onto and believing the true image of God is the only yoke you will carry on your shoulders that will not keep you captive. Learn from Israel in Isaiah 46. Carrying around false images and idols and crying out to them is no way to live.
I've been fascinated by Isaiah 46 as of recent days. I'm constantly surrounded by the question, "What images of God are you carrying about?" I've realized time and time again how often we as Christ-followers carrying around images of God that are so far from who He really is. I personally tend to have this view of God as this divine lawyer, looking for a loophole to nail me. I find my prayers are so specific not because I'm praying by faith but because I fear that if I'm not specific then God is going to hand down this awful answer. I figure if I don't clearly outline exactly what I was asking for then I won't get it. My past has ingrained that in me. But that is in no way who God really is. He is not sitting on his throne, scheming up ways to find loopholes in my prayers so that He can make me miserable.
We carry around images of God, too, as though he's Mr. Rogers. As pastor Isaac Anderson put it, "He just wants to be your neighbor." Or may be there is the view of God as a divine score keeper. He's keeping track of all that you say and do. You get points added and deducted according to your conduct and thoughts. Or may be we see God as this mildly interested human-like god who is quite content with the mediocre lives of men. All of these images combined add up to a god, who at the very heart of it all, cannot save us. And never will. Why? Because they are not the true image of God, the Holy One of Israel. Like the people in Isaiah 46, they were crafting these idols of silver and gold. They were worshipping them. Singing to them. Decorating them. And what did the idols do in return? Nothing. Absolutely nothing. See, that's the problem with idols and false images in our lives. They can't save us. They can't help us. They don't hear us when we cry out. They don't respond when our hearts are hurting.
Maybe that's why God doesn't hear us sometimes. We pray and pray and pray to God, hoping he'll step in, but all along we've been harboring unbelief. We've been harboring false images of him, just beneath the surface.
The idols in our lives taunt us. They keep us captive. They overshadow the truth because we have found that we are so comfortable with our idols and false images of God that we don't even realize that is what has happened.
So that's the question: What images of God have you been carrying around that you need to deconstruct? What false images of God have you been carrying about? It's burdensome isn't it? It's burdensome to carry around false images and perceptions of God. But the Holy One also said, "Come to me and I will give you rest....my burden is light." Holding onto and believing the true image of God is the only yoke you will carry on your shoulders that will not keep you captive. Learn from Israel in Isaiah 46. Carrying around false images and idols and crying out to them is no way to live.
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