Death + Breath = Life

I sat looking at the line-up of my meds on the kitchen table the other night. Anti-nausea. Anti-seizure. Anti-biotic. Anti-inflammatory. Anti-depressant. And the granddaddy of them all (which does not get stored on the kitchen table, by the way. When your med comes in a bright yellow biohazard bag, you do not store said meds out in the open): chemotherapy, which might as well be anti-everything. Like a logger in the rainforest, it takes a slash-and-burn type approach to your body. Let's just raze this place to the ground. 

Anti-, anti-, anti-, anti-, anti-.

So much against me and my body it seems these days. Is there anything for me?

In a very backwards sort of way, all these anti-meds are, in fact, for me. They are intended to keep me alive, despite their names meaning against.

Similarly, we can often fall into the trap of believing God works this way, always against me, and in a lot of ways, he is. He is anti-pride, anti-greed, anti-selfishness, anti-unbelief, anti-idolatry, among a host of other things. He'll raze your heart to the ground if he has to, unapologetically so.

But he will do that because he is for you. 

In the weeks and months leading up to my life going sideways in February (I even have marked in the header of the section, "Dec. 2023"), in God's providence, he had me camped out in Scripture in Ezekiel 37. For those not familiar with Ezekiel, he was an ancient Israelite prophet and priest who spoke to the Israelites while they were living in exile in Babylon. He wrote to warn the people about their idolatry, but also to encourage them. In Ezekiel 37:1-14, he captures his famous vision of the valley of dry bones, which is a scene where he comes across not just dry bones, but very dry bones. Dead as dead can be. Seemingly no hope of life again. I include the entirety of the segment here because I think it's worth the space and worth the read if you're not familiar:

The hand of the Lord was on me, and he brought me out by the Spirit of the Lord and set me in the middle of a valley; it was full of bones. He led me back and forth among them, and I saw a great many bones on the floor of the valley, bones that were very dry. He asked me, “Son of man, can these bones live?”

I said, “Sovereign Lord, you alone know.”

Then he said to me, “Prophesy to these bones and say to them, ‘Dry bones, hear the word of the Lord! This is what the Sovereign Lord says to these bones: I will make breath enter you, and you will come to life. I will attach tendons to you and make flesh come upon you and cover you with skin; I will put breath in you, and you will come to life. Then you will know that I am the Lord.’”

So I prophesied as I was commanded. And as I was prophesying, there was a noise, a rattling sound, and the bones came together, bone to bone. 8 I looked, and tendons and flesh appeared on them and skin covered them, but there was no breath in them.

Then he said to me, “Prophesy to the breath; prophesy, son of man, and say to it, ‘This is what the Sovereign Lord says: Come, breath, from the four winds and breathe into these slain, that they may live.’” So I prophesied as he commanded me, and breath entered them; they came to life and stood up on their feet—a vast army.

Then he said to me: “Son of man, these bones are the people of Israel. They say, ‘Our bones are dried up and our hope is gone; we are cut off.’ Therefore prophesy and say to them: ‘This is what the Sovereign Lord says: My people, I am going to open your graves and bring you up from them; I will bring you back to the land of Israel. Then you, my people, will know that I am the Lord, when I open your graves and bring you up from them. I will put my Spirit in you and you will live, and I will settle you in your own land. Then you will know that I the Lord have spoken, and I have done it, declares the Lord.’”

I love this passage of Scripture for so many reasons, and there may be future posts covering additional thoughts because when studying it, I took pages and pages of notes and comments on concepts that stood out to me.

But there's one concept in particular, though, that sprung forth me during my time of study, and knowing what I know now on this side of a cancer diagnosis that holds no cure, it was no mere coincidence. As I began tracing the text, I noted: 1) how utterly dead these bones were. No breath, no life, nothing. 2) It's not until the appearance of God's breath that things change, that the dead come to life.

Death + breath = life.

The breath of God is what changes people. Ezekiel is using a rich reference here when using "breath," as it  can literally mean breath, but can also be indicative of the work of the Holy Spirit. So, it's not just the breath of God that changes us, it is specifically the Spirit of God that changes us.

When it seems everything is against us, or anti-us, and that death, spiritually or literally, is against us, we will find that the Spirit of God is for us. He wants to breath life into the dead, to bring the valley of dry bones within us to life.

But why would he go to all this trouble to raise what is obviously and unequivocally dead? The answer is found in verses 6 and 13:

"Then you will know that I am the Lord.”

God will raise all that is dead within us, all that is seemingly anti-life because he is very much for life and because he wants us to know that he alone is Lord.

This is the good news of Jesus Christ as found in Romans 4:17, another favorite verse of mine:

"...the God who gives life to the dead and calls into being things that were not."

God took a look at that valley of dry bones and saw what no one else could: He saw life where there was only death. He called into being things that were not.

The death of us plus the breath of God is where life, true life, begins.

He may raze you to the ground, but then he will raise you to life. 

God doesn't just take bad people and make them good people. He takes dead people and turns them into living people, ones who know he is Lord.

So, when I sit and look at that lineup of medications that are anti-, may they serve as a reminder, however backwards it may be, that God is for me in this time. 

May he bring to life all the parts of me that are dead. 

But that tumor, he can go ahead and leave that on the valley floor.

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Functional updates

I'll try to carve out space in each post to provide updates on where I am in the process. So, if you're just here for the nuts and bolts, in the future you can slide straight here to the bottom and skip my idle wanderings above.

Yes, I wore this to my first radiation appointment.
Thank you, Cheryl!

Miraculously, and despite popular fears in the household, I did not spontaneously combust when taking my first dose of chemo pills Monday night. Nor did I start glowing green after my first radiation treatment yesterday. I actually ended up sleeping really well Monday night. I was pretty religious about taking the anti-nausea medication throughout the day, just as a proactive measure. I took it again last night before I took my next dose of chemo, but I did not take any through the night like I did previously. I feel surprisingly well. It will only be the passing of time that will eventually show how hard of an impact the symptoms have on my body, as drugs accumulate. I had this odd prayer Monday night after a few moments of sleeplessness, that somehow I would be like the burning bush found in Exodus: That even though my body might be ablaze with drugs, that God would somehow prevent me from being consumed with symptoms. I'm praying this trend continues.

It's also been nearly 2 weeks since I had my last seizure, praise God. I was referred to an epilepsy specialist, and initially they told me I would not be able to get in until June 26. But they called yesterday, and had an immediate opening, so I was actually able to see the specialist via online appointment yesterday. He was incredibly helpful and informative, and I'm so glad we were able to get in sooner rather than later. We are going to make a slight adjustment to one of my medications to an extended-release version in the hope that helps. 1 radiation treatment down, 29 more to go!

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