To Whom Shall I Go?

This coming week will mark five months since my first seizure and the diagnosis. Without question, they have been the worst five months of my life. I remember texting my friend Kristina at one point early on, simply saying, "I keep thinking to myself I don't know how I'm going to make it." And at that point, everything felt like the Bermuda Triangle, where things mysteriously disappear but never come out, and all thoughts of the future felt unimaginably risky. They still do at times.

Have I questioned the existence of God in the last five months? You better believe it. Have I questioned his goodness, kindness, and mercy? Without a doubt. Have I wondered if what I have spent most of life believing was utter garbage, a figment of my imagination? One hundred percent. Suffering and hardship will make you question a lot in life, particularly about God and the role he plays in the universe.

I have on occasion looked back over posts I've written in these last five months and had to be honest with myself - Do I really believe what I've written or I am going through the motions, paying lip service to notions that I deep down doubt or just straight up don't believe? I think the greatest seasons of growth in my faith have been as a direct result of being confronted by my doubts and needing to wrestle down the answer to the question, "What do I really believe to be true about God and his character?" I wonder if we don't have faith without doubt, that somehow the two actually go hand-in-hand.

I was processing some of this early on with a counselor I was seeing at the time, and I told her, yes, I do believe all these things to be true about God. Yes, I still believe he's sovereign. Yes, I still believe he's good. Yes, I still believe he has good things for me, even though everything about my circumstances scream that I would be justified in believing otherwise. 

I told her, though, if not God then where else would I go? If not Jesus, then what other alternative would I turn to? Self-help? Worship of nature? Some other world religion? Atheism? 

She then reminded me of the words from John 6:60-69. Jesus is offering up teachings that are super offensive to those who claim to follow him, and they are having a hard time tracking with him. A lot start to abandon him and his teachings because he's so offensive to their way of thinking:

On hearing it, many of his disciples said, “This is a hard teaching. Who can accept it?”

Aware that his disciples were grumbling about this, Jesus said to them, “Does this offend you? Then what if you see the Son of Man ascend to where he was before! The Spirit gives life; the flesh counts for nothing. The words I have spoken to you—they are full of the Spirit and life. Yet there are some of you who do not believe.” For Jesus had known from the beginning which of them did not believe and who would betray him. He went on to say, “This is why I told you that no one can come to me unless the Father has enabled them.”

From this time many of his disciples turned back and no longer followed him.

“You do not want to leave too, do you?” Jesus asked the Twelve.

Simon Peter answered him, “Lord, to whom shall we go? You have the words of eternal life. We have come to believe and to know that you are the Holy One of God.”

Here his followers are presented with a way out, if they so desired. Jesus had no problem with some of them walking away. He's not surprised by this turn of events. Jesus' teachings are not for the faint of heart. They are confusing. They are offensive. They are complicated. And Jesus knows this. He doesn't shy away from confronting his followers with offensive teachings and exposing their doubts front and center.

That's when he asks the twelve disciples, his closest friends, "You do not want to leave too, do you?"

Does what I have to say also offend you, you who are my closest companions, you who have given up everything to follow me, you who have forsaken family and fortune to commit your lives to follow me, do you also want to walk away now in the face of questions, doubts, and offensive teachings?

And then Peter answers with the gold standard response that has become my own conclusion in these last five months: "Lord, to whom shall we go? You have the words of eternal life. We have come to believe and to know that you are the Holy One of God."

To whom shall I go? If not God, then where else would I turn to and find that it holds the words of eternal life, that offers as complete of a worldview as what the God of the Bible has to offer? There's nothing out there greater than Jesus. Nothing. In 26 years of following Jesus, I have come to believe and know that he is the Holy One of God. 

Whatever doubts I might have or have had can only be settled in one place and by one person: Jesus Christ.  

He alone holds the words of eternal life.

______________________

Functional updates

I'll try to carve out space in each post to provide updates on where I am in the process. So, if you're just here for the nuts and bolts, in the future you can slide straight here to the bottom and skip my idle wanderings above.

Welcome back, Sinead.

My hair started falling out Wednesday night from radiation. The doctor warned this would happen sometime in weeks 3-4. It's not straight up bald patches yet, but it's headed in that direction. Large chunks came out in the shower that night, and then I spent my Thursday morning walk pulling at it. By lunch on Thursday, I decided to shave it again. This haircut carried far less emotional angst than when I last did it in  the hospital after surgery. It's just a fact of life now. No use crying in my cornflakes about it all. 

I ended up conducting an accidental experiment yesterday. I usually hit a wall of fatigue sometime between 10:00 and 11:00 am every day, almost like clockwork. Yesterday was an exception since radiation had started, which was odd to me. I've also developed tremors in my left hand since radiation started. It only happens when I extend my fingers or type, so it's not spontaneous or persistent. But yesterday they seemed to get progressively worse through the day. I developed a headache yesterday evening, too, which I really haven't had at all through radiation. I had a growing list of unexpected symptoms all landing on one day, but why?

I go to eat breakfast this morning, pulling out all my morning meds. I have my seizure meds in their own separate daily am and pm containers. Surprise! I forgot to take yesterday morning's seizure meds! 🤦 Note to self: let's not do that again. 

Apart from yesterday's flub, I still generally feel good. I walked yesterday morning for 40 minutes, the longest I've walked so far. I watched an entire 2-hour movie without closing my eyes for an extended period of time. For months, I have struggled visually to sustain leaving my eyes open that long while watching TV, I think mainly from sensory issues and eye fatigue. I still can't get through a car ride without closing my eyes for a portion for similar reasons. It's not that I get motion sickness. It just seems like my eyes get twitchy and need a break. I now also have to wear eyeglasses all the time because my prescription has changed.

Still no seizures since May 30. I was talking with my parents the other night, reflecting on all the chaos these last five months have wrought, and I think the seizures are what carry the most trauma for me. They were so stressful because of their unpredictability and when I had four in two weeks, it was overload mentally and emotionally. I've been unbelievably grateful that God has strung together an entire month of no seizures. 

I've also been able to connect face-to-face with more friends here in the past week, which has felt like a breath of fresh air. It's much easier cognitively for me so sustain conversations these days, so it has felt good to catch up with friends. I still have limits and I do have to call an audible on occasion and vocalize when I reach a cognitive limit, but it's progress from even a month ago. The wonder that is the human brain's plasticity and ability to repair!

I'm still praying for an increase in energy, strength, coordination, motor control, motivation, joy, and peace. I had my first round of blood work at the end of last week, and everything was normal. I'm still praying my blood counts would defy expectations moving forward. 

I do want to clarify some points that have risen in assorted conversations lately. The words "cancer-free," "remission," and "no evidence of disease (NED)" will likely never be part of my vocabulary. I will always have some form of this cancer in my brain until the day I die. Our goal is to be "progression-free." Even the goal of radiation and chemo is not to "shrink" my tumor; it's merely stop it from progressing to a worse grade or growing in general. Shrinking it will be an added bonus if that happens.

Do I still pray that God would rid my body of this cancer? Absolutely. Do I believe he is able? Yes. Will he choose to do so? He alone knows. His answer may very well be no. But just as Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego declared in Daniel 3:16-18:

Shadrach, Meshach and Abednego replied to him, “King Nebuchadnezzar, we do not need to defend ourselves before you in this matter. If we are thrown into the blazing furnace, the God we serve is able to deliver us from it, and he will deliver us from Your Majesty’s hand. But even if he does not, we want you to know, Your Majesty, that we will not serve your gods or worship the image of gold you have set up.”