I Miss My Friend

I have an exceptionally amazing group of friends, as previously documented. This sucky season of life has proven that. Countless cards, gifts, flowers, and texts have been pouring in these last 3 months since my diagnosis. I won't make it through to the other side of this season of life without you all. I will not be the person you once knew. Suffering and hardship inevitably change a person, but don't give up on me. Don't leave me in the shadows all alone. Be willing to sit with me in my grief and sadness, even if you don't know what to say or do. I probably don't know myself.

But there's one friend in particular, though, that I am profoundly missing. Oh, how I wish I could talk to him, now more than ever. There's so much I want to chat with him about. I want to talk about expectations and limitations, joy and sorrow, Jesus and truth, fear and anxiety.

His name was Jonathan Eades. Some of you reading this knew Jon or know his parents, who are equally precious to me. 

We first met after I graduated from college. I started attending a new-to-me church in the area at the time, and then joined a small group that met at his house. Jon was diagnosed with Duchenne Muscular Dystrophy when he was five, and by the time I met him in his mid-twenties, he was permanently in a wheelchair. Somehow over the course of time, we fell into this habit of me spending every Thursday evening taking up residence on his couch, the two of us watching episodes of Big Bang Theory and Wipeout.

Jonathan eventually passed in February 2012. To this day, I still have reminders in my phone to mark his birthday and the anniversary of his passing. His parents remain two of my most favorite human beings on the planet.

I know I'll see Jon again someday in heaven, but I selfishly wish he were here now to help me navigate this season of life. He had so much wisdom and perspective to offer on life, born from his own experiences and adversity.

Jon, I hope I have half as much joy you did while traversing the valley, and I hope I shine the light of Christ half as well as you did. Like a sunflower follows the sun, I want to follow you as you followed the Son.

I miss you, my friend.

_________________

Functional updates

I'll try to carve out space in each post to provide updates on where I am in the process. So, if you're just here for the nuts and bolts, in the future you can slide straight here to the bottom and skip my idle wanderings above.

I'm still doing rehab multiple times per week, which has been going okay. I get very anxious about going because I keep anticipating being confronted by all that I seemingly can't do, but the occupational therapist made a good point - I have to stop comparing the present me to the former me, the former me that could do single leg squats with perfect balance and read 100 pages of a book per hour and had no problems with cognition. That person no longer exists. So, comparing my present self to my past self is a trap. "Comparison is the thief of happiness," he said. I have to figure out how to let go of what once was. No small task.

I connected today with a local cancer community support network that offers counseling and assorted educational offerings. I know I need counseling, especially heading into chemo and radiation. It's been tough mentally to stay between the ditches, with anxiety and fear sometimes rushing in like a landslide at times. I have to do double-time to not get swept away.

I'm at the start of week two for my medication transition, from a previous anti-seizure med to a new one. The old one had the side effect of depression, which I felt keenly. I am hoping the new one will go a long way in lifting the veil.

Some of you have asked about prayer requests. I’ll share with you the list of things that I’ve been praying for myself. I welcome your fellow intercession:

1. I’ve been praying shamelessly praying some versus straight out of Job, particularly Job 42:12: 

The Lord blessed the latter part of Job’s life more than the former part. He had fourteen thousand sheep, six thousand camels, a thousand yoke of oxen and a thousand donkeys.

Emphasis obviously being on the first sentence. I’m asking that the Lord would bless the latter half of my life more than the former half. I turn 40 this October, so it seems like an appropriate prayer, given that I’m supposedly reaching the halfway point of my life. I don’t know that I need the 14,000 sheep, 6,000 camels, 1,000 yoke of oxen, or 1,000 donkeys, but I am shamelessly asking for God's blessing on my future.  
 

2. I’m also praying that I would not be overcome by darkness. John 1:5 talks about this:

The light shines in the darkness, and the darkness has not overcome it. 

I’m praying that God‘s light would shine into the dark nooks and crannies of my heart and mind, and that I would not be overcome by that darkness, especially in the weeks and months ahead.

 3. I’m also praying that God would fully restore strength, coordination, and motor control to my left arm. It continues to be a source of frustration for me, and I’m having to figure out how to manage expectations, and not get so easily disheartened. 

4. I'm also praying that I would not lose heart in general. Sometimes my worst fear in the midst of this trial is that my faith would fail, or that I would turn my back on God. I start to spiral and imagine all the ways that things could go wrong, one of which is that I would abandon my faith, but then I’m reminded of this quote from JI Packer:

I need not torment myself with the fear that my faith may fail; as grace led me to faith in the first place, so grace will keep me believing to the end.  Faith, both in its origin and continuance, is a gift of grace. 

5. I also pray that I would have eyes to see God’s fingerprints in my life, that I would keep looking for the ways progress is happening, and eyes to see how he is working things for my good (My new favorite song on the matter), rather than dwelling on all the ways I feel like my body still isn’t functioning like I think it should. I pray that he would provide tangible progress that would serve as encouragement and motivation to keep going.

6. I'm praying for quality sleep and good rest. I tossed and turned last night, and could not get comfortable so I just kept thrashing around.