Great Expectations

Please kindly overlook the oh-so-ridiculously
conspicuous tan lines I had going that summer. 😳

Nearly 20 years ago, I spent a summer living in San Diego. It forever shaped my view of God and my relationship with him. I lived in Mission Beach, an area not far from Coronado Island, and worked at Sea World San Diego. (Before you even have to ask, I saw exactly one Shamu show the whole time I worked there. I worked in the employee kitchen and did food prep, so not a lot of quality bonding time with Shamu happened. Sorry to disappoint.) I was there on what's called a Summer Project, which is basically a ministry opportunity for college kids through the Christian campus ministry I was heavily involved with all four years of college. We worked full-time at Sea World, but then also did regular outreaches at local colleges and in partnership with local churches.

There's a moment from that summer, though, that has been bouncing around in my head here lately like a pinball. When I say things happened that summer are still shaping me, this is what I'm talking about. 

The director of the project was a guy by the name of Dan Allan. There were about 120 of us college students and then a handful of staff members. Dan was teaching one day as one of the lead staff. I can't recall what specifically his topic was. I just remember he was super intense about it, maybe one step shy of yelling, and he was gesturing a lot. But what he said that bright sunny day in San Diego is what's pinging around in my head even now, 19 years later. He said, "Life wouldn't be so hard if we didn't expect it to be so easy."

"Life wouldn't be so hard if we didn't expect it to be so easy."

I've been getting myself into a lot of mental and emotional trouble here lately because I keep thinking at some point in this process, particularly rehab, it is going to get easier, that I'm going to catch a break and find some relief from the storm or that my left arm is suddenly going to start doing everything I think it should be doing. But instead, I keep being met by challenges and adversity. Why does this keep surprising and frustrating me? Because I have an expectation that at some point it will all get easier.

Which is why everything just keeps feeling harder and harder all the time.

I had a good old-fashioned meltdown during my speech therapy session this week. Keep in mind, when I say "speech," it's not that I can't functionally speak. Speech therapy, in my case, is primarily focusing on cognition. So, when the speech therapist slid a cognitive exercise in front of me on Thursday that I couldn't make sense out of, I immediately felt my anxiety levels rise and tears pool in my eyes. It went downhill from there. Tears, tissues, snot, and all. Which then bled over into my occupational therapy appointment, and I had a good cry in front of him, too.

I wish somehow when the surgeon went to remove as much of my tumor as he safely could (I still have about 50% of it left in my noggin. If he had taken any more, he would have left me permanently impaired mobility-wise. That's why the emphasis of this recent surgery was about taking what we safely could), I wish he could have also magically removed the word "should" from my brain and vocabulary.

"I should be able to do this..."

"I should be able to figure this out..."

"I should be more capable than this..."

"I should be able to lift my arm...."

"I should be able to do this exercise..."

That word and my expectations are my worst enemies right now.

And maybe some of it has to do with the fact that there are a good many things in my life that have come naturally to me, broadly speaking. School, college, and grad school were never particularly difficult, except for AP Calc and chemistry. Those were total mysteries to me.

But all of that has changed. I'm not saying that as a declaration of woe is me, and I'm not looking for your pity, but rather as an observation that everything that was once easy now feels impossibly difficult. There's a massive gap between my expectations and reality. I keep expecting everything to be easier, which is ironically just making everything harder. Who knew trying to rotate a ONE pound dumbbell at the wrist could cause so much angst? I should be able to do this, I tell myself in the moment.

I think we do the same in our relationship with God, thinking that one day it's going to magically get easier.

I should read my Bible.

I should pray more often.

I should be more grateful and joyful.

News flash: It's never going to get easier. And I'm saying that to myself as much as I am to those of you reading this.

I don't think the solution is found in just trying harder and heaping condemnation on ourselves. I've spent my whole life trying harder and have mastered the art of self-condemnation (as my boss kindly told me the other day when I was stressing about some work stuff, "Court, you've already fired yourself like eight times from this job. Cut yourself some slack."), and here I am, still stuck in this vicious web of shoulds and expectations. My approach clearly isn't working.

So, as much as I may have an inkling as to what the solution is not, I certainly don't have a good grip on what the solution is when it comes to letting go of our expectations about how hard or easy life is going to be. That's why I'm struggling so much as of late because I can't figure out fully how to shake loose of the word should and walk in freedom from my own expectations. Sorry, if you were looking for a mic drop there and a heavy dose of wisdom. I got nothing other than a running commentary on my own state of affairs. All I have is a plea and a prayer to God for his help:

God, help me to see myself as you do. Help me to walk in freedom from my own unreasonable expectations of my brain and body at present. You said your yoke is easy and your burden is light, which clearly means I'm carrying around a yoke that isn't of you because this one I'm lugging around is heavy and hard. Show me how to lay it down at your feet and rightly place my expectations of this life. Amen.

_________________

Functional updates

I'll try to carve out space in each post to provide updates on where I am in the process. So, if you're just here for the nuts and bolts, in the future you can slide straight here to the bottom and skip my idle wanderings above.

As noted in my previous post, I have exceptional friends. I got a package in the mail on Friday from my college friend, Stephanie. Inside was a signed copy of Kate Bowler's book Everything Happens for a Reason. 🤯 Stephanie's husband works at Duke, which is where Kate also happens to be a professor. He hunted her down and had her personally sign a copy of her book for me. 😍 

I have a laundry list of appointments this week. I feel like that's all do anymore is go to medical appointments. I meet with my oncologist's nurse on Monday to chat about the basics of chemo and radiation, then I'm meeting with a counselor, dietitian, and acupuncturist, all on top of standard rehab appointments. I'm trying to get all of these auxiliary supports in place before I start chemo and radiation, so that I'm as mentally and physically ready for treatment as I can be. The timeline for those treatments will be determined later this month once I have another follow-up with the oncologist. I also have to choose between one of two chemo drugs being offered. #Adulting

Continued prayers for mental stability, restoration of strength and coordination in my left arm, and stamina and motivation to get through all of the upcoming appointments, conversations, and decisions.