In No Mood for Words

Oddly enough, I have not been in much of a mood to write as of late.  This is a strange occurrence that happens every so often when I am just fresh out of quasi-witty, quasi-profound thoughts or stories to tell.  It can be a bit distressing at times.  I guess you could call it writer's block.  I could probably just call it laziness some days.  I do, however, have pictures and those often more than make up for lack of words.  So, in lieu of words this week, I give you my life recently in photos:

One of the groomsmen in Jeremy and Emily's wedding recommended
I read The Silmarillion by Tolkien.  I'm just wondering how long it will
take me.  The Lord of the Rings trilogy took me about 3-4 months.
Give me about a year and then ask me how far I made it through this book.

Yes, this would be my cousin Christian with Bob Goff at the
Love Does Stuff Conference in Tacoma, Washington last week.
I'm not jealous.

And yes, this would be Christian again with Donald Miller at the
Love Does Stuff Conference.  And again, I am not jealous.  

Christian was kind enough to pick up signed copies of Love Does and
A Million Miles in a Thousand Years for me at the conference, two of
my very favorite books.  The jealousy mildly eased. 

I bought a box set of Passion City Church DVDs.
Thank you, Louie Giglio, for ruining my prayer my life.  I now have no idea
how to pray and I ding myself every time I find myself starting to pray
"Lord, bless this...watch over and protect me...be with me..."  But that's how it should, I suppose.
That I would not mindlessly pray to the God of the universe.
  "Boys Meets Girl" is solid wisdom.  "Dwell in the land and cultivate faithfulness!"
Haven't watched the others yet.  

My niece Sophie and her dad/my brother Jeremy working on the pulling tractor.
Just by the looks of Sophie that day you would have thought she had spent
more time working on the tractor than the boys did. Grease stains on her
hands. Oil stains down her shirt.  Dirt smudges on her cheeks. Happy as can be.  

I was going back through journals last week. I found this on the very
first page of the first journal I have.  I think we got resolutions 2-4 covered, thankfully.
It's the first and the last ones we are still working on.  Sixteen years later. Obviously
I have never been good at resolutions.  That's probably why I don't make them anymore.

My latest commissioned art project per my sister-in-law's request.
I'd say with 4 kids and baby #5 on the way, that's a fair statement to
make in their household.

Prep list for what, you might ask? Guatemala, silly!  My next overseas
adventure will take me to the hotter-than-blue-blazes location of Guatemala.
I'm headed there in August for a week with a trip my church is taking.  It will be strange
going overseas for only a week.  Packing will be a breeze!

That's all I have for now.  When I find some words worth putting down you'll be the first to know.  Thank you to the 12 people who routinely read this blog and sometimes find me funny.  You do wonders for my self-esteem, even on weeks when I have no words.  

Sweeter Seasons

Some seasons of life are just too sweet to not relish and revel in.  This has been one of those seasons for me.  Maybe not in its entirety, but at least in parts.  

I was re-reading journals from one year ago and I was so overwhelmed by the extravagant grace God had lavished on my life.  It's absurd, really.  I look back over entries from a year ago - a lot of uncertainty about a lot of things, praying for Jesus to show up. Man, did he ever.  And in ways that I didn't even recognize in the moment, but now see so clearly in hindsight.  In my job.  In my adventures to Kenya.  In relationships.  In dreams.  Every prayer I had written down from a year ago, he had clearly answered.     

One reason this season has been so sweet and tender for me is because I have been given a front row seat to the unfolding love stories of three very important women in my life.  I have never been one to be prone to a lot of loneliness or to ever really resent being single.  But that's not to say that I wouldn't hope to someday be married.  It's just that my identity and purpose in life do not hinge on that event.  Whether God ordains some man to come along and be my partner or not will not diminish my pursuit of Him.  But the hard moments have come nonetheless when I would watch other people's stories unfolding and think, "Why them and not me?"  The bitterness and resentment would creep in and I'd find myself forgetting all that God had bestowed upon me. Utter foolishness.  One time in particular was especially difficult.  I watched God pour out blessing after blessing after blessing on one friend.  And I almost missed it all.  I sometimes got so bound up in my own little mind, comparing myself to her, that I nearly missed the opportunity and the privilege to simply celebrate with her and alongside her.  I vowed to never miss opportunities like that again, to not get so consumed by what I didn't have and miss what I did have.  

So in this season when I have a string of friends getting engaged and married, not an ounce of resentment or jealousy has risen in my heart because Jesus has set me free.  Free to celebrate with these amazing women.  Free to enjoy them and to celebrate their stories.  Free to serve them and encourage them in dating, engagement, in marriage.  Just simply free.  Such sweetness and gratitude over that fact.

I was honored to serve as a bridesmaid in my dear friend Emily's wedding a week ago.  And I loved it.  I loved standing up on that stage and hear her singing "in Christ alone, my hope is found..."  Because I know what Em has been through.  We've walked through a lot of seasons together, a lot of seasons of singleness, and I know what the good days have looked like and I know what the bad days have looked like.  I know the smiley days and I know the ugly-cry days.  I know the hope and the longing for someone else to enter into our fears and insecurities and to say "You don't have to face this alone anymore..."  I know when she sings those words, she may be holding the hand of a man she is absolutely wild about, but she is still confidently saying that in Christ alone her hope is found.  

These are the seasons and the friends and the stories I don't want to miss.  What sweet freedom is found in Him.    

           

The Tribe's Trip

Now back to our regularly scheduled programming...

You've met The Tribe before, as well as Twyla, Jonathan's mom.  A week ago we all made a little road trip down to Virginia.  It wasn't even so much a girls' weekend as it was weekend to just get away, for everybody to have their own personal little retreat and to spend some time taking a break and talking to Jesus.  I do believe this little patch of earth where we stayed is one of my very favorite places now.  There is just such a sense of calm, such a sense of God's presence.  It makes it hard to leave.  And the fact there is no cell phone reception boosts its appeal even more in my estimation.  

The grass was just starting to turn bright green and there was a slight hint of leaves budding on the branches.  The creek was flowing rapidly and the weather was absolutely outstanding.  It really is a little slice of heaven.

We drove down late after work on Friday.  We made a few wrong turns in the dark, but we eventually got there.  The burning lights of the cabin were a welcome sign in the pitch black.  There were a lot of holes in the floor of heaven on those nights we were down there, crystal clear skies with stars poking out everywhere.  You could hear the sound of the rushing water down at the creek.  Bliss.

When we got there Friday night, I think we all crashed shortly thereafter, but we made plans to head to Cascade Falls the next morning in order to hike to the waterfalls.  The sunrise Saturday morning had matched the bliss of Friday night's stars and it was a perfect day to go hiking.  We also discovered everyone else had the same idea when we got to the falls, but we were not deterred.  Now, I think you know I don't harbor an overwhelming love toward hiking.  I will argue, though, there really is something in me that feels deliciously alive on little adventures like this.  I do genuinely like being outdoors and I do enjoy some solid physical exertion every now and then - I just don't want to go overboard on that exertion.  My philosophy is contradictory to the phrase "no pain, no gain."  I say "no pain, no pain."  Sounds like a solid outlook to me.

So, off we go.  Twyla stayed at the trail head as Jill, Alex and I set off on our excursion.  Alex enjoys rock climbing and so on occasion, we made pit stops so she could get out her climbing shoes and traverse a few boulders.  The photos below basically outline how the day went.  Since I am behind the camera, imagine Jill is representative of me.    

Alex climbing.

Jill [Courtney] sitting and watching Alex climb.

Alex climbing some more.

Jill [Courtney] sitting and watching Alex climb some more.

Alex still climbing.

Jill [Courtney] still sitting and watching Alex climb.

You get the idea.  I was more than happy to stand on the sidelines to take pictures and cheer on Alex.  I mean, no sense in injuring myself or anything crazy like that.  Somebody has got to walk back off this mountain if she falls and breaks her neck.  I can totally take one for the team and sit this one out.  Besides I needed to hold Alex's engagement ring, make sure it didn't scratched while she was climbing.

We finally made it to the falls and it really was a pretty spectacular sight.  According to the goodness of God, we had this perfect 70-degree day with sunshine that felt amazing on the skin, especially after feeling like I hadn't legitimately seen the sun in about 6 months.  It was enough sun though to give me a decent sunburn on my forehead, nose and ears.  I had these unfortunate tan lines about half-way up my lower arm from only having my sleeves pulled up so far and I had just the top of my forehead burnt due to the fact that my head had been down most of the day staring at the ground, making sure I didn't fall flat on my face.  But if burnt skin is what I have to suffer in order to see God's beauty for a few hours and to enjoy the sun, I'll take it.

I'm not sure what the funny story was, but I love this
picture of Alex laughing.  

After we hiked the two miles in and the two miles out, we headed back to the cabin.  Jill and I crashed on the deck for awhile, and Alex found her own little corner on the black top to bake for awhile.  Of course, the weekend came to an end all too soon as we left Sunday morning to make the trek home.

Alright, now here comes the part that is now funny in hindsight.  I wasn't really laughing or having much of a sense of humor at the time.  And probably still not really laughing about the fall out, but we'll get to that.

We're all four piled into my car to head home.  Another day of great weather.  We enjoy solid conversation along the way, stellar music, and Jill and Alex caught a cat nap or two.  We are nearly home, maybe 40 minutes from Columbus, just south of Circleville.  I pull up to a traffic light on Route 23.  I feel the car lurch and come to a halt and then everything shuts off.  Well, this can't be good, I thought.  I put my hazards on, put it into park and turn the keys off.  I try starting it again and pop it into gear.  Kills the engine immediately.  Cars are piling up behind me in traffic.  I give it another whirl.  Still nothing.  Few more attempts.  Nothing.  Numerous cars are now going around as I'm nearly sitting in the intersection.

At this point, it's obvious we aren't going anywhere.  So then Twyla launches into action and you would have thought we were having a Chinese fire drill.  I pop it into neutral and out piles Jill, Alex and Twyla, all while Jill is scrambling to get her flip flops on before any of us get hit by oncoming traffic.  Out they go and off they start pushing my car into the abandoned BP parking lot.

In the next twenty minutes, I felt like half the town of Circleville showed up.  I was just waiting for the circus tents and elephants to arrive by the time it was all said and done.  Out of nowhere comes this girl named Misty or Missy, I can't remember which.  I really don't know where she came from.  I never actually saw her appear from anywhere.  One minute she wasn't there and the next she pops the hood and starts looking at my engine.  Then appears James, the owner of Captain D's seafood restaurant just down the road.  He looks at the engine.  Misty/Missy disappears, not to be seen again.  James now calls his friend Tommy, who is apparently the scroungiest guy you'll ever meet but knows his cars inside and out.  So then Tommy rolls up in his beat up SUV of sorts, along with three other guys we don't know, most of them in bib overalls with cut-off shirts and a lot of tattoos.  Then Harley from AAA comes rolling in because I had called for a tow.  Turns out Harley knows Tommy, James and just about everybody else that is standing around at this point, so they all start shooting the breeze.  I found out later that Jill had jokingly mentioned to Alex, "I think there are more people here than teeth."  There was probably a lot of truth in that statement.  

I am now officially feeling overwhelmed and I really just want everybody to leave.  Mind you, I haven't showered since sometime on Saturday.  I'm wearing my pajama bottoms that I've had since freshman year of college. I'm sporting a My Little Pony t-shirt.  Zero makeup on and my hair pulled back in a mess of a ponytail.  I am not immediately finding the humor in the situation, considering I had just had my car in the shop days prior specifically for this reason since I was nearing 100,000 miles on my car.  I am not a happy camper.  At one point Jill says, with a sweet smile on her face, "Should I take a picture to capture the moment?"  I must have given her a look that clearly said no.

Tommy wasn't able to do anything so we loaded it up and AAA towed it back to the mechanic shop.  Twyla's husband, Tim, arrives as do my parents and we all finally head home, albeit not quite according to the schedule we had planned.  I fully realize this is totally a first-world-problem of sorts.  It's just a car and nobody was hurt. It could have been a lot worse.  And there were a lot of pluses to the situation:  1) How often do I hoof it all over the country in my car by myself and the one time when it actually breaks down, I'm not only not alone, but have in fact three other people with me to help.  2) It was a gorgeous day, so at least we weren't standing in the rain.  3) We were close to home.  We could have been in Virginia when it happened.  4) Help was readily available in the form of family and a small band of people who were going out of their way to help.

The downside to the situation is that I have to get a new transmission.  But I'll get over it after I cry a few times about the price tag.  But what's a new transmission compared to a sunburn, an invigorating 4-mile hike for which my body paid the price, lazy days spent sunbathing on the deck of my new favorite spot on earth, some amazing company, and some sweet time spent with Jesus, right?

Besides, driving the big white boat of a family van for a few days while your car is in the shop keeps you humble.

Alex, me and Jill.  Twyla was behind the camera,
so unfortunately we don't have a group shot!  Thanks to these gals
I maintained some form of a sense of humor while Tommy/James/Missy/Misty/Harley
all looked at my car and each declared it officially dead.  

                

#PrayForBoston

Allow me to introduce you to my big brother, Josh, my first ever guest blogger.  He's all grown up now and doing very adult things like buying a house, getting married, doing yard work and going to bed at 8 p.m.  

(Sorry, Josh, an old photo.  But it's all I
 could find of us together!)

He texted me the other morning and said he had some thoughts he needed to get on paper to share with others regarding the crisis in Boston, but Facebook and Twitter's character limit would surely cramp his thoughts.  I said I would welcome his thoughts - and my blog could use the boost anyway.  So, allow this brief commercial break to read some thoughts from my brother.  (After that, we will return to our regularly scheduled programming where I will tell you about my adventures of having my car break down in the middle of Route 23, at which point I felt like half the town of Circleville showed up and I was just waiting for the circus tents and elephants to arrive shortly after them.)    

In the hours since Monday's attack the hashtag #prayforboston has been popular on social media. While in every way we should pray for the physical, emotional and spiritual healing of those afflicted I wonder - who are you praying to? 

Too often our society invokes prayer in times of trouble because that's when we are most needy. I wonder how many of those who prayed for Boston Monday night woke up Tuesday morning and prayed a prayer of thanks for another shot at another day. I fear our nation most often prays to a god of convenience and a god of relativity instead of the God of creation, justification, sanctification, salvation and redemption, the one true God.

It is important to tread lightly on a subject such as this as some might read this and think I'm passing off Monday's events or skimming over them, being calloused. I feel it is just the opposite - I want Monday's events to give pause to our prayer life and examine how we go about communicating with the Lord (or THAT we go about communicating with Him at all!).

In addition to praying for healing of those directly impacted, did you also pray for the healing of a nation which has strayed from God all together?

While giving thanks your loved ones were safe, did you add hope for their protection on Tuesday - or did you just spew those prayers Monday in the wake of what happened and hope it was enough?  Did you toss out a few words of prayer as an SOS, hoping that will somehow cover your backside because in all honesty, you don't remember the last time you talked to Jesus?  Did you flippantly cast up a prayer to the heavens, hoping that somebody or something would hear you?  Each day we wake up is a gift and it's an overwhelming thought to know God not only kept this country from more harm yesterday but that in his infinite mercy He chose to do it all over again yet today.

As the moments since Monday have unfolded, our news feeds have filled up with minute-by-minute updates as more information was available in the aftermath. Our country uttered the old faithful cliche "thoughts and prayers" many times throughout that afternoon and evening. Meanwhile, my mind was plagued by the thought that while our media is busy covering this story as headline news - and surely it was - it simultaneously ignores hundreds of other innocent lives lost everyday to injustices such as abortion, human trafficking, preventable diseases and the like. Dear Lord, let us not forget that every day in this country is as frightful as Monday though our media will not cover it!  We must make sure that we are not lulled into a sense of safety and complacency, for surely every day should be spent praying as fervently as we do in times like these.

So I ask - which God are you praying to? Are you looking to a god of convenience and relativity to heal us or to the God of Peace and Justice? What are you praying for? Are you praying for immediate healing so we can go about our lifestyle of instant gratification and self-indulgence or are you praying for a nation to repent and seek the face of a holy and faithful God? Make sure you pray.  But also make sure you know WHO you are praying to and WHAT you are praying for.

It Would Have Been Enough

It would have been enough.

That line is cited over and over and over again in the Jewish tradition of singing "Dayenu," which is the English transliteration of the Hebrew word דַּיֵּנוּ.  The word essentially means "it would have been enough for us," or "it would have sufficed."  During the Seder meal, this song is sung traditionally after the telling of the exodus and just before the explanation of the Passover.  It includes 15 stanzas, and after each line, they speak the word "dayenu."  I first heard Beth Moore explain this content a little bit when she spoke this past January at the Passion Conference in Atlanta, Georgia, and by the time she got done speaking, I was nearly undone as the weight of what all of this meant began to take root in my heart.    

Five Stanzas of Leaving Slavery
1) If He had brought us out of Egypt.
2) If He had executed justice upon the Egyptians.
3) If He had executed justice upon their gods.
4) If He had slain their first-born.
5) If He had given to us their health and wealth.

Five Stanzas of Miracles
6) If He had split the sea for us.
7) If He had led us through on dry land.
8) If He had drowned our oppressors.
9) If He had provided for our needs in the wilderness for 40 years.
10) If He had fed us manna.

Five Stanzas of Being With God
11) If He had given us Shabbat.
12) If He had led us to Mount Sinai.
13) If He had given us the Torah.
14) If He had brought us into the Land of Israel.
15) If He built the Temple for us.

It would have been enough.  It would have been enough if God had done all of these things for us.  It would have been enough for us if He had simply stretched out his mighty hands time and again.  It would have been enough for us if he had pulled us out of the pits we find ourselves in so often. It would have been enough for us if he had kept performing miracle after miracle.  It would have been enough.  

But was it?  Was it really enough just to part the Red Sea?  Was it really enough just to provide the manna?  Was it really enough just to build the temple?  Was all of that really enough?

Because what good are the parted waters if I don't have the Living Water?  What good is the manna from the skies if I don't have the Bread of Life?  What good is the temple if He is not dwelling with me?

I love it when Beth Moore gets to rolling on this particular topic at the Passion Conference. She says, "Jesus knows it would not have been enough.  Oh no, it would not have been enough, had Jesus just been born to a virgin.  It would have been miraculous, but it would not have been enough.  Had Jesus come to speak the very words of God, it would have been the Word made flesh among us, but it would not have been enough.  Had Jesus caused the deaf to hear, the blind to see, the mute to speak, it would not have been enough.  Had he called forth demons from the tortured and oppressed and possessed, no indeed, it would not have been enough. Had he only raised the dead, it would not have been enough.  Had he been scorned, mocked, spit upon, and bruised and not bled one single drop, it would not have been enough.  And let me tell you something, nobody knew that that night [Passover night] better than Jesus, because that particular night was precisely on the calendar for the reason that it was not enough!"     

So, no, it would not have been enough.  And that's why on this day, on "Good" Friday, we look to a cross and we look to a crucified man and we acknowledge that everything from the exodus out of Egypt to the miracle of manna and everything else in between and since would not have been enough.  But God, in his infinite and unfathomable wisdom, grace and sovereignty sent his one and only Son who stretched out his arms and said, "I am enough."

A Home

I remember sitting in the hotel parking lot, staring out the windshield, knowing I would sleep in perfect peace that night, but some woman somewhere was living in utter fear of the night that was to come.  I knew I would go to sleep that night and be free of nightmares.  I knew I would go to sleep and be free of shame.  And I knew some woman somewhere would not have that luxury.

I was spending my Saturday a couple of weeks ago volunteering with an organization called S.O.A.P. - Save Our Adolescents from Prostitution - whose mission it is to distribute bars of soap to local hotels, which list a hotline number a victim can call should she find herself being trapped in human trafficking.  Theresa Flores, the founder of S.O.A.P. and a survivor of human trafficking herself, facilitated the training that morning, explaining to attendees the staggering statistics of human trafficking around the country.  (Yes, it really does happen here domestically.  This isn't some far off third-world problem.  Ohio happens to rank fifth in the nation for human trafficking, with Toledo ranking third.)

The outreach was targeting the Arnold Sports Festival, which was just this past weekend - and it's known to have high amounts of human trafficking.  Any major event where there is a large gathering of people, predominantly men, the numbers spike.  The Super Bowl.  Daytona 500.  The Memorial Tournament.  Republican National Convention.  Democratic National Convention.  Kentucky Derby.  Detroit Auto Show.

But Theresa also explained some of her own story and the stories of many other women she had encountered. And as I was sitting in that hotel parking lot, thinking over all I had learned and thinking of their stories, picturing their faces, J.R.R. Tolkien popped into my head.  Ah, the brilliance of Tolkien at just the right moment.  I thought particularly of the movie The Hobbit.  In the story, Bilbo Baggins is this quiet, unassuming hobbit who really just wants to be left alone to tend his garden, read his books and generally stay far away from adventure.  Through a series of events, he gets wrapped up in this journey with a host of dwarves and Gandalf, the wizard.  The dwarves have lost their land and vast amounts of treasures to the evil dragon, Smaug, and they are on a mission  to get it back.  The dwarves don't really trust Bilbo or really know what purpose he serves on the journey, and at one point their leader, Thorin Oakenshield, questions Bilbo and his motives, to which Bilbo responds:

"Look, I know you doubt me, I know you always have. And you're right... I often think of Bag End. I miss my books, and my armchair, and my garden. See, that's where I belong, that's home. That's why I came back... 'cause you don't have one, a home. It was taken from you. But I will help you take it back if I can."

And as I sat there thinking, feeling a little overwhelmed by the magnitude of the situation, the horror that 27 million people around the globe are caught up in human trafficking, I thought, "Who am I to do something?  My life has been relatively easy, relatively pain-free.  I don't know what it's like to be kidnapped and forced into sexual slavery.  I don't know what it's like to be blackmailed and brainwashed, thinking my family will be murdered if I ever speak out and try to fight my way out the situation I find myself in.  I don't know what it's like to have my body tortured and destroyed by those that thirst for control, power and lust."  I mean let's be frank here - I'm a young, white, privileged, well-educated, American woman, who in all honesty has had an easy road to walk.  I know that.  And that's just the lie the devil wants us to buy, the lie that because we can't relate or can't fully change the situation, then we just shouldn't bother at all, that we shouldn't get our hands dirty, that it's someone else's problem. Just be quiet...you don't have a voice in this matter.  What do you know?  He's so good at whispering the lies.  

What a load of baloney.       

Yeah, sometimes I want to be like Bilbo and just honestly and selfishly admit, "You know what?  You're right.  I don't always understand.  And I do think of home.  I like my safety and comfort and self-confidence and peace.  That's where I belong."

But I simply cannot leave it there.

Because there is also that moment when I want to say to these women caught up in trafficking, or to the children I have seen face-to-face so often in Kenya, to look them in the eye and say with a touch of fierceness in my voice, "But that's why I came back - because you don't have that. You don't have a sense of emotional safety, you don't have a sense of comfort, a sense of self-confidence, a sense of peace, a sense of dignity, a sense of home.  It was taken from you.  But I will help you take it back."

I will help you take it back.  I will help you take back your dignity.  I will help you take back your confidence.  I will help you take back everything that was ever stolen from you.  And I'm not just talking about tangible possessions here, I'm not just talking about homes and clothes and finances.  I'm talking about the very things that define us at our core, our very identities.  I'm not saying in a I-am-your-hero-here-to-save-the-day kind of way, but in a way where we enter into other people's lives with grace and humility, as their co-equal, not as their superior.  

As Christ-followers, the hallmark of our lives should be the mission to take back that which is lost or stolen.  It should be our mission to restore the years that the locust have eaten (Joel 2:25).  It should be our mission to give people back their dignity and self-worth - whether orphan, alien, widow, man, woman, child.  It should be our mission to reclaim ground that Satan has claimed for himself, for evil.  We should be rising up in righteous anger far more often than we currently are.  Things like this - injustices like human trafficking - need to rub us the wrong way far more often.  It needs to get under our skin.  It needs to compel us to action, not indifference.

The movie Machine Gun Preacher follows the life of Sam Childers, who took a very rocky road to building an orphanage in war-torn Sudan.  At one point he said, "I'm afraid that someday I'll close my eyes to all of this and make it someone else's problem."

Every day we rub shoulders with people who have had their homes stolen from them, so to speak.  It's your job to make these wrongs your problem.  It's your job to make it right.  It's your job to help them take it back.  Even if you have to slay a dragon or two to make it happen.

Broken, Broken, Broken

We have doctors because of broken bodies.  We have counselors because of broken minds.  We have mechanics because of broken cars.  We have divorce attorneys because of broken marriages.  We have foster homes because of broken families.  We have entire prison systems because of broken people.  We have repairmen because of broken pipes and broken TVs.  We have broken systems to replace other broken systems.  Broken, broken, broken.  All of it.

We live and move and find ourselves living in a fundamentally broken world.  It's inescapable, unavoidable.  And for whatever reason, that thought is crashing down around me here lately. (Although, clearly it's a recurring thought considering I wrote about it similarly maybe six months ago.)  Probably because I have to stare at it every day I go to work now, where I feel like all I do is think about broken people and broken systems and hope to figure out a way to make them less broken.  A vast majority of us spend our lives righting wrongs, in some way, shape or form.  And if our jobs or our lives aren't directly involved in fixing what's broken, then we are at the very least operating within the confines of broken relationships and broken structures and broken systems, working alongside broken people.

It gets overwhelming at times.  I feel like I'm fighting an uphill battle, one where nothing ever seems to change.  I look at the statistics for orphans in Africa - one site says 53.1 million orphans in sub-Saharan Africa alone - and I think, "It's never going to change."  We have countless non-profits and NGOs at work and there never seems to be a dent in the problem.  I look at the statistics for some of the work I do now - however many hundreds of thousands of children in Ohio - and I'm reaching a couple hundred who might have autism.  And I still want to think, "It's never going to change."  It all seems insurmountable.  I get bogged down, wanting to chuck all efforts, telling myself because I can't save them all, then I shouldn't bother saving any. (I know, I'm quite the pessimist.  Bad habit.  I'm working on it.)

Yes, the reality is that it's never going to get any easier.  On this side of heaven, I'm never going to live and function in a world that is fully whole and healthy and without blemish.  But that is never an excuse for me to not do something.  How easy would it have been for Jesus to say, "I can't save them all - not all of them will embrace me - therefore I shouldn't bother saving any of them.  Let's ditch the cross.  It's a wasted effort."  That thought occurred to me earlier tonight while driving home from work and I got so overwhelmed I was nearly in tears.  Because I'm so grateful that Jesus came back for this one.  He came after me.  He didn't leave me behind and say, "Figure it out for yourself.  You broke, you fix it."  It's completely absurd when I think about how outrageous and scandalous that is.  He came after the one.  I think of the four friends who brought their paralyzed friend to Jesus.  They dug a hole in some stranger's roof, for crying out loud, just to get their friend to Jesus.  What if I lived with that kind of courage, just for the sake of one person?      

“Suppose one of you had a hundred sheep and lost one. Wouldn’t you leave the ninety-nine in the wilderness and go after the lost one until you found it? When found, you can be sure you would put it across your shoulders, rejoicing, and when you got home, call in your friends and neighbors, saying, ‘Celebrate with me! I’ve found my lost sheep!’ Count on it—there’s more joy in heaven over one sinner’s rescued life than over ninety-nine good people in no need of rescue."  Luke 15:4-7 (MSG)   

Jesus left the ninety-nine - heck, he left the legions in heaven - and he came after the one. I likewise have to go after the one, whomever it is.  Yes, we're all a little broken.  Yes, we live in a broken world with broken systems, broken governments, broken people, broken relationships.  But I've got to go after the one.  I don't want to spend my days in hopeless defeat, staring at all that is bad in this world, feeling like it's all a lost cause.  I'll spend the rest of my life paralyzed if that's what I choose.  Somehow, someway, I've got to take courage from Jesus and go back for the one who is lost - in my job, in my family, in my church, wherever.  Because Jesus came back for this one who was lost.

"Do I still think there will be a day when all wrongs are made right, when our souls find the completion they are looking for?  I do.  But when all things are made right, it won’t be because of some preacher or snake-oil salesman or politician or writer making promises in his book.  I think, instead, this will be done by Jesus.  And it will be at a wedding.  And there will be a feast."  - Donald Miller    

    

Conversations with Dirt

I found myself standing out in the drizzle and cold in a small town in Virginia this past December, staring down at a small plot of earth, having a conversation in my head with the dirt and the body that was now buried six feet below.  At various points, I wasn't sure if it was teardrops or rain getting in my eyes.  It was so compulsory, so involuntary, the conversation that ran through my head.  But it was like every other conversation I had with Jon when he was alive - simple, comfortable, without effort.

And in that moment, as I stood over that gravestone marker, I realized how much I still missed my friend and how much I still wished he was here.  

It will be a year ago tomorrow that I got that dreaded phone call from Pastor Brad.  "He's gone, Courtney."  Blast it all, Brad.  Don't tell me that.  Not today.  Not now.  Don't tell me my friend is gone.  My keys were nearly in hand.  I was just coming to visit him at the hospital.  Don't tell me he's gone.     

There have been a lot of moments since then when I have found myself absentmindedly thinking, "Ah, I should remember to tell Jon about that."  Or maybe I'll think to myself, "Jon would find that funny."  I watched The Civil Wars perform on the Grammy's last year.  I wanted to tell Jon about it.  I saw a sign last week for the first game of the Blue Jackets' hockey season.  I wanted to text him to see if he had bought tickets yet.  I still watch The Big Bang Theory and laugh and wonder if Jon would have found it funny, too.  I've watched countless movies and told myself about all of the details that Jon would have picked up on, the ones I always seemed to miss.  I ran my finger across the books on my shelf and counted all the books that Jon randomly bought for me over the years - War Horse, South, Touch the Top of the World.  

Those memories are bittersweet, but I'm grateful I have them nonetheless.  They are marks of a friendship and a friend that I will forever remember and be shaped by.  The sadness still comes on occasion - and I've learned that it's okay.  I've learned to welcome it with open arms.  I've learned to not apologize for the tears when I have conversations with others about Jon and what he meant.  I've accepted the reality that I'll probably never make it through "Never Once" by Matt Redman ever again without thinking of Jon or wanting to cry.   

And I know I'm not alone in that grief or sadness.  What his family has experienced - is experiencing - eclipses whatever I might feel.  But in the end - we all know the same reality: we'll see Jon again.  Heaven isn't some pipe dream, not something we're wishing is true.  It's real.  And my friend is there.  Walking. Dancing. Celebrating. Rejoicing.  And as much as I want my friend here - I want him there more. 

We are not people without hope.  Our hope is in Jesus Christ and Him alone.  And we'll cling to Him and run to Him when the waves of life sweep over us, threaten to send us tumbling down to the abyss, when the memories get to be just a bit too much.

And I'll cling to Him even when I find myself having a conversation with a piece of dirt.          

You Never Have Another Best Friend...

"It was amazing. I do not at all understand the mystery of grace - only that it meets us where we are but does not leave us where it found us. It can be received gladly or grudgingly, in big gulps or in tiny tastes, like a deer at the salt. I gobbled it, licked it, held it down..." - Anne Lamott, Traveling Mercies

I was like deer at the salt on Monday night at our church's monthly house of prayer.  Huddled between two of the godliest women I know, we drank deeply of that grace and received it gladly.  

I have the awesome privilege of being surrounded by a lot of amazing women and have had that privilege for a long while.  One of those mysteries of grace that I'll receive gladly, in big gulps. I get a little stunned when I look back over my life, especially from college until now, and I tick off on my fingers all of the women that I hold so dear.  Mentors, confidants, partners-in-crime, comforters, co-sojourners.  I can't even begin to write a list out of all the women I think are so priceless.  I wish that all could be surrounded by such a gathering of wise, wise friends.  

But tonight I especially want to esteem two of my dearest friends in this season of life - Jill and Alex.  I'm sure if you know me very well, you hear me talk about these two women a lot (and some of you probably even get tired of hearing me talk about them.  My apologies!).  But it's because they have played/are playing such an integral role in who I am as a Christ-follower.  Alex's fiancé Jed, now (affectionately?) refers to us as The Tribe.  "I'll just call you The Tribe." "Oh, The Tribe is meeting again." "You just saw each other less than twelve hours ago, what else could you possibly have to talk about??"  Lots, Jed, lots.  We're women.  There is always something to be said.  

As I sat at the house of prayer quietly praying over so many things the Lord kept bringing to my mind, sweet Jill walks over and, with tears in her eyes, asks if she can pray for me.  So her and I begin praying.  I'm sure we've got eye make-up streaming down our faces by the time she's done.  Then Alex walks over and sits down.  Also crying.  So then we begin sharing some Scripture and just hashing out some things that had been happening recently, things we were praying for.  Then I start praying for Alex.  Then I pray for Jill.  And by the time that all got done, we really were messes.  Runny noses, not enough tissues and too many tears.  

It's moments like that when I think, "This is what this looks like - to intercede, to come alongside, to draw nearer to one another and to Jesus, and to embrace the tears and runny noses."  Life is messy and complicated as it is.  We each are facing series of circumstances, which certainly are not unique to mankind, but to us they seem to leave us with gaping holes in our hearts - relationships from our past that haunt us in ways we didn't see coming, ones that threaten to knock us over, battles with insecurities and worthlessness, thoughts of some-day and not-yet marriages, confusion over next steps.  

But it's in those moments that grace shows up.  Sometimes it comes in the form of encouraging notes, unexpected phone calls, bouquets of "just-because" flowers.  But this time it showed up with skin on, in the form of two women who I esteem highly and who are crazy about Jesus.  I love the line from the deleted scenes portion of P.S. I Love You, when John says, “You never have another best friend like the first one you have when you’re old enough to know who you are in life.”  And it's so true.  But in this case, "friend" happens to be plural for me - "friends."  Because I'll never have other best friends like these first ones I've had when I was finally old enough to know who I was in life.  Well, maybe that's not entirely accurate because I'm still figuring out a lot about my life and those first best friends extends well beyond Jill and Alex.  But nevertheless, I'll welcome the grace that God so graciously provides.  I'll keep gobbling it and holding it down as best I can. 

Ixnay on the Resolutions

I really don't like new year's resolutions.  They are completely worthless in my mind, at least for me personally.  They are not conducive to my personality - I'm either going to do something or I'm not.  I'm not going to sit down and make a list of things I hope to accomplish.  I've tried them in the past and the minute I fail, I give in to self-condemnation and swear them off anyway so I figure why bother?  I'm better off by just quietly determining to do something rather than making a list of goals.

There is one thing, though, that I keep coming back to when I think about this coming year.  It's a prayer from John Piper's book Seeing and Savoring Jesus Christ. (And because Piper is incredibly gracious, you can download the entire book in PDF format from his website - he's got oodles of other amazing free resources, too, including many of his other books in their entirety.)  A friend from college gave it to me years ago and it ended up being one of those books that has more things underlined than it doesn't.  At the conclusion of each chapter he wrote, he included a prayer.  I pulled it out a few weeks ago because I wanted to include a line from it in a gift I was giving to a friend.  I think this prayer is ultimately what I want for 2013 - for myself, for those around me, for my church.  Maybe it's one you'll spend praying for the year as well.

Almighty and merciful God, we exult in the reflection of your might and mercy in your Son, our Lord, Jesus Christ.  We rejoice in the strength of his lion-like power and in the tenderness of his lamb-like meekness.  We take heart from his incomparable combination of excellencies.  It reassures us that there is none like him, and that he is not a mere man like others.  O grant us, in our brash indifference, to tremble before the Lion of Judah and to humble ourselves under his fierce holiness. And grant us, in our brokenness and fear, to gather courage from the lion-like Lamb.  Oh, how we need the whole Christ!  Open our eyes to see the fullness of his excellence.  Remove the lopsided and distorted images of your Son that weaken our worship and lame our obedience.  May the power of the Lion and the love of the Lamb make our faith in Christ unshakable.  So deliver us from small dreams and timid ventures and halting plans.  Embolden us.  Strengthen us.  Make us love with fierce and humble love.  Let us share the confidence of the Lion of Judah that gave him the will to die like a Lamb and rise in everlasting joy.  And in it all, grant that all might see the glory of Christ and that you might be honored through him.  In Jesus' name we pray, amen.

Here's to 2013 being a year when we love with fierce and humble love.