I'll Leave the Swimming to the Fish

Snorkeling has never been high on my list of things to do before I die.

I now know why.

While in New Caledonia, we took a free day to go off the coast to snorkel. I was looking forward to the adventure as I hadn't ever done it before. I don't have a great affinity for water or swimming, but I don't find it particularly dreadful either. I thought, "This will be great - no problem. Can't be all that bad."

We set out for the day around 8:00 a.m., with plans to go out to another small island off the mainland, drop anchor and then snorkel.

I shimmied into my wet suit, plopped on my goggles and then listened carefully during the tutorial on how to properly use your snorkel and flippers. The guide so graciously conveyed that swimming in the ocean was easy with your flippers, there's no need to use your arms to swim, just float along and then kick with your legs.

Bernard, our very French snorkeling guide

This is a lie.

As we get closer to jumping in, I'm getting slightly apprehensive as I'm realizing that I may have overestimated my tolerance for water.  I muster up the courage and take the plunge.  The water wasn't too terribly cold, thanks to the wet suit and hood I had on.

We slowly start making our way out from the boat, which is anchored quite a bit from shore.  I occasionally stick my face under the water, catching a glimpse of the world below.  Fish galore and coral everywhere.  I caught a glimpse of a white-tipped reef shark out of the corner of my eye.  The other group mentioned later that they also saw a stingray and a sea turtle.  The ocean was teeming with life and vibrancy.

The water was maybe 30-40 feet deep (but maybe I made that up? I'm not a good judge of distance underwater) and the guide would occasionally dive under, point something out, come back and then explain what he was pointing at.  I was doing okay at this stage, attempting to enjoy the view.

But after awhile, I realize that this whole flipper thing was not working so well and that I was doing the exact opposite of what the guide said. I was doing nothing BUT swimming with my arms.  I was like an anxiety-ridden cat flapping my way around in the deep end of the pool while everybody else was over there looking like Flipper the dolphin, graceful as can be, making it all look like they had lived their whole lives in the water.  Turns out I was not Ariel the mermaid in my former life.  

And the farther we went from the boat, the more stressed I got.  I could feel my body getting tighter and tighter, my breaths getting shorter and shorter.  Every time I would go to stick my head in the water, I would take this huge gulp of air, even though I had a snorkel on allowing me to breath.  I just kept anticipating getting a mouthful of ocean water.  After awhile, I no longer cared what was below the surface.  I just wanted to get back to the boat.  I was slowly losing the mental battle, getting more and more panicked.  I finally waved down our guide, Bernard, a very nice French guy.  I told him I'm going back to the boat and he said with his little French accent, "Yes, sometimes this happens with beginners, they get very exhausted their first time out."  And I was like, "Yeah, yeah, whatever, dude.  I'm over it.  Just get me back to the freaking boat."

So, I tread/paddle/float/drift/attempt to swim my way back to the boat, desperate to get back sooner but finding my legs were worthless and moving even slower because I couldn't use my flippers properly so I was burning energy like crazy.  I was ready to shed them and leave them in the reef for the fish to make a home out of.            

I finally made it back to the boat.  I stripped the flippers, ripped off the goggles and snorkel, heaved myself onto the boat deck, my uncoordinated body nearly collapsing right then and there. Nobody else had made it back yet as they were all still out snorkeling and have a grand ol' time.

This is me, post-snorkeling debacle

Meanwhile, I made a beeline for the bathroom.

And proceed to throw up everything I ate for breakfast that morning, including an amazing chocolate croissant.

I think I had myself so stressed and so anxious that I made myself sick.  The good news was, though, I felt ten times better after that.

The rest of the group finally came back shortly after my stomach had made peace with the rest of my body.  I told them I came back early due to motion sickness and that I just wasn't feeling all that great.  I didn't want to admit that I was an anxiety-ridden, stressed-out, I-don't-care-if-I-ever-snorkel-again-in-my-life-type person.

We pulled up anchor and set off for another location to snorkel.  I stayed on the boat that time and enjoyed the sun, salty air and ocean breezes.

Despite the downside to it all, I'm still glad I did it.  I'll just let National Geographic and the descendants of Jacques Cousteau get all of the underwater photographs next time and leave the swimming in the ocean to the fish, sharks and sea turtles.  I can now successfully cross out "Go snorkeling" off my bucket list.

I just wish I would have remembered that it was never on the bucket list to begin with.   

Redemption and Healing, Gladness and Joy

When I got the phone call from Anne asking me to go on this recent trip, a flood of memories came rushing back.  Memories that didn't hold a lot of joy for me.

As a college student I had been actively involved with one of the student ministries on campus.  I had joined the ministry as a freshman and then quickly joined the student leadership team my sophomore year.  I followed that up with a summer project in San Diego in 2005.  That summer I became good friends with a staff member from the organization, a woman who would go on to be my mentor that summer.  We kept in touch after San Diego and shortly after that, she asked if I would go with her and husband to Russia, where they would be leading a summer project.  I debated for awhile but felt a strong prompting to go with her and eventually said yes.  San Diego had been a pivotal time for me and I watched as Jesus had radically changed who I was, and my mentor had been part of that story.  Russia seemed like the next right thing to do.

I headed overseas the summer of 2006 and that summer would prove to hand me one of the biggest heartaches of my life.  Spiritually speaking, it was just an ugly summer, filled with a lot of disobedience and rebellion.  It wasn't always expressed externally, but I certainly harbored a strong critical spirit, one full of defiance.  I would drag my feet about everything, just not wanting to participate or choosing to find fault with staff or the ministry as a whole.  I was a mess on the inside - always feeling like a failure, always feeling like I didn't measure up, all while knowing I was being so utterly sinful.  It was like somebody had stuck a magnet on my compass and I could suddenly no longer tell which way was north, completely unable to discern things.  I didn't know which way was up and I was slowly drowning in my own unconfessed sins.

My mentor frequently called me out on this and because my own heart was a mess, all that did was add to my resentment.  I felt my bitterness growing each day.  I felt like all I ever got told was to "get a grip" and "snap out of it."  And when I couldn't snap out of it and I couldn't get a grip, the self-condemnation grew and my sadness and anger went deeper.  I was living out Psalm 32:3-4, "When I kept silent, my bones wasted away through my groaning all day long.  For day and night your hand was heavy on me; my strength was sapped as in the heat of summer."  I was wasting away in my own foolishness.

It finally came to a boiling point about two weeks before we were supposed to came back to the States.  I remember sitting in a little coffee shop across the street from the university where we had been staying all summer.  My mentor sat across the table from me, where she proceeded to have a very frank conversation about my recent behavior and uncooperative attitude.  There was a big part of me that was very aware that everything she was saying was true.  I knew I was being a pain.  But there was also this part of me that had absolutely no idea how to get out of it or to change who I was.  I was stuck in my own muck and mire and "snapping out of it" just wasn't cutting it.  As Paul says in Romans 7:14, "I do not understand what I do.  For what I want to do I do not do, but what I hate I do."

The final blow was delivered when she asked if I wanted to go back to the States.  I thought she was joking and said, of course, I'd love to go back to the States.  I was homesick and I was sick of Russia.  But I also knew I couldn't leave.  I knew God had put me there for a reason.  So even if I wanted to leave, I knew I had to stay there.  But then she said, "But, Courtney, what if we made you go home?  We had a staff meeting last night and we considered putting you on a plane back to America."

Was I really in that bad of shape that I was being dismissed and discarded?  It's a conversation I have spent the last 8 years getting over.  It has buried fears so deep inside of me that I find I still react in light of that singular conversation, anticipating that people will write me off or anticipating I will somehow become that girl in Russia all over again.  Because that's what I felt like had happened - I had been an impediment to the team and those around me and the response was simply to remove me.  The very people I thought would have seen past my pain and my obnoxiousness were the very people who simply said, "We've had enough of you."

I really didn't want much to do with the ministry and the organization after that.  I still had to come back my senior year and co-lead the student ministry on my campus, something I look back on with profound regret and sadness because I feel like I failed as a leader and let down a lot of my peers.  My own heart was in shambles and hardly had a right perspective, but here I was expected to lead the very ministry that I felt like had crushed me.  I limped my way through my senior year, just desperate to be done with the role and to move on with life.

So, when Anne (who had also been with me that summer in Russia and was a saving grace as such a patient friend) called to ask if I would go them to New Caledonia this summer, you now know why my heart stuttered a bit at the request.  I wasn't sure I wanted to dredge up thoughts of Russia and I wasn't sure I wanted to partner again with the organization, or any of its branches of ministry.  I was terrified at even the remotest possibility of walking back into another situation like what I had experienced back in 2006.  Or becoming the person I was back then.

And so began the long march toward redemption and healing.  I began praying specifically Isaiah 35:10, "Gladness and joy will overtake them, and sorrow and sighing will flee away."  Russia had been marked with anything but gladness and joy and I didn't want New Caledonia to be a repeat of that.  I wanted to be overtaken by gladness and joy.  Jonathan Parnell's entry from the Desiring God blog would also prove pivotal in the process - "Seven Details to See in Your Past."  I knew if I went, I needed to be free and clear of the past.  The nails needed to be put in the coffin of Russia, so to speak.

And in the last two weeks in New Caledonia, I watched that happen.  I watched sorrow and sighing be replaced with gladness and joy.  I saw wounds and hurts be replaced with redemption and healing. The process of healing is not always a particularly pleasant one.  But it is always sweetest on the other side of it - and it is always necessary, no matter how painful.

We had a free night one Saturday night about a week or so ago in New Caledonia.  I grabbed my backpack, journal and Bible, found a little shop that sold ham and cheese crepes, and then found a spot on the beach to camp out.

I sat down, sprawled out on one of the picnic tables by the beach as the sun set and wrote that night, "It's hard to realize that what you have been holding onto for so long let go of you a long time ago.  It's time to let the organization off the hook - and to acknowledge that it's a ministry made up of people just like me.  People who are sinful and messy and who don't always get it right."  I realized I had been holding on to Russia and that hurt for far too long, unintentionally and unconsciously.  And it was time to let it go.  To pick up the pieces and move on.

At the end of the trip, during our final debriefing time, we were asked to provide two words that described our trip.  Some people said "life-changing" and "inspirational" and a host of other adjectives.  My two words were simply "redemptive" and "healing."  So much had been redeemed and so much that had once been broken in me had been made whole.

My intent is not to throw this particular ministry or my mentor under the bus and I'm not here to point the finger. Please understand my heart behind this - it is not to offer a critique of the ministry or to paint them in a bad light.  I can only point to myself in this situation.  I'm very aware of my own stupidity and sinfulness and I take full responsibility for that.  But I'm very aware of Jesus and his unending grace that picks me up off the floor and sees to it that I somehow start to breathe again.

"There is not such a pleasant history for you to read in all the world as the history of your own lives, if you would sit down and record from the beginning hitherto what God has been to you, and done for you; what evidences and outbreakings of his mercy, faithfulness, and love there have been in all the conditions you have passed through." - John Flavel 

The outbreaking and evidences of God's mercy, faithfulness and love have been scattered all over my life these last two weeks.  I will be forever grateful for his redemption.  Because that means my past doesn't have to remain a place of sadness, but a place of great hope.  

Two More Countries Added to the Passport

Whew. So much to catch up on!  After being gone for over two weeks, my brain and my body are so out of sorts and my mind has been desperate to get words onto paper/blog.  Generally I prefer the distance between me and technology when I'm traveling, but then I hate having to do so much writing all at once when I get back.  I'd prefer the little chunks to the massive updates.  But, alas, when you're on the other side of the world with limited access, sometimes you have to settle for the marathon of catching up when you return.  I'm sure in the coming weeks I'll unload a hodge-podge of thoughts regarding my recent travels.  

I spent the last two weeks on a little-known island in the South Pacific called New Caledonia with Jesus Film Mission Trips.  I didn't even know this place existed until I was asked to go on this trip.  It's an overseas territory of France, known for its nickel mining, supplying a large percentage of the world's nickel.

Sometime late last summer or early fall, a good friend of mine, Anne, called me up to say that her and her husband were leading a trip to New Caledonia and asked if I would go with them.  The trip would primarily focus on one-on-one evangelism on campus at the University of New Caledonia, using the Jesus Film and other short films they produce as a means of engaging students and sharing the gospel.  The hopes is to continue to build a long-term ministry and eventually provide long-term staff who will lead and develop Christ-followers on campus.  It's a ministry that is in its infancy, so there was a lot of pioneering to do in order to pave the way for what will hopefully come in the near future.

And I figured since I would be on that side of the world anyway, flying in and out of Auckland, New Zealand, I might as well take advantage of that fact and spend some extra time hanging out in New Zealand.  So, I spent two extra days at the end of the trip exploring Auckland, visiting Hobbiton (trust me - there will be a post reserved for Hobbiton alone), and going horseback riding on the beach.

All in all, this particular trip holds a lot of memories and a lot of stories.  I think each of my overseas adventures has been marked by a specific theme and verse from the Bible.  This trip was about redemption and healing - and making Jesus known among the nations.  Isaiah 12:4-5 best articulates what I had been praying for on this trip:

"Give praise to the LORD, proclaim his name; make known among the nations what he has done, and proclaim that his name is exalted.  Sing to the LORD, for he has done glorious things; let this be known to all the world." 

I wanted to proclaim Jesus and make him known among the nations - not only what he has done in my life, but what he is doing in New Caledonia also.  He has truly done glorious things and I wanted to make this known to all the world.  Or at least this corner of the world.   

Where I Go, They Go

Packing for overseas trips has become a bit of a game for me.  I'm determined to someday go overseas and pack only a book bag.  I thought I could pull it off on this trip and I was giving it a valiant effort.  I finally had to succumb, however, and accept the fact that it was just not meant to be.  My suitcase that I'm checking still only weighs 26 pounds.  Pack light or stay home is my motto! (Thank you, Kristen P. for articulating that for me the last time I packed to go overseas.)  I'll have one small suitcase to check, a book bag to carry-on and a small purse - all totaling 48 pounds. I love efficient packing. I think my goal is always to take less and less on each successive trip I take.  Maybe one of these days I'll achieve my own personal gold standard of only carrying on a book bag and checking no luggage.    

This trip is going to be a bit of a departure from my last few trips.  I'm heading out with the Jesus Film Project to a little French island off the coast of Australia called New Caledonia for two weeks and then spending a couple of extra days in New Zealand before I head back home.  There are a whole host of thoughts that have gone into deciding to go on this trip, but I'll unpack those on another day.

You can bet, though, in those 48 pounds of luggage I'm carting around there is most certainly a box of Cheez-Its.  This should not surprise you.

      

Where I go, they go.  They went with me to Kenya and they went with me to Guatemala.  They will now go with me to New Caledonia and New Zealand.  What would I do without you, Cheez-Its?    

Back in the Day When I Learned How to Play the Accordion

Me, back in the day, attempting to learn how to play
the accordion.  It didn't turn out so well. 

Turns out that learning to play the accordion in the fourth grade was a lost cause for me.  It was like trying to pat your head and rub your belly at the same time. I couldn't play the keyboard, press the buttons AND push the billows in and out ALL at the same time.  Besides, the thing weighed about as much as I did so I always felt like I was going to pitch forward, face-first and wind up with accordion keys stuck between my ribs.

But man, Mr. DJ - did he know how to play that accordion.  He played that thing like he was trying to resurrect somebody from the dead.  And I loved it.  I loved watching him play it, doing something he so clearly relished.

Mr. DJ was my fourth grade teacher.  I also happened to have his wife, Mrs. DJ, for third grade.  Their real last name is DesJardins, but we always just called them Mr. and Mrs. DJ.  They were some of my very favorite teachers I ever had in all my years of school, college and grad school included.  It will be 20 years this fall since I first set foot in his classroom.  I remember I pitched a fit when I found out I was slated to have a different teacher for fourth grade.  My older brother had had Mr. DJ for fourth grade also, and I just remember seeing how much fun he had and I wanted to be a part of that.  I have no idea what strings my mom pulled, but she somehow managed to get things switched and I got my wish. (Bless you, Mom.)

Mr. DJ passed away this past Saturday.  And as I've been flipping through old scrapbooks from fourth grade, I can't tell you a single thing I learned from a textbook that year I had him as a teacher. I don't recall any of our grammar lessons and I don't recall any lessons on division or fractions.  I can't recall a single lesson about science or weather or biology.  I couldn't tell you anything about Ohio history.  I can't even remember if we had textbooks.  I have no conscious memory of any of those things.

One of the many postcards I still have from our years
of corresponding back and forth.  We kept it up for over a decade.
And I still have every single one of them.

But I'll never forget Mr. DJ.  Because you don't forget the teacher who instilled in you a deep love of learning.  The teacher who taught you wooden shoe dances and the jitterbug.  The teacher who let you bake all the toaster strudels (and soft pretzels and cookies and biscuits) you wanted. The teacher who lined his classroom walls with license plates from every state because he loved to travel.  The teacher who kept a "booger bell," and rang it anytime a student was caught picking his nose. (I can't believe I forgot that one until somebody mentioned it to me at calling hours!)  The teacher who celebrated everything with a gold "Excellent" stamp on your paper. The teacher who introduced you to molasses syrup. The teacher who loved Route 66.  The teacher who let you make gingerbread houses at Christmas and played Bing Crosby's "Mele Kalikimaka" in the background.  The teacher who played old radio broadcasts of "The Shadow" with a group of students listening enraptured. The teacher who whacked his ruler on his desk if you weren't paying attention when he was talking.  The teacher who introduced you and your brother to the word "flatulence." (I have no idea why, but Mr. DJ liked that word.) The teacher who wore a sombrero and danced around the classroom, playing the accordion, with a string of kids bee-bopping around behind him.  The teacher who taught you how to play the harmonica and thought everything you played sounded just fine.  The teacher who taught you all the bones of the body, thanks to a life-size skeleton named Maud (I didn't recall the name of the skeleton, but my brother brought it to mind).  The teacher who sent you postcards for decades from his many travels, written in his trademark all-caps handwriting.  The teacher who passed out Tootsie rolls to any kid who found whatever city he called out during much-loved "map races" or "dictionary races".  The teacher who took pictures of nearly every piece of artwork his students created.  You don't forget a teacher like that.

I loved having him for a teacher.  I always remember his classroom being so engaging. I don't remember ever being bored.  Mr. DJ was the kind of teacher that made you want to go to school every day.  I couldn't wait to see what he had waiting for us, what project we were going to work on next, what song we would learn next.  There was always something to be doing in his classroom.  We loved him all the more because we didn't realize that what we were doing was called learning.

So, here's to the teachers like Mr. DJ who do more than just teach.  Here's to the teachers who compel a group of young kids to travel and see the world.  Here's to the teachers who keep Wurlitzer jukeboxes in their classrooms and play music while their students are passing the time baking cookies in a tiny toaster oven.  Here's to the teachers who think life lessons are more important than grammar lessons.  Here's to the teachers who celebrate the terrible harmonica players along with the harmonica-playing prodigies.  Here's the teachers who say convention and conformity are over-rated.

Here's to you, Mr. DJ, one of the best teachers I have ever had.  When I stand underneath the arch to the Santa Monica Pier next week, the official end of your much-loved Route 66, I'll think of you.  And I'll be sure to send a postcard.

I Can Feel It Coming

There are just some seasons of life when you realize that if your head weren't attached to your body, you would surely walk off without it.  Seasons when it seems everything is converging at once and you're just hoping to somehow merely survive it with all your limbs intact.

I had a season like that back in grad school.  I was working on my MBA, taking classes at night.  I had two part-time jobs at that point, one for a local eye doctor and the other working for the university in the Student Life office.  My grandfather had recently died and I was just generally feeling swamped by life.  I became acutely aware of how scattered my brain and my life had become when I sat down one day and took stock of my craziness.

I had developed the habit of leaving my apartment/car keys.  In the door.  Overnight.  I would come home, unlock the door and just simply forget to take them back out.  I would wake up the next morning and be ready to head out the door and have no idea where my keys disappeared to.  I knew I was in trouble when this became an established norm and I was no longer surprised at myself for leaving my keys in the door overnight.  I think I came to expect it.  As soon as I couldn't find my keys, I knew right where they would be.  Thankfully I lived in a sleepy little college town, with a perpetually grumpy 90-something-year-old man and a retired professor as my neighbors.  

And then there was the time I was making my grocery list.  I was busy gabbing on the phone at the same time, attempting to multi-task.  When I got off the phone and looked down at my list, I realized I had written "shaving screams," instead of just "shaving cream."

The one that trumped them all, though, was when I was in my office one day at school.  I was packing up for the day, getting ready to leave and I couldn't find my phone.  I am pulling out drawers, rummaging through stacks of paper, looking underneath books.  Can't find it. I check and double-check my purse.  I check my pockets.  I check my coat.  I check the seat cushions.  Still can't find it.  I check the trashcan.  I check the floor.  I check the cabinets.  Zilch.  Where on earth could that thing have gone?

And then it dawns on me.

I.am.on.it, talking to my brother.

Heaven help me.

All of these memories came back to haunt the other day as I began realizing that I am presently following that same pattern here recently, which is giving me some serious cause for concern.

Exhibit A: I met a friend the other day for lunch and afterward I really just had one mission - go to Walmart and pick up supplies for the upcoming trip.  One stop, that's all I needed to do.  I kept telling myself, "Don't forget to turn off on this road to go to Walmart, don't forget to turn off on this road to go to Walmart, don't forget to turn off on this road to to got Walmart."  I was about a mile past the turnoff when it occurred to me that I had missed it all together.  I completely lost all motivation to turnaround and go back so I just went home.

Exhibit B:  I was getting ready for work the other morning, jumped in the shower, got out, was trying to figure out what to wear for the day and started doing my hair and makeup.  As I'm blow drying my hair, I'm thinking, "Ugh - my hair just looks so gross today, like it's still really greasy."  And then as I started thinking, I began to wonder, "Ehhhh - I'm not even sure I shampooed it this morning??"   I honestly couldn't remember - if  I did, I must not have washed out all of the shampoo.  I eventually came to the conclusion that I just didn't bother to shampoo it at all.

I can feel it coming.  These are the early warning signs of the impending train wreck that will be my brain over the next few months, between going overseas, starting a new position at my office, moving into a new apartment and host of other things.  If you see anybody walking around with either a glazed or slightly panicked look, it's probably me.    

The One View I'll Never Get Over

I don't know that there's ever a moment in my life when I am not reflecting on, thinking about, or over-thinking something.  It's both a blessing and a curse.  And maybe because my 30th birthday is approaching in a few months and a variety of things are all converging at once.  I was offered a different position at work so I am changing jobs.  With no longer having the pony at home, I am moving out.  I was asked by a dear friend to head overseas on a trip that her and her husband are leading with the Jesus Film Project, so I'm hopping on a plane in a month and falling off the grid for a few weeks.  It's all good things, but it's a lot to wrap my brain around sometimes.

As I've been sorting through schedules and changes and reflecting on where all I've been in the last 29 years, I've taken stock of a few things.

In the past 29 years, I have gaped at the glaciers in Alaska and thought I had found a bit of heaven on earth.  

I have walked across the bricks of Red Square in Moscow and stared up at St. Basil's Cathedral, a little stunned when it dawned on me, "This is where Stalin walked."  

I have stood on the shores of the Black Sea at sunset and I have hiked up the Caucasus Mountains to see mountain men tending to the wild horses that lived on its slopes.  

I have crossed through rivers so bitter cold in those same mountains that it nearly stole the air right out of my lungs.  

I have had my heart stop beating as I caught a glimpse of the sunset in the vast expanse of the Masai Mara and wondered how I was ever going to leave that place with my heart still intact.  

I have spent a night sleeping on the streets of Los Angeles, all in the name of getting a ticket to the Price is Right.   

I have criss-crossed my way down Krasnaya Street in Krasnodar, eating ice cream and listening to a thousand voices speaking a language I didn't understand.

I have walked the sandy beaches of San Diego, staring out at the endless horizon, hearing the waves crash the shore, and wondered if God really did exist.

I have screamed bloody murder at the rodent hiding in the shadows in Chisec and I have had a rash from the caterpillars in Nairobi.  

I have hiked up the mountains of western North Carolina and I have stood at the edge of her waterfalls.

I have fallen in love with the seemingly endless miles of whiteboard fences and rolling hills of the Kentucky Bluegrass, dreaming of someday living there.

I have seen the humpback whales feeding in the inlets of Juneau and I have seen the sun still setting at 10 o'clock at night in Anchorage.  

I have played games with children in orphanages in Tijuana, Mexico, and I have bartered for jewelry on its city streets in a language I could barely speak.  

I have run my fingers along portions of the Berlin Wall in a tiny town in central Missouri named Fulton, and I have gotten lost in a corn maze just down the road.  

I have stood in Times Square, with its million flashing lights and billboards, and I have gazed out over Central Park from the top of the Rockefeller building.

I have gone horseback riding through the Yukon and I have gone horseback riding through the mountains of Tennessee.  I have fallen off a few horses in Ohio and I have chased after one across the track of the famous Red Mile in Lexington.

I have been to the top of the St. Louis Arch, overlooking the mighty Mississippi and I have been to the top of the Washington Monument, overlooking the lazy Potomac.

I have driven across thousands of miles of open highway in America, passing through city after city, taking note of street names and town names and creek names like Nameless Creek, found somewhere along the way in Indiana (or maybe Illinois?).  

I have been through airports from Chicago to Rome to Dallas to Dubai to Addis Ababa to Guatemala City, and perhaps silently cursed only at the airport in Detroit.

I have wept at the poverty in the slums of Kenya and I have wept over the disabled children forgotten in a tiny orphanage in Krasnodar and I have wept over empty bellies of little ones in remote parts of Central America.

I have stood at the edge of the Grand Canyon, listening to it's thundering silence and I have stood at the edge of Niagara Falls, listening to its dull roar as gallons upon gallons of water tumble over its edge.

I have blitzed my way through cities like Moscow, New York, and Washington D.C. via the frenzied metro and subway systems, just hoping to make it out with all my limbs still intact.

I have sweat my weight in the hot sun in a tiny village called Mount Hermon and I have shivered my way through nights spent sleeping on straw mattresses in the forgotten parts of Russia.      

And hopefully in a month I can say I have walked on the shores of a tiny French island off the coast of Australia, and say I have hiked my way through parts of New Zealand, all in the name of setting foot in Hobbiton.  

They have all been spectacular adventures.  Every single one of them.  And I wouldn't trade them for anything. God's been gracious beyond measure and has offered me opportunity after opportunity to revel in Him and his goodness.  

But the one view I'll never get tired of - the one view I am most eager to return to is a field in my backyard in Smalltown, USA.  

It's the same view I have seen a thousand times over. 

And it's the one view I'll never get over.  Home.

My friend, Alex, and I took this photo in the fall of 2007.  The photo is exactly as we saw it that
 night, no touch-ups, no alterations.  God's stunning brilliance on display.
Right at the end of my driveway. It is hands-down one of my very favorite photographs.

What It's Like to Be Sober

I sat quietly in the back of the court room, watching as each woman stood up one by one and answered the question, "How many days sober?"  For one woman it was a mere 11 days.  For another it was 4 years and so many days.  I watched as one woman shared her story - how she had been adopted just days after being born, how her biological father had murdered her mother by slashing her pregnant body in half.  I watched as one woman struggled to share the lyrics to a song she had written in her art therapy program, her means of releasing so much pain.  I listened to their stories and I listened to their fears.  I heard the patience in the judge's voice as he gently prodded each woman, drawing them out, inquiring about their progress and their setbacks.

And my heart couldn't decide whether to weep over their brokenness or rejoice in their slow, long march to restoration.

I had ventured into CATCH Court (Changing Actions to Change Habits) several weeks ago in order to catch a glimpse of this "restorative justice" in progress.  I first contacted Doma back in February to inquire about volunteering, and then quickly followed up by attending one of their volunteer trainings and then another training focusing specifically on mentoring one of these women.  The organization focuses on empowering women who have been victims of sex trafficking, primarily through the means of CATCH Court, which is a specialty docket court here in Columbus.  After I had attended the mentoring training, a Doma staff member suggested I attend CATCH Court, just to get a feel for the scope of what these women go through and how the process actually works.

These women typically voluntarily opt-in to CATCH, oftentimes in lieu of jail time.  By being a part of CATCH, these women agree to a series of guidelines, including attending court every Thursday and adhering to the boundaries set by their case workers, counselors, sponsors and the judge, Judge Paul Herbert.

I was amazed and humbled and awed by what I witnessed in that court room.  After I left, and as I got in my car to drive down the highway, hot tears sprang to my eyes because I couldn't wrap my brain around what I had just witnessed.  I couldn't wrap my brain around the addictions and the depravity and the abuse.  And I couldn't wrap my brain around the grace and the mercy and the unfailing love of a God I do not fully understand.

When I was interviewing for a possible mentoring position with Doma, I had the opportunity to speak with one of the women, Sandy, who had recently graduated from CATCH.  I was feeling so many insecurities about the possibility of mentoring, wondering what on earth I would have to offer these women.  I have no idea what it's like to walk in their shoes - to battle back additions every moment of every day - to feel so desperate to survive that you'll do anything, including selling your own body to the next man who walks by.  I have no idea how to relate and during the interview I suddenly felt overwhelmed by the prospect of entering into the lives of these women, feeling ill-equipped and inadequate for the task.

As I shared those fears with Sandy, she looked at me, pausing to gather her thoughts, and then she said one of the most profound things I have ever heard in my life:

"You don't need to know what it's like to have an addiction.  Because I want to know what it's like to be sober.  And you know how to do that." 

It was like somebody had hit me with a 2x4. You don't need to know what it's like to have an addiction because I want to know what it's like to be sober.  All of my insecurities dealt with in one concise and gentle nudge.  I'm sure I continued to gape at her, amazed at the wisdom pouring out of her mouth.  And I'm sure it was a simple way of her telling me to get over myself.  I frequently need that reminder as well.

I don't know where this adventure leads from here.  I'm not sure the stories that will come my way as I enter into the lives of these women.  But I imagine I will learn far more from them than I will ever be able to teach them.        

But Even If

Sometimes your brain gets the best of you when you get sick.  And thanks to Google, we now have at our fingertips the ability to self-diagnose all sorts of crazy things and work ourselves into a frenzy when we so much as sneeze sideways.  Everything on the internet, after all, is the gospel truth.  There is no arguing with webMD and the random website written by Joe Schmoe that says apple cider vinegar is the answer to everything.

Out of that fact and in light of my recent back pain (currently pain free and have been for a couple of weeks!), I've had a lot of irrational thoughts here lately.  We'll chalk it up partly to pain and partly to being female.  I'm pretty sure I've planned my funeral at least ten times over and envisioned all sorts of farewell conversations with my family and friends.  I have plotted out the perfect conversation I would have with my boss about my imminent death and what would need to be handled for the projects I oversee.  I made a mental list of what my will would say and who would get all my books.  I even commissioned a friend to see to it that if I should die suddenly due to this tumor that was surely causing my back pain, she is responsible for burning all of my journals.  I told her where the key is to my safe, which is where all my journals are stored.  (Some people keep money and jewels in a safe.  I keep my life story not only in a fireproof, but waterproof safe.) Over the last two months, I think I have diagnosed myself with about three different types of cancer, along with adrenal fatigue, a possible life-threatening tumor and rabies for good measure.

(When my pony was sick, I never ran any tests to officially confirm that she had EPM, which meant we had never officially ruled out anything else either, including rabies.  Thus, there was about a 24-hour time period when I was waiting for the state agricultural diagnostic lab to give me the rabies test results.  If she had been positive for rabies, I would have been exposed to it and that would have had serious health implications, truly.  I can assure you I was reading into every single move I made, thinking, "Surely this is the onset of rabies!")

I really need to get a grip some days.

But out of all those completely irrational thoughts, a few rational ones did manage to rise to the surface.  The kind that bring reality front and center and leave with you maybe more questions than answers.

I began working through the hypotheticals -

Let's suppose I do have cancer or some sort of a tumor.  (And I in no way want to make light of anyone who has had to go through that diagnosis.  My back pain is nothing compared to that, I am well aware of that fact.  I am merely poking fun at my own insanity here.)

Or for laughs, let's suppose I do have rabies.

Okay.

So what?

Am I going to turn my back on God?  Am I going to say to God, "You know what? You lied.  You didn't keep me safe.  How dare you not give me a life of bliss, one free from hardship."

Nope.

Am I going to throw in the towel and say, "I'm out.  This got too hard"?

Nope.

Am I going to curse God for allowing bad things to happen to me, like Job's wife suggested? (See Job 2.)        

Nope.

So what then?  So what if all of those things happen?

I think of the three men from the story in Daniel 3, who stood before a king, openly defying him, knowing they would be thrown in a fiery furnace as a result of their disobedience.  The king had made a decree that all people had to bow down to the image of gold he had created.  These three men - Shadrach, Meschach and Abednego - refused.  The king summoned them, blasting them for not bowing down to the image as he had commanded.  Their response?

“King Nebuchadnezzar, we do not need to defend ourselves before you in this matter.  If we are thrown into the blazing furnace, the God we serve is able to deliver us from it, and he will deliver us from Your Majesty’s hand. But even if he does not, we want you to know, Your Majesty, that we will not serve your gods or worship the image of gold you have set up.”

But even if he does not.  

Man, those words are hard.  

But even if.  

But even if God chooses not to save us from the fire, we will still worship him.  

Are we really willing to say that, to echo the words of Shadrach, Meschach and Abednego?  Are we truly willing to say, but even if he doesn't save me from whatever fire I am going through, I will still choose to worship him?  Will I voice my choice to bend my knees to him alone?  

Fill in your own.  "But even if he doesn't save me from this trauma."  "But even if he doesn't save my child from this disease."  "But even if he doesn't heal my family's brokenness."  "But even if he doesn't rescue me from this heartache."  "But even if he doesn't pull me out of this pit."  "But even if doesn't keep me from this flame."    

But even if.

I want to be able to say with confidence - but even if you don't, God, I will still worship you.  I will call Satan's bluff and not let this fear rule.  Because I am in.  All my cards are on the table and I have been through too much with You to turn my back now.  I know that you can and are so very able to rescue and save and redeem and restore and protect.  But if for some reason you choose to leave me in the fire -   

I will worship you at the end of it all.  

"Should I ever be abandoned, should I ever be acclaimed, should I ever be surrounded by the fire and the flame, there's a name I will remember, there's a name I will proclaim...  

Let it be, let it be Jesus."    

  

He Noticed the Thief

It's amazing how fast the walls close in mentally when you're in pain.

This past month has been quite possibly the worst physical pain I have ever had in my life.  My lower back muscles decided to go on strike over a month ago and it wasn't until this week that I felt remotely normal.  I've missed about a week's worth of work and I have been canceling plans left and right because I can barely function and all I want to do is lie flat on my bed.

The pain has been a consuming thought.  I would wake up and think about the pain.  I would drive and think about the pain.  I would sit at my desk and think about the pain.  I would go to bed at night and think about the pain.  I would (attempt) to walk and think about the pain.  I would breathe and think about the pain.  Every waking moment was spent thinking about myself and this hurt and how to escape it.  I lost track of the number of mental and emotional breakdowns I had, which usually resulted in me flat on my bedroom floor sobbing and barely able to breathe.

I just wanted it all to go away.

Ultimately, all I have done for this past month is think about myself.

I forgot that a world around me existed or that anyone else around me might be in worse shape.  I've done nothing but live in my own little bubble, inside my own little head, unable to see past the end of my own nose.

And as I've thought about the timing of all this - here in the midst of this season when all things point to the single greatest pain ever experienced by one man in the history of the world - I nearly missed the lesson.

I keep thinking about Jesus, hanging on the cross, in sheer agony and suffering, in the kind of pain that makes mine look like a bucketful of sunshine and rainbows.  And the one fact I simply cannot escape is this:

Even in the face of his impending mortal death, even in his deepest moment of torture and agony, Jesus still noticed the thief next to him.  

I mean, really. Stop and think about this.  Think about the worst pain you ever have been in - mental, emotional, physical.  Now let's multiply that times ten.  I'm pretty sure you didn't care about the rest of the world at that moment. I know I sure haven't cared a whole heck of a lot about the rest of the world either here lately.

But then there's Jesus. Pure selflessness even while in agony.  Spikes driven into his hands, spear drawn through his side, a crown of thorns mashed onto his head, blood freely pouring out from seven places.  His back looks like hamburger meat.  His lungs are failing because he can't lift himself up enough to get a breath.  And somehow he still manages to notice the man crucified next to him.

One of the criminals who hung there hurled insults at [Jesus]: "Aren't you the Christ? Save yourself and us!" But the other criminal rebuked him.  "Don't you fear God," he said, "since you are under the same sentence?  We are punished justly, for we are getting what our deeds deserve.  But this man has done nothing wrong."   

Then he said, "Jesus, remember me when you come into your kingdom." 

Jesus answered him, "I tell you the truth, today you will be with me in paradise." 

[Luke 23:39-43]

Jesus noticed the thief.

And that just blows my mind.

Because in this moment, when in his humanity he could have easily ignored either man hanging beside him, when he could have easily said, "Just get me off this cross and make it all go away," he turns to the thief and says, "I notice you.  This is the very reason why I came - was to notice you.  You are not forgotten.  And today you will be with me in paradise."

How many moments have I missed along the way in the midst of all this pain?  How often have I let it eclipse all thought of others around me and their own sorrowing and suffering, or even their joy and gladness?  Here in this season of Lent and Passover, here in this season of giving up in order to gain, here in this season of turning our eyes to the cross - how often did I miss the person next to me?

Jesus knew even on the cross, even in his worst pain, that the pain really was never about him.

It was about the thief next to him.

And the miracle of miracles is that Jesus still notices the thief and the criminal in me today, the girl who wants to rob the world in order to escape her own pain, the girl who is far too often so very self-absorbed.  And he still turns to me and says, "Today - today I notice you."

I want to be like Jesus.  I want to turn and notice the world around me, no matter my own pain, no matter my own heartache.  I don't want to get so myopic that all I do is focus on what's right in front me - and forget that this pain is temporary.  I don't want to forget that someday I'll get to trade it all in, and stand in the light of God's glory, right next to the thief Jesus noticed on the cross next to him over 2,000 years ago.

"Therefore we do not lose heart.  Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day.  For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all.  So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen.  For what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal."  2 Corinthians 4:16-18