What Is Saving Your Life Right Now?

If you're just joining the party, I'd recommend reading my first post as a primer, which includes a few disclaimers and housekeeping items of note.
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Author Barbara Brown Taylor tells of a time when she was asked to speak at an event and the host gave her this prompt for their conversation:

What is saving your life right now?

It's a worthy question. And for all you proper church-y people, it's not a question meant to provoke the Sunday school answer of "Jesus." Yes, we who are Christ-followers acknowledge that Jesus is the one who has saved - and is saving - our lives right now. But that's not what the question is getting at. It's a more nuanced, earthy question. 

What is the thing that is keeping you between the ditches? What is the thing causing you to pause in relief, reminding you that you might just make it through the day after all? What is the thing maybe breaking the dam of emotions you've been holding back and finally giving you permission to just let it all pour forth, all guts and glory, snot and tears?

What is saving your life right now?

I have a long list of things saving my life right now, none of which has to do with neuro-oncologists, neurosurgeons, research papers, hospitals, or medications. Yes, while those things are quite literally saving my life these days, there are plenty of things that don't come with prescription labels or have the title MD after their name that are saving me.

That #1 Top Banana Award from my friend Cheryl, with the inscription "The bestest of the best rare brain cancer person ever," that showed up in my mailbox and made me laugh out loud. (Turns out, yes, apparently you CAN get merit badges in some form as an adult!)

It's saving my life right now. 

The hilarious packaging on my new ROAD iD band. My sorority sister Kristina recommended the company and suggested it might be a good idea to get one. In my case, I specifically chose one that is a medical ID bracelet. There's nothing that can fully prepare you for the moment when you have to decide how you want to define the sum total of your health status in 20 characters or less. I'll take "Brain Cancer & Seizures" for $2,000, please, Alex? But I have been nothing but impressed with this company and their thoughtfulness. They produce a product that is in essence a fairly serious matter, but they have somehow found a way to thread the needle ever so carefully, marrying levity with sensitivity. (And if you want to get your own ROAD iD for any reason - medically-related or not - you can use this link for $10 off. #YoureWelcome. PS: Beware - I found the link didn't always work in the Safari browser.)

It's saving my life right now.

And that meme you sent me, Kristina, that said, "Really mad about how fast my life went from MySpace to MyChart," the one that made me laugh out loud all alone in the middle of the grocery store aisle like an idiot?

It's also saving my life right now.

The wit and honesty of Kate Bowler's book Everything Happens for a Reason and Other Lies I've Loved. She stuck the landing on this book. Like a breath of fresh air that I didn't know I was gasping for. I laughed. I cried. I read it in two days. (I'm also working on her other book No Cure for Being Human. I would love for her to be my new best friend. Thank you, Venita, for the recommendation.)

Her words are saving my life right now.

The steady stream of text messages and cards from friends and family. It's like Christmas in the mailbox these days. I love snail mail so much. It's a lost art form, handwritten cards, which makes me cherish all the more every card I get. But I still love the modern-day art form of texts and emails, so don't feel bad if you've been one of those people who have opted for modern over old-fashioned. I'm an equal opportunity lover of words, no matter what form they come in.

Those are saving my life right now.

The phone call to my financial advisor's office to sort out some logistics, and I break the news to his office manager, explaining the basics of what has transpired. I can hear the catch in her voice before she says, rather forcefully and with some conviction, "I'm so sorry. This just sucks so much." Her simple acknowledgement that this is a profoundly sucky situation without offering anything more?

It's saving my life right now.

That new song of Christy Nockels, a newly released remix of "Let It Be Jesus," the song that has been my anthem through all this? My friend Jill sent it to me while I walked laps around my parents' yard, trying to keep my body moving, forcing my brain to figure out how to coordinate things again. I shed a fair amount of tears as I listened, grief and hope all piling up at once within me. 

Yeah, it's saving my life right now, too.

The list could go on and on, because there is just so much that is saving me right now. For every breath of fresh air (figuratively and literally) and for every moment of levity, the moments of sadness, tears, and grief - those, too, are saving me right now. Because sometimes just acknowledging the weight of all that is broken in the world - whether in my own or someone else's - to truly lament, is saving me as much as laughter, memes, and Top Banana awards are.

Acknowledging that sometimes joy and grief are dance partners to the same song?

That's really what's saving my life right now.

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Functional updates:

I'll try to carve out space in each post to provide updates on where I am in the process. So, if you're just here for the nuts and bolts, in the future you can slide straight here to the bottom and skip my idle wanderings above.

This update will be short and sweet like the last one - I still haven't made final decisions on whether to pursue surgery, nor have I made a final decision about who I am ultimately going to tap as the lead on my care. Deciding who gets to crack open your skull, remove part of your brain, and then pump your body with a cocktail of drugs is apparently something you should ponder for more than 6.7 seconds. Go figure. It took me 7 months to finally decide to buy a couch, as one friend reminded, and you think I'm going to move very fast when it comes how to treat my cancer? I know I need to make decisions soon and I will likely set a self-imposed deadline for the near future, but for now, I keep reading research papers, going over notes, and just having a lot of long, hard conversations with Jesus about what comes next. My chief prayer for myself continues to be Ephesians 1:17-18: 

I keep asking that the God of our Lord Jesus Christ, the glorious Father, may give you the Spirit of wisdom and revelation, so that you may know him better. I pray that the eyes of your heart may be enlightened in order that you may know the hope to which he has called you, the riches of his glorious inheritance in his holy people...

Yes, I want to know what to do about surgery and treatment and the countless other unknown details of my life, but I also just want to know him better in the midst. I want to know the hope to which he has called me. He has granted me discernment in the past on a thousand and one things; I trust he will do it again.

It is worth noting that today is the first day I did an actual workout since everything went sideways back on February 3. My body is still all sorts of dysregulated, but it was a start and it felt like a small victory. I know I need to keep my body moving, so I've tried to be diligent about at least walking every day, even if for only a few minutes.  

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PS: Want to leave a comment? If you select "Anonymous," would you mind including your name directly in the body of your comment? That way I know who you are!