The One Song I Needed Most

If you're just joining the party, I'd recommend reading my first post as a primer, which includes a few disclaimers and housekeeping items of note.
______________________

I crawled onto the platform that would feed me into the MRI tube, wrapped in starchy, mechanically-warmed hospital blankets. The staff popped ear plugs into my ears, layering headphones overtop. They placed a bracket around my head and then slowly rolled me into the machine, the space around me becoming dark, narrow, and confining. 

I closed my eyes, trying to drown out all the whirring and humming around me.

I felt the tears coming in hot, pooling behind my eyelids, the emotions threatening to take over. 

What kind of music do you want to listen to? the tech asked.

Shane & Shane, I said. 

The music started playing and the tears came full force.

"Out of the depths I cry to You
In darkest places I will call
Incline Your ear to me anew
And hear my cry for mercy Lord."

Of all the songs - of all the songs - that could have played in that precise moment when I was getting a scan done of my brain that would map the topography of all the newly-discovered chaos housed in my skull, God, in his sovereignty and wisdom, played the one song I most needed to hear.

"I Will Wait For You (Psalm 130)" by Shane & Shane. 

I looked back in my iTunes purchase records yesterday. I purchased this song almost two years to the day of that MRI. I had been listening to it obsessively for some time, even two years ago. Shane & Shane have long been a staple in my music inventory, ever since I was in college twenty years ago.

But it wasn't until I was in that MRI machine on February 3 that I became acutely aware of how those lyrics would become the very air I breathed. As the song played, I felt myself echoing the lyrics, filling in the spaces between with my own thoughts.

Out of the depths I cry to You

Out of the belly of this hospital, I cry to you

In darkest places I will call

Yes, here especially in these shadows, I will call

Incline Your ear to me anew

And hear my cry for mercy Lord

Dear God, hear my cry for mercy

Were You to count my sinful ways

How could I come before Your throne

Yet full forgiveness meets my gaze

I stand redeemed by grace alone

I will wait for You, I will wait for You

Yes, even here in this suffocating, confining space, I will wait for you

On Your word I will rely

On what else could I possibly rely?

You're all I have

I will wait for You, surely wait for You

Till my soul is satisfied

Yes, I will wait for you

More than watchmen wait for the morning,

I will wait for you, 

Even here in this unknown space.

So put Your hope in God alone

There's no other alternative

Take courage in His power to save

Completely and forever won

Yes, completely and forever won,

Of this I'm confident

By Christ emerging from the grave

I will wait for You, I will wait for You

On Your word I will rely

I will wait for You, surely wait for You

Till my soul is satisfied, oh, ooh

Satisfaction is found in you alone.

You are my hiding place among the shadows.

Now He has come to make a way

Jesus, make a way where there is no way

And God Himself has paid the price

That all who trust in Him today

Find healing in His sacrifice

Healing can only be found in you

That all who trust in Him today

Find healing in His sacrifice

I will wait for You, I will wait for You

Through the storm and through the night

Through this storm, come what may

I will wait for You, surely wait for You

I will wait for You, surely wait for You

For Your love is my delight

Yes, your love is my delight

Even in the midst of sorrow

I will wait for You, I will wait for You

On Your word I will rely

I will wait for You, surely wait for You

Till my soul is satisfied

I will wait for you

Through the storm and through the night

Because satisfaction is found in you alone.

God knew best what I needed to hear in that moment. He knew the words that would be the balm to the wound, the words that would steady me, anchor me, stop me from coming apart at the seams altogether.

Out of the depths I cry to You

In darkest places I will call

Incline Your ear to me anew

And hear my cry for mercy Lord

In the darkest places, the Lord did indeed hear my cry for mercy.

_______________________

If you want to eavesdrop on some more of my favorite tunes, I've got a YouTube playlist that I started years ago when I was in the midst of a significant mental health crisis. I've returned to these songs time and time and time again, especially during these sleepless nights as of late. If you want a broad collection of Shane & Shane, visit them on Spotify. "Psalm 90 (Satisfy Us With Your Love)" has been another one of theirs that I've been listening to nearly every morning.

_______________________

PS: Want to leave a comment? If you select "Anonymous," would you mind including your name directly in the body of your comment? That way I know who you are!