Twenty years ago this June - June 28, 1998, to be exact - marks the moment in which I realized the depth of my own sin and the length to which Jesus was willing to go to save me. That day, that instant, changed the trajectory of my life.
But fast forward a short time later to when I found myself rejecting the very God I had embraced a few years prior. I thought following Jesus consisted of an easy life, free of heartache and pain, where everything came naturally, where life would be a perpetual "high." The chasm was wide between my expectations and reality, and that gap sent me spiraling. Bitterness, disillusionment and resentment settled deep, deep into my bones, followed by unforgiveness and hatred in a variety of forms. God wasn't performing like I thought he would. He wasn't behaving like I thought he would, and the impact was crushing. The miracles weren't happening - and I suspended my belief in him in the absence.
Fast forward another handful of years. Different setting, but the same chasm between expectations and reality gaped wide before me. I was in college, a little older, a little wiser, a little less disillusioned, and while God had done a radical work of softening my heart and restoring what was once broken since those years in high school, my faith was still faulty in that it hinged on what he did, not who he was. This was never more evident than the summer I lived in San Diego. I recall speaking at a women's event, explaining how I had been waiting all summer for God to do that one thing that would convince me he was real - and it never came. I was seeing him do all these amazing things in the lives of other people, but I felt like he was holding out on me when I reflected on my own life. The miracles weren't happening - and I suspended my belief in him yet again in their absence. It would not be until after that summer passed that I would look back with grief over what my unbelief had cost me.
Must we always be so slow to believe? Is our faith so small that we always have to wait for the miracle to come before we believe he is who he says he is? Why do we treat the almighty God as if he is some sort of wind-up circus monkey, where we twist the knob, set him loose, and oooh and ahhh over his clanging cymbals and frantic spinning in circles?
It seems Jesus's contemporaries had the same problem I do. "After [Jesus] was raised from the dead, his disciples recalled what he had said. Then they believed the Scripture and the words that Jesus had spoken" (John 2:22).
After the miracle, then the belief.
"Unless you people see miraculous signs and wonders," Jesus told him, "you will never believe" (John 4:48).
After the miracle, then the belief.
"After the people saw the miraculous sign that Jesus did, they began to say, "Surely this is the Prophet who is to come into the world" (John 6:14).
After the miracle, then the belief.
"At first his disciples did not understand all this. Only after Jesus was glorified did they realize that these things had been written about him and that they had done these things to him" (John 12:16).
After the miracle, then the belief.
The pages of Scripture are littered with people just like me who demanded God first perform and deliver before they believe. Thomas: "Show me the scars!" (John 20:25). The crowds: "Show us the miraculous signs!" (John 6:30). The Pharisees: "Show us proof!" (Matthew 12:38).
Perform for us, and then we'll believe you, they said.
Jesus had repeatedly told them who he was. He had spoken over and over again, I am the Son of God, I am I AM, I am the Deliverer, I am the Promised One, I am the salvation of Israel. And still they remained in their unbelief. His word was never sufficient, never enough, not in their eyes, at least.
Dear God, forgive us for waiting for the miracle until we believe you. Let us believe you now - on this side the miracle. Let us believe you now - long before we ever see any evidences that confirms your Word. If our faith is dependent or contingent on the miracle, then it is no faith at all. Blessed are those who believe God on this side of the miracle. Blessed are those whose faith is not dependent on what he does. Blessed are those who are not waiting for the miracle to come before they choose to believe his Word.
Because what if the miracle never comes? What if there's never a husband in response to your singleness? What if there's never a cure for the cancer diagnosis ravaging your friend's body? What if your child never gets out of that wheelchair ever again? What if that long-held dream never comes to fruition? Then what? Will you believe him only on the other side of the miracle? Will you believe him only when there is a ring on your finger, a cure in hand, and a dream brought to life?
Heed Jesus's words to Thomas after Thomas says he won't believe until he sees the nail-pierced hands: 'Because you have seen me, you have believed; blessed are those who have not seen and yet have believed'" (John 20:29).
Blessed are those who have not seen and yet have believed.
Let us be the kind of people who are "before" believers, the kind of people who believe Jesus long before the miracle ever appears - if it ever does. Let us take him at his Word and trust that he is who he says he is. Let us be the kind of people who believe him, even if we never "see" him.
Let us not be "after" kind of believers
A.W. Tozer said it best, "What God declares the believing heart confesses without need of further proof."
If God declares it, I want to believe it - whether there is ever a sign, a miracle, or a bolt of lightning from the sky to confirm it.
I don't want to wait for further proof.
If he declares it, may my believing heart confess it.
Miracle or no miracle.
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